Been lonely for so long

Posting because I have nowhere else to go, I'm sorry. 

Coptic male in his 20s, nearly graduated college. All through college I've felt alone and isolated - not socially, I have made friendships that I'm sure will last a lifetime. No, I've felt isolated because of the way our culture is about dating and relationships. 

What's made it even more difficult is that there is no one I can talk to about this. I barely see my father of confession, my spiritual life is in tatters. I'm an ordained deacon, but perform my duties in a perfunctory way. I come from a small church - there are no females my age who are Coptic I can even associate with.

It's so difficult. So so painful. For years I've seen so many people around me have relationships, fall in love, break up, get married, the whole spectrum. And I'm stuck, I feel like there is a chain tied around my neck that extends into the sky, with God holding me back. I've met so many great girls I've developed feelings for and not once, not ever have I been able to tell them, to express this. Because the moment I want to, I feel like my body is trapped in this cruel box of rules and regulations, in which a potential partner must be Orthodox and most likely culturally Egyptian for me to even bother. I think to myself, hell what's the point? If I tell her how I feel, I know I can't have a future.

I'm so angry, I'm so frustrated, I can't talk to anyone. I feel deeply angry at God, which I know sounds ludicrous to you, because it certainly does to me. But right now, I feel like God is torturing me. I'm in a pressure-cooker. I've endured and endured like this for so long, burying feelings, pushing people away, not being able to be honest with anyone and what have I gained? What have I reaped? Nothing but anguish.

What sort of religion is this? Is this what God wants, for me to be alone and miserable always? When will it end?

Comments

  • may God guide you.
    remember that the cultural rules are not the same as God's rules.
    as far as the spiritual rules of the orthodox church, IF you get married, you need to marry another orthodox Christian.
    this can be greek / russian orthodox, indian / armenian orthodox etc.
    if you are privileged enough to go to college, probably you are not in a small town.
    probably there is an orthodox church not too far away.
    maybe it's ethiopian orthodox or romanian and so you didn't think it would be worth a visit.

    seriously, there are about 100 million female orthodox Christians in the world,
    and at least 1 million will be single and around the right age.
    how can you say your choice is limited?!
    i went on a 2,000 mile trip when i was in my '20s. i met the person i later married at a Christian event.

    please take some steps to tell God how you feel this in this fasting season and start to rebuild your relationship with Him.
    we are only on the planet for a short time, and we have this wonderful opportunity to find abundant life in God.
    His love for us is not like the love of some annoying authority figure from our past, instead He is gentle and kind and forgives sin.

    please start to pray and fast and sincerely seek God this fast.
    draw near to God and He will draw near to you (james 4:8).
    may God guide you, and please also pray for me, a sinner.
  • edited March 2015

    Inpain, I don't want you to take my advice negatively. I only wish to expound to you what I learned the hard way. By being taught and reading some invaluable material on it.

    I once read in unseen warfare that self pity is perhaps one of the most deceptive traps the devil can lay for you. I want you to underline the words “self-pity” & “deceptive” many times in your mind. Meaning that the feeling of emotional despondency and self withdrawal because something isn't going our way is paving the way for despair & more serious spiritual illnesses. We’re ill from this to various degrees.
    Ironically there's some pleasure in self pity because the devil likes to convince us that we're victims of something or someone. You aren't a victim. While I trust you truly feel the way you do you ought to look beyond yourself.

    In your post you admitted some profound things like “I've met so many great girls I've developed feelings for and not once, not ever have I been able to tell them, to express this.” Is this not your choice that you didn’t tell them? Why is God to blame?
    Again you said “barely see my father of confession, my spiritual life is in tatters”. Is this not one of the most essential components of our vocation as Orthodox Christians? How can you expect to have a relationship with God that is full and discernible without the church herself in the form of a priest and his guidance clearly void from your life? So we know our spiritual shortfalls yet we still want things from God. Not that we can be perfect, but lets at least try. And resist to the “shedding of blood” as St Paul tells us.
    Could we survive in a marriage without having our spiritual life corrected first? Perhaps God is trying to save you from something out of its proper time. I’m not bringing up your pain to remind you of it arbitrarily. I only want people to see especially ones who’ve grown up in the west and have been taught to obey every emotion and thought on a whim of how dangerous it is.

    You aren’t a victim, believe me. And don’t let society convince you of it. You have more food in your stomach and cloth on your back than most in the world, especially ones being butchered in the mid east right now. Again my comparison isn’t to make light of your situation. But finding a girl and marrying her is a serious thing. It’s a priestly vocation and a church that is consecrated to God. If God were to grant me that because I’ve somehow graduated and now feel ready then it displays a misunderstanding of His timing & wisdom. Forgive me once again. I know people here will pounce on me for sounding harsh but I’m fine with it because the truth needs to be said and sometimes the people who are hurt need to be hurt a little more in order to see through a deceptive cloud.
    Your willingness to come here and ask for help reveals your humble heart but we can still be more humble and release the shackles of self pity. It’s such a poison. I speak from experience & believe me, it’ll devour you.

    Don’t convince yourself you’re angry at God nor is He torturing you. He only wants your salvation & trust that His timing will come. You can help His timing by becoming more of what He wants you to be. Pray to God to humanize you, to make you the man He sees you to be. To make you the Christian who is loving and charitable and devoid of self pity. Only then will your spiritual life be corrected & perhaps a glimpse of His will in your life will become more discernible. Partake of the sacraments with confidence not with weakness. Love God by choice and not by emotion. Look at the fathers, look at the current martyrs of Libya. Young men in their 20s like you who accepted what was given to them. No self-pity, no denial of their God. Pure love and confidence that His will is being done. Are we at their level? Perhaps not. But work at the level you’re at. Pray without ceasing. Meditate on the suffering of our Lord and his followers past, present and certainly the future. We’re sojourners. Let whatever come, come. 

    If we continue to be weak and self pitying, granting every emotion its due right and time then we’ll be swallowed whole without any work from the devil. Love God in confidence & truth and He will provide you with the person you’re meant to be with. In His time. In His wisdom. Believe me.
    Forgive me and I’m praying for you.

  • I really can't thank you both enough for your responses mabsoota and Tobit. Tobit especially, what you said really hit home. After I posted this topic, I opened my Agpeya for the first time in weeks, and prayed the Twelfth Hour. It wasn't a pure prayer, it was sometimes just me reading the words, but I can't tell you how comforted I felt after it.

    I have a long way to go, but I thank God that such good people as yourselves cared to give your time and advice to someone in need. Please continue to pray for me.
  • Posting because I have nowhere else to go, I'm sorry.

    - neither have I, that's why I visit the forum here

    Coptic male in his 20s, nearly graduated college. All through college I've felt alone and isolated - not socially, I have made friendships that I'm sure will last a lifetime. No, I've felt isolated because of the way our culture is about dating and relationships.

    - similar situation here, but I also feel socially isolated even though I have friends.

    What's made it even more difficult is that there is no one I can talk to about this. I barely see my father of confession, my spiritual life is in tatters.

    - Same. But for me it's because there is no priest I can talk to who is nearby. The one I felt comfortable talking to is about 5hrs away! So I feel that I am not part of the church really.

    I'm an ordained deacon, but perform my duties in a perfunctory way. I come from a small church - there are no females my age who are Coptic I can even associate with.

    - even if there were people from the opposite sex your age...if they do not have similar mentalities it's really frustrating. Just because people go to the same church, doesn't mean they all get along fine. So the problem isn't just that the congregation is small, it is also about meeting people that you have something in common with other than God.

    It's so difficult. So so painful. For years I've seen so many people around me have relationships, fall in love, break up, get married, the whole spectrum.

    - I'm also struggling a lot with this. I just wish there were people I could trust, or people who understand me. I don't worry too much about the getting married part because that's a major step, but I wish there were suitable people that I could date with the intention of marriage in the future.

    And I'm stuck, I feel like there is a chain tied around my neck that extends into the sky, with God holding me back.

    - I do feel stuck but I never felt that God is holding me back. However awful I felt, I never could even fantasise about living without my christianity - it is all I know how to be and even the thought of my life without my faith is inconceivable.

    I've met so many great girls I've developed feelings for and not once, not ever have I been able to tell them, to express this.

    - as in physical attraction? Well, for me, I somehow do not feel attracted to anyone until I speak to them and get to know them. And my heart can't fall for someone who doesn't have a similar lifestyle to mine.
    While you maybe attracted to them and think that if only they would approach you...the truth is, they won't live up to your subconscious standards. By these standards I mean integrity, monogamy and so many other things. Most people in society nowadays date for the sake of dating, no proper intentions of a life-long commitment. Yes you'll find the rare few who do, but they would still fail when it comes to faith and other very important factors.

    Because the moment I want to, I feel like my body is trapped in this cruel box of rules and regulations,

    - Are you sure there is no element of social anxiety towards the opposite sex? I am quite shy myself and I think that is another obstacle in my way. But also its your conscience. Your heart know and your "gut feeling" will tell you if you shouldn't be trying to get close to someone who isn't christian, (notice I say "christian" not specifically coptic).

    in which a potential partner must be Orthodox and most likely culturally Egyptian for me to even bother. I think to myself, hell what's the point? If I tell her how I feel, I know I can't have a future.

    - well, ask yourself this: what is the reason behind your decision? Is it because your family won't approve? Or people from church will frown on it? Or is it because of your faith? For me, it is because of my faith that I do not allow myself to get close to someone where it is so clearly not going to work out because of fundamental differences in beliefs and personal choices.
    It sounds like you are almost trying to test the waters, being tempted "why not, let me try just the once" but the Holy Spirit in you is resisting?

    I'm so angry, I'm so frustrated, I can't talk to anyone. I feel deeply angry at God, which I know sounds ludicrous to you, because it certainly does to me.

    - I get so angry that I hate myself and I hate my life. Literally depressed sometimes. And no, I can't talk to anyone about this because my uni friends do not understand my lifestyle choices and peeps from church are judgemental and put on images of perfection...so I can't be honest with them and show my vulnerability.
    I even talked to God after coming across a verse about His love for me, and said God, your love isn't enough, I need more.

    But right now, I feel like God is torturing me.

    - Free will. God isn't forcing you to do anything. The path to salvation isn't easy. But you are free to choose your own path and have whatever you want. What do you choose?

    I'm in a pressure-cooker. I've endured and endured like this for so long, burying feelings, pushing people away, not being able to be honest with anyone and what have I gained? What have I reaped? Nothing but anguish.

    - I'm told that the gain isn't in this life ;) so unfortunately if you're looking for the reward right now you may be disappointed. Although I believe God knows our needs and does provide. And if he withholds something from us, it's because he knows we can handle it. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle..but "handle" doesn't mean that we are happy and without suffering.
    I feel that I am suffering. Every. Single. Day.

    What sort of religion is this? Is this what God wants, for me to be alone and miserable always? When will it end?

    - sometimes I think maybe this is my cross in this life. Maybe I will never be in a relationship. I just have to deal with it.
    Is this what God wants? I don't know, why don't you ask him? . God does have a plan for every one of us, but we can choose to follow it, or create our own path. If you create your own path, he'll still help you, but it might be even harder than the path he has for you.
    Will it end? Yes.
    when? When your life ends and you can hopefully join the party in heaven :) because whether we are alone or in relationships, we are still persevering..but in different ways.


    Anyways, tell me what you think.
  • @mnc_hnn
    "(notice I say "christian" not specifically coptic)"

    I would rather you rephrased this in a way that uses the word 'Orthodox'. That way we can discuss what you really mean. 'Coptic', as I'm sure you know, is a culture not a religion.
  • edited March 2015
    Inpain I will not negate your situation, I speak from personal experience having lived in the most remote of the lands of immigration 3hrs from the nearest Orthodox church with essentially no youth my age, you are certainly not the first nor will be the last in this situation. No it is not easy. I recently moved to a less remote country but there will always be challenges and, if there weren't, what need would we as human beings have for God?

    A couple of things to add to the God's wisdom Tobit wrote so eloquently (for all true wisdom is from God alone), pointing out the importance of a Spiritual father and the role of self-pity as one of the Devil's greatest deceptions (the other one pride). 
  • edited March 2015
    - Trust in God's plan and God's timing. "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil."
    - Thank God for giving you the opportunity to strengthen your faith, "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." - Romans 5:3-5
    Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you - 1 Peter 5:7
     --Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. - Psalm 55:22
     -- Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. - Matthew 11:29-30
    - The Lord will fight for you and you need only to be still - Exodus 14:14

    May God bless your efforts, says the Lord, "and you shall seek me, and find me, when you shall search for me with all your heart."
  • Thank you all for you responses.



    I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

    - I do feel stuck but I never felt that God is holding me back. However awful I felt, I never could even fantasise about living without my christianity - it is all I know how to be and even the thought of my life without my faith is inconceivable.

    Thank you especially for this comment. When I first posted, I was posting from a place of despair and sadness. Now that I've come to my senses a little bit, I realise that God has been the only steady thing in my life. My Orthodoxy is the faith of my parents, and was my grandfather's faith, my grandfather a priest who passed away not too long ago. If I imagine what my grandfather would do if he were here, and I told him how I felt, I know he'd take me into a warm embrace and remind me gently to cast all my troubles on God. That God loves us all, even if we feel frustrated and lash out and blame Him unjustly. 

    I pray that he gives me a portion of the strength he has given you sister, and that he strengthen you with your burdens.


    - Inpain I will not negate your situation, I speak from personal experience having lived in the most remote of the lands of immigration 3hrs from the nearest Orthodox church with essentially no youth my age, you are certainly not the first nor will be the last in this situation. No it is not easy. I recently moved to a less remote country but there will always be challenges and, if there weren't, what need would we as human beings have for God?

    You're right. I know that my feelings of loneliness and isolation are of my own doing, by my failing to pray and live an active Christian life every day. Its comforting to know that if I only let my pride and self-pity go, He is always there whenever I need. 

    Thank you for your edifying quotes.
  • @Inpain and @mnc_hnn

    I am a Coptic Orthodox female also in my 20s, and I struggled greatly with feelings of isolation growing up. My parents immigrated to the US when I was about a year old, and they were so resistant to the culture (or I guess you could say the unknown) that they led me to believe that things such as dating was immoral and not condoned by our faith (amongst a number of other things that seemed harmless to me). I directed all my anger toward them. This was most challenging because I am an only child and did not have someone to share/understand my experiences directly. As I got to high school, you could say that I became distant from the church. Although I still struggle with constant feelings of loneliness, I am a very social person and have a great deal of friends. 

    I have never defined myself as anything other than Orthodox Christian and it is something that I am proud to share with others. I am the first to say that I have a lot of work to do as a Christian. My faith waivers at times. I am always telling others that God has a plan bigger than us and that what is meant to happen will happen. I recently got out of a long-term relationship with someone who is also Coptic Orthodox and am questioning these ideas but am feeling a great deal of guilt for it. I do not want to have any negative feelings toward God. I know that the first step is to repair my relationship with God.

    There was a time when I never missed a morning or night of prayer. I would have a long list of things that that I was grateful for, and I would recite all of them during every prayer. My first goal is to reattain this habit of prayer.

    I guess the main reason why I am responding to your posts is to let you know that you are not alone in this, and there are others that are struggling with the same feelings despite the various contexts. Feel free to reply here or message me if you need someone to talk to.


    Thank you for the strengthening quotes!
  • Thanks for the post @Alexandria, God bless your life. Relationships unravelling are one of the most difficult experiences but sometimes we need to lose precious things in order to find God again.
  • very wise words.
    may God bless you all this pentecost.
  • Hello my precious friend!  Though I am old enough to be your grandmother and my life has been somewhat different from yours, I can 100% understand the emotions you express because I live with pretty much the feelings every day!  I will pray for you and please pray for me!
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