honesty in marriage

please no harsh comments...

I am married to a good man and before marriage I was not on the right track. I had numerous past sexual relations with other men. I changed my ways and am not that person. I was never entirely honest about my past with my husband. He knows about one previous relationship and accepted me regardless but not that I had relations with many. he thinks it was just one. I know at the time I should have told him the whole truth. Anyway we have been married for a long time now and I just can't shake the guilt and feel like i am living a lie. I want to tell him everything but I am so scared. 

Please need advise. 


  • It sounds to me like this is something weighing you down spiritually, so either way you will want to confess about it. I recommend looking to your spiritual father for guidance.
  • edited March 2019
    Love and understanding are a part of marriage. My wife and I went through this in our marriage as well. Letting everything out in the open can be difficult, but in the end it will make your marriage much stronger.
    The old adage is that we learn more from a defeat than from a victory. Exposing yourself to your past, "discrepancies" is a part of exposing your past sins and admitting your faults as a human being. If he is a good man, he will be forgiving.
    It may take some time for him to digest the information, but in the end you married him because of the love you have for him, and he should always remember that.
    This will make you stronger in your marriage, and spiritually as well. Seek guidance from your Abouna or your Spiritual Father so he may help to guide you as you grow more and more as a wife and daughter of Christ. Especially during such a wonderfully edifying time as Great Lent.
  • thank you both for your replies. I have discussed this with my FoC and he says not to tell him as it will just open up old wounds and there is no need to upset him. 
    However I can't seem to get past this. Should i listen to my FoC? Or my feelings which is telling me I need to be honest and deserve whatever happens to me.
  • That is something that can't be answered on here. Especially with people who live in different countries and have the influence of different cultures. Your Abouna is not incorrect, but to me his resolution seems shallow. That is merely my opinion, and you'll get some who may agree with him. There is a lot of context in understanding these situations and reading things on a screen doesn't always capture that context very well.

    Untimatetly, it's your decision. If you feel it that pressing of an issue, let him know. Even if it is upsetting to him a good person would be forgiving in the end. Go with your heart.
  • Dear @copticmercy,
    I am not going to repeat anything @ItalianCoptic had said as I fully agree with him. I also know of other priests who will be of the opinion of your FoC. My FoC is actually the same. That opens up another question for me which @ItalianCoptic alluded to. If you come from a Western background I would completely understand your position and encourage you to open up. However if you are Egyptian or if your husband is, it is better to leave it now. Being consumed with guilt makes me feel that you are still having CURRENT issues and you are seeking some kind of approval. I think you need help, but you won't find this necessarily from your husband (but of course we are all different, and perhaps generalising is not a good thing - he may be Egyptian and more understanding than a Western guy). All in all, I think you need to work through your difficulties first, before being open and honest about them. It is God only who forgives sins and closes old wounds, not your husband, FoC, previous relationships, or anyone else. Please give it time - in the heat of your guilt things may easily go wrong with the most understanding husband ever, but when you are calmer, having worked through your difficulties, you can then admit them, or lay them to rest as your FoC had said, and your conscience will be clear. So please try to get some help for this.. God be with you and be with all of us and blot out all my iniquities before and after marriage.. 
    Oujai qen P[c
  • yes, really good points. there could be current issues, so increase yr reading, praying and fasting (if no medical issues) and God will guide u.
  • These relationships happened before he wedding. That is your life not your husband's .  Move on love your husband. If these affairs continued after you married that is not ok, and it should be resolved immediately with yourself or your husbanb. Affairs are never forgotten, no matter the gender.  The trust, and honesty are completely broken,  the vows of marriage are the most painful.  Vows should only last five years and renewed if deemed necessary.  You were allowed to love at any age but we  are not allowed to be dishonestafter taken the vows.  You were Lucky to be loved more than once.

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