Love vs. Forced Love

socoolbishoy

I'm new to this site but I love the Tasbeha community! I usually don't ask for personal advice on forums like this but I've been thinking about this extensively and coming to no conclusions so I'm hoping you can help me.

welcome... and you have come to a place that will hopefully provide answers!

I've known this guy for about 3 years - same church, used to work in the same building, etc. In the last year, I noticed that he was interested in me so I talked to Abouna about it. He told me that this guy actually did talk to him about it and wanted to take the relationship beyond a friendship. Abouna advised me to talk to my parents about it and to give him a chance. So I did exactly that. We've been dating for several months and now he's talking about proposing to me very soon.

the right steps were taken, which shows he's serious

The problem is that even though he's perfect for me, I don't get those sparks from seeing him or being with him. There's no chemistry.

I need not to hear more to tell you will have a really bad life if you proceed with this relationship.... doesn't matter what he is, doesn't matter how he treats you, if you don't feel the chemistry, and that "spark" you don't love him, and he will start hating you during marriage!

its much better to break it now, before he does propose, and things get more ugly and complicated!

He treats me very nicely and I can see that he loves me very much. He's an engineer and I have a year left to finish my degree so this is not a childish infatuation. I just don't know if I love him or if I'm just making excuses because I may be afraid of this life-long committment. He's the first one I've ever dated and sometimes I wonder if he's the one or if there's someone else out there for me... but I'm his first one too and he seems really sure. Our parents are both involved and we have their blessing to go ahead as well as Abouna's blessing.

blessing does not mean anything without YOUR blessing... you have be 100% sure about it, you have to take your time, and don't worry about what anyone says, I've seen many cases where the girl didn't feel the "spark" or vise versa, and later on they blamed their spouse, their families, their church and priests... so unless you are making it your 100% decision, and agree fully with what you are doing, all these blessings mean nothing, because you don't have God's blessing, which is also through the Holy Spirit which is within you!

I guess my question is for those in a relationship already: How did you know he/she was the right one?

How do you know if it's true love? What does that kind of love feel like?

you will know... its a feeling unexplained... its beyond this world and its universe, it is the uniting of one and God, and God leading you to that one person, being assured its the right person... which brings me to, do you have the connection between you and God, so that God will lead you to the right person?!

Ever since I was little, I used to watch movies where the heart pounded and there were butterflies in the stomach when the girl falls in love... I know that most mmovies are unrealistic but I sometimes wish I felt like that even a little when I see my soon-to-be fiance.

one day with the right person you will feel these feelings, but again make sure to remember the relationship consists of three, not two... you, God, significant other!

What do you guys and gals think? any advice?

hope this helps, I'm sorry I didn't read any other post except yours... i do apologize


neshkor Allah, akhadna el baraka!

Batates74

Hey, thanks Superman BAM for your advice. I pray consistantly for God to show me His will but I don't know what the answer is. There are little things that show that he could be the one but my feelings say otherwise. I feel frozen in place because if he's the right one, I don't want to give him up.

Another thing is, I don't want to hurt him. I feel like we've already gone too far into the relationship and he seems very devoted. But that brings me to another point: I don't know whether he loves me vs. just certain aspects of me. What I mean is that he's never said "I love you"; he always says "I love... about you" or "I love your..." and this really concerns me. Marriage isn't just about attraction or beauty because sooner or later we all get wrinkles and gain weight and our looks change. If he's serious about this, he needs to love the whole of me! How do I figure out which it is for him?

ilovesaintmark

Batates,

The BAM is right.  You are answering your own question in your own posts.  I wanted to contribute here because I was thrown off the other thread.

ZanAmrikai

I know I am piping up very very late on this post--if anyone's still reading it!  I just wanted to say that having been married for twenty-five years (and then divorced) there are certain things that will make success more likely and others that make it less likely.  No matter what, marriage will be a struggle at some point.  The hardships of life, children, finances, health--all the things of living--are the realities of daily existence.  It is important, to the best of your ability and knowledge, to marry someone who loves you and accepts you PERIOD. If you want to hear those words (and who doesn't?) "I love you" then you should think about you and he figuring out your love languages and talking about them.  (Five Love Languages, Gary Smalley).  If he loves you, he will want to speak your love language.  If you love him, you will want to speak his, because you both want the other to be fulfilled.  Next, it is important--well, not "next", but "another thing that is important"--is that you are strongly attracted physically.  Now, it may be that some people will say that is an awful thing to say, but it is not.  God has given us sexual joy and satisfaction--blessed it--and says that the marriage bed is undefiled.  Physical connection, especially when there is spiritual equity, is one of the most mysterious beauties of human existence, and when troubles come in life--and they WILL come--you will want a compelling reason to reconcile.  If there is no sexual chemistry, the compelling reason will have to be one you force, like your vows (which are sacred promises for future days when you do not feel like fulfilling them in and of themselves), and if you are not attracted to that person, over time you will not seek out physical love, nor will you be sought out.  This makes a marriage start to wither and die and it takes joy out of the union, or else keeps joy in the union, keeps giving a renewing reason to come together.  All the niceness on earth will not make up for a lack of attraction (but do not think I am advocating marriage on the basis of attraction!!).  It is important for a woman to look at the man and think, "Do I like where he is headed in his life?  Can I get in alignment and harmony with his vision for his life?"  Do not be dishonest to him or to yourself.  For example, if the couple is made up of a woman who thinks she really wants a career for the next ten years and a man who wants children in the near future (this is obviously just an example for argument's sake); if they are not honest with one another, or if one thinks that this is not going to become a serious issue, this would be failure in the making.  We think we can change someone or someone's desires--only GOD can do that.  And to EVER marry thinking that God will do our will (anywhere in life, but particularly with regard to the person we marry), is to be badly deceived and to have significant heartache in store for ourselves.  There is a very good presentation about men and women on the Mars Hill church site (Seattle); it talks about mature men and healthy marriages. 

Well, this is all I have to say right now...except to say to listen carefully to your own heart.  If you are praying about this, if you do not have a joy about it, nor a sense that God is blessing it, do NOT go towards marriage with this man.  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  Don't let infatuation guide your life's most important decisions, but do not talk yourself into something just because you think you are "supposed to" do it.  God always gives agreement, not doubt, when it is right.

Blessings--

Batates74

ZanAmrikai, you are ABSOLUTELY right about everything that you've said. I feel like you're speaking directly to my situation! Thank you so much for your advice and for sharing your experience.

Please continue to pray for me regarding this matter.

God Bless

micmek

Hi All

I found reading this discussion very interesting and all of you raised extremely good points.
I just wanted to share another useful article for those that would like to read further into this important topic... after all it's just the rest of your life we are talking about =)

A Blessed Engagement By Fr Matthew Attia

God Bless you all
Rabena Ma3aky Batates74. I'm praying that God works in your situtation.
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

sodr2

Love language? Seriously?

[quote author=Batates74 link=topic=9985.msg123259#msg123259 date=1291347834]
What I mean is that he's never said "I love you"; he always says "I love... about you" or "I love your..." and this really concerns me. Marriage isn't just about attraction or beauty because sooner or later we all get wrinkles and gain weight and our looks change. If he's serious about this, he needs to love the whole of me! How do I figure out which it is for him?

Funny thing is, I'd say he loves you more than you love him.

ZanAmrikai

Yes, Love Language--haven't you heard of that?  Check out "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman  and his follow up book about the languages of apology.  And THEN see if it is worth making fun of (don't know if you were or not, but...).  I first heard of this years ago when it first came out.  Makes sense to ME, see what YOU think.  :^)

ZanAmrikai

Sorry...gee whiz, first I said Gary Smalley and then Gary Chapman...so much for MY memory, LOL!  Here is a link to explain more: 

ilovesaintmark

Is that like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?

ZanAmrikai

ilovestmark---No, it's not, but it's funny you ask, because I am ONLY NOW finally reading that book!!  I mean, it's been out for, what, 20 years?  It makes SO much sense (and it should definitely be read by men and women to learn about each other--well, maybe not everyone fits what the gender is typically like, I know) and is a good tool. 

The Five Love Languages are not really related to gender.  It's a matter of what speaks love to you (likewise, in the book about apologizing, what makes you feel that you have been truly apologized to).  The five love languages are: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts, and time.  (Not sure if that is the way they are named in the book itself.).  Through a series of questions, you figure out which are the ones that without you feel least loved  which translates into the ones you most need in order to feel really loved.  Most of us like/desire all five, but one or two will be paramount for us.  The thing is that we naturally treat the other person (our beloved) the way WE want to be shown love, but that may not be that person's love language.  Until we want our beloved to KNOW that she or he is truly loved, we just keep doing our own thing.  But if we value the emotional security and happiness of one another, we would want to know how to best show love to someone very important to us.

Does this make more sense now?  But, back to Mars and Venus--I just got a copy of the follow-up that is something like Mars and Venus Together Forever and it is a great tool for learning to better communicate.

mabsoota

i am not sure about the mars and venus book.
based on that book i am more male than female!
;)
maybe it applies more to n american cultures..