Desperately Need Advice! Fertility Issues: When is the right time to bring it up?

edited February 2019 in Personal Issues

Hi everyone, 

I apologize in advance if this is too detailed but I am really really in need of advice. 

I recently met a wonderful Coptic man and we have been getting to know each other for about 7 months. We have not been on any dates or spent time alone together. Both of our parents know that we talk (usually on the phone or in groups) and that things are getting more serious between us. Three months after getting to know each other, he told me about a female friend who intentionally hid from her now husband that she has fertility problems (irregular cycles) and that's why they couldn't have children. The guy I am getting to know then asked me if I get regular cycles. I responded with a yes ( although I had him repeat the question several times and tried to get out of answering it because  I had never been asked that question before from a man, let alone been in a relationship). 

Ever since my conversation with him about this topic, I have been living with a lot of guilt. When I was younger, I was diagnosed with a condition known as PCOS, which is very common in women and while it does not make conceiving a child impossible, it definitely makes it harder and causes irregular cycles. Even though my cycles were irregular, I have been on medication that regulates them. 

Because this is such a touchy topic, I did not tell him. I did not feel comfortable sharing this yet, as we are not in a committed relationship such as engagement. However, we are heading towards it and I am wondering if my answer is leading him on. 

Sorry for the ramble, but I guess my question is was I wrong to respond with a yes? Is it unfair to withhold such information from him? When is the appropriate time to discuss such an issue? Was that an appropriate question of him to ask before engagement?

What worries me about telling him now is the fact that because we aren’t in a relationship, he might tell other people if things end between us. I don’t want my personal business spread around, I want to be the one that tells whomever I chose to share this information with. Am I overthinking any of this? 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please give me your advice and pray for me. I am in need of a lot of wisdom and discernment. 



  • edited February 2019
    My wife had a similar problem and we are now expecting our first child, a son, next month.

    I would ask him further down the line if things lead to engagement why he asked that. My answer would only be an opinion, so it all depends on context I guess.
    I certainly don't feel it to be the most appropriate question.

    Instead of throwing a ton of information at you, I will say this:
    What you have isn't fun. But, with a change in diet, (Yes, even if you're skinny), physical activity, and most importantly prayer, the medication you are talking about works.

    It's about 6 months of messed up cycles, then you should be getting back into your cycle. Also, there are fertility apps that help once you are most fertile. My wife and I used one and we tried and tried. Then, we stopped thinking about it and here comes our little pooper-scooper. We just did our thing when it said to, and it worked.

    You are not overthinking it, and you are right to think it was a bit odd to ask when you aren't even engaged. And please, I hear it from my wife all the time about what people think. I served with the Pope, a number of Bishops, Monks and Priests. They are all the same to me. They were all people. I didn't change because of who they were and what they thought of me. I know that is ingrained in your culture, but don't care if people know you have something that's extremely common in women. Most of those ladies who sit and talk trash have more problems than you, it's best to ignore them.

    Sorry to ramble on.

    Please pray for my wife and our church.

  • edited February 2019

    Considering that I recently got engaged and close to being married...i would like to say the following:

    - If you truly see this as a serious relationship, then you should have more trust in that person.
    - Like you said, that condition is very common to many women. So, even if he did decide to be unchristian and share this info with anyone, then take that as a blessing because now you know that he is a man that you shouldn't put your trust in him--and probably break it off.
    - If you tell him, and clearly explained why is this a sensitive topic, and why you had to hide it from him at first, and he still doesn't comprehend why you have done so, then also take that as a blessing. He might be a person that cares more about getting children than you as the wife that will bring him closer to God.
    - I would do this asap if you think that you are close to being engaged since it's better to separate now than after an engagement. 

    Sorry to sound a bit negative as I am saying it's good to separate if a major problem exists and will affect the marriage. Recognizing that your possible-partner may not be a person that you can live with or tolerate in the future early on, is better than making the big mistake of rushing into a forever-binding relationship and living miserably. 
  • First of all his question is extremely inappropriate. Marriage is not a check list of things and nothing in life is guaranteed. His boldness in asking it at this stage is quite disturbing and should not come from a practicing Christian. Instead of lying you should've simply stated that you do not feel comfortable discussing such a personal matter. Do not feel obligated to give an answer but do not lie as relationships should be based on trust. 
  • @grace08...I disagree with you. He has every right to ask this as much as she has the right to ask him similar personal questions. "this stage" that I think we are talking about is the time before engagement. Now, in the states or in the west in general, that is the period to know everything that may be a hard line to some people--the things that you cannot live with in marriage. This is unlike Egypt in which case, the "getting to know you period" is the engagement period and that's why many of those are broken. But in the states, almost all those that are officially engaged know for sure that they are getting married and probably have started already in wedding planning. 
  • Hi everyone, I want to thank you so much for all your responses and advice on such a sensitive topic. I decided to wait a little bit longer and recently brought up the conversation with him. It was very hard for me to be so vulnerable, and I prayed about it for weeks prior to sharing. His response was extremely respectful, sensitive and understanding. I think sharing it with him created even more trust between us and led him to share things with me that he was having a hard time opening up about. He made me feel like we have a safe space to share things that are important for our future together. Thank you all again for your responses. 
  • edited August 2020
    And congrats on your first child ItalianCoptic!!! :) 
  • well done, coptic artist, may God give you many peaceful times.

    and see this for an update on italian coptic's kid:
    (hope you don't mind me copying the link, italian coptic - the tasbeha community is excited to hear about your kid and minatasgeel's kid too!)
  • @mabsoota Not at all. He's our little monster. I have definitely learned a lot of the past 18 months.
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