After 2 years.

edited December 1969 in Personal Issues
I’m really far away from God, and any relationship that I used to have with him I cut off. After doing many bad things in the dark (fel khafa), I don’t feel guilt over anything that I may do, no matter what the sin would be. I’m at a dangerous position in my life. Why? Because I don’t want to stop or go back to God. That is how dangerous my situation has gotten. A year ago, I asked for guidance from my Sunday school teachers, and instead, they excluded me from the class, and thought I was being over dramatic. Well no, I wasn’t. And that was a turning point. I stopped going to Sunday school because I felt like I didn’t belong there, and no one even cared. That made me feel bitter and resentment. The Sunday school class would do things together, and no one would invite me. Now after a full year, I’m still doing many sins. My parents caught me, and since then I have been grounded from the outside and inside world. I’m not allowed to be with any electronics alone, not allowed to be in my room alone, not allowed to have any friends in school, not allowed to call/text anyone, not allowed to attend any church activities, not allowed to have ‘free’ time, not allowed to listen to music, not allowed to read the books I want. I’m not allowed to do anything in my life. And this just makes me find other ways to do what I want behind their backs. I’m practically in house arrest.

I’m not going to say that God hasn’t given me the chances to repent. He did. And I denied all of the chances. There were times where I felt like a need to repent, but I never did. And I’m always aware of the emptiness inside of me. It’s as if I was never meant to be without God. But I am. I say that I’m fasting only because if I don’t, my parents wouldn’t get off my tail. When I try to pray, I can’t. I really can’t. It’s not like how I was before. Every minute of my day was filled with prayer, and I loved God more than anything in the world. He was my life. I never wanted to sin willingly because I had the fear of God in my life. Now all I feel is emptiness. Indifference. Impassiveness. And it’s going to make me go insane.

Everyday I say I need God back in my life, but I just sin again and again. The biggest sin in my life right now is lying, trying to hide up all of my wrong-doings and mistakes that I do.  I just really need to talk to someone about this. I tried with my Abouna. Can’t talk to anyone from church because you can never trust Egyptians to keep secrets. My whole life has gone downhill since I left God. Everything in my life is ruined. Everything. Even things that I can’t explain here. Even the things I had as a part of my personality is gone. I used to have so much peace and humility in my heart, and now I replaced those with the opposite. I know I want to go back to God, but I take the first step, and then go back to my sinful self again. All I want to do is pray, and not have doubts whether or not my prayers will be accepted. I’m just tired of this life. I just need to get this off my chest. I know my chances are almost over. God will probably give me a wake-up call soon if I don’t change. It’s been 2 years living without Him. I can't stop. I don't even get the feelings that I need to repent. I became immune to the guilt feeling after sinning soo much. Lie after Lie. Cheat after cheat. Thought after thought. I really need help.


  • Jesus died for people like you.
    and like me.

    did you hear the sermon 'come back to God' from pope shenouda?
    maybe someone hear can send a link or you can search for it.
    even if you heard it before, listen to it again.

    do you know the story of anba moses? even after he killed lots of people, God forgave him when he repented.

    there are no easy answers.
    you come out of this one confession at a time, just as you went into it one sin at a time.
    make every repentance and good deed a stepping stone to the next one.

    get books to read, so you don't miss electronic stuff so much.
    did you try the 'orthodox study Bible'?
    don't think of it as something for theologians or sunday school teachers; the guidance notes are good for ordinary people too.
    start with something easier like the book of Matthew, or read the articles in it on chrismation, baptism etc.
    get booklets like by pope shenouda or the life of the saints.
    if they are boring, read them out loud to yourself until you get to the end.
    i recently read the 'Christian life' (or some similar title) by pope kyrillos; it's only about 20 pages long, and good reading in the evening before sleep.

    make your goal survival and make your tools your books.
    do housework so you don't get numb from sitting reading too much. vacuuming uses lots of calories and is a good workout.
    may God give u strength as you turn back to him one step at a time.
  • I cried reading your post.

    The answer is in your signature: ask and it will be given to you.

    Lord, the sins I commit now are countless and I feel no guilt. Give me the spirit of sensitivity and circumspection. My desire to please myself increases day after day. Give me a self-less heart so that I may shift my attention to my brothers. Lord there are many virtues I wish to acquire yet I do no work to attain them. Give me that strive and perseverance. Lord, sometimes I give in to even the smallest of sins. Help me, Master, to resist all temptation and to be diligent in fighting the smallest ones. Lord, often do I sin in darkness so no one can see me. Help me Lord to always remember that you see all things-- I cannot hide.
    Father, all you want from me is to lift up my heart in prayer. I can't without the desire. Give me that desire. You want me to repent and turn back so you can fill me up with your precious gifts, but I would rather lie in my own dirt instead and eat from the pigs food (like the prodigal son). You ask me the same question you asked the paralyzed man at the pool of bethesda "do you want to be made well?" Lord, how many times have I turned you away and wanted to lay there paralyzed in my sins?
    Lord, a tear of repentance is most precious in your sight. Help me lord, help me to weep. Give me the tears. Open my eyes so that I may see the weight of my sins before I find myself standing before your fearful judgment-- speechless. Lord, I never want to hear you say "I never knew you. Depart from me, oh you prepared for the everlasting fire". You are merciful and compassionate, please have pity on your daughter. Don't allow me to turn my back on you. You stand there constantly knocking for me, now I am knocking. Please don't reject me or turn your face away from me because of my sins. Hold my hand and don't let go. I need you now, and especially during this pure fast which is coming to an end.
    Have mercy on me. Forgive me. I love you.

  • ^ :) ^

    My friend, the prodigal son, you have come to your senses and realized that you want to return! Thank God that you are not in the state of spiritual numbness that many (like myself) are in. The pain you feel, I wish God would give it to me. It is the surest sign that God is ready to help you, and that you are willing to listen. I am so happy for you that you have this blessing of feeling.

    God bless you. Although your message was filled with sorrow, it filled me with joy. Although you may feel hopeless, it filled me with hope. Pray for me, and I will pray for you.

    The advice of Mabsoota, and TITL is as good as it comes. Thanks all,


  • Come back to God
    HH Pope Shenouda III
  • There is no sin which cannot be pardoned except that one which lacks repentance, and there is no gift which is not augmented save that which remains without acknowledgement. For the portion of the fool is small in his eyes. (Mar Isaac, Homily II, Ascetical Homilies)

    When thou art in a state of subjection and languid and dejected, and thou art bound and fettered before thy foe in mournful wretchedness and laborious service of sin, then recall to thy mind the previous times of firmness: how thou showest painstaking even concerning small things and how thou wert moved with zeal against the obstructors in thy course: how thou uttered sighs on account of the small things which were despised by thee as accidental and thy whole person was winding a wreath of victory over these things. Then, by these and similar recollections, thy soul will be aroused as from the depth, and be clad with the flame of zeal; and it will rise from it's immersion as if from the dead, and stretch itself and return to it's former state, in hot strife against Satan and sin.

    Recollect the fall of the strong, that thou mayest remain humble under thy virtues. And think of the heavy sins of those who fell and repented; and of the praise and honour they received afterwards, so that thou mayest acquire courage during thy repentance. (Mar Isaac, Homily II, Ascetical Homilies)

    He who does not willingly remain far from things causing sin will be drawn towards them involuntarily. Things causing sin are wine and women, riches and bodily health. They are not to be called sin in themselves, but on account of man's weakness and their unlawful use, nature is easily drawn by them - more easily than by any other thing - towards different sins and therefore there is need of peculiar caution in regards of them. If thou rememberst continually, and recognisest truly that thou art weak, thou wilt never overstep the borders prescribed by watchfulness. (Mar Isaac, Homily VI, Ascetical Homilies)

    Repentance has been given to mankind as a grace beyond grace. Repentance is a second birth from God. This second birth we receive in earnest in Baptism. (Mar Isaac, Ascetical Homilies)

    Repentance is the gateway to mercy which is open for all who seek it. By way of this gate we enter divine mercy, and apart from this entrance one cannot find mercy. (Mar Isaac, Ascetical Homilies)

    This life has been given to you for repentance; do not waste it in vain pursuits. (Mar Isaac, Ascetical Homilies)
  • The reason you are sinning is because you are suffering from sickness.
    Jesus says those who are well have no need of a Physician but those who are sick.

    St Paul Says Walk in the Spirit and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

    Unfortunately we can not expect anyone to help us if we are sick ourselves.. only those walking in the Spirit can advise you without any hesitation or doubt. Thats why a priest tends to be very helpful thats if he is walking in the spirit also or a christian from church
    Who gives us this sickness? Satan when he tells us lies and we don't destroy them

    I want to help but I know I can not because Satan makes me confused. And if I talk I am being used by him. But I am feeling a little stronger today by trying to solve more of my problems. But I might choose to stunt my growth. But I really feel I will become strong now for long but I have proved otherwise before

    2 Timothy 2:22
    New King James Version (NKJV)
    22 Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

    I hope us being sick does not offend you Jesus did say the Way would be narrow. And Noah walked with God even when everyone did not.
    Sometimes us being sick is not our fault as much as it seems to be. I can not explain this well. It could be because we are entagled in different nets of satan but we are still sick and can not help in anything.

    However we can't use sickness as an excuse we must get better ourselves to help our brothers and sisters in the church.

    Hebrews talks about the need for believers to build up each other

    Even though we want to help others we really want to be a community which is strong abiding in the strength of the LORD. We have to be a light in the World so others can come to Christ  and to give Him glory in this world now and in heaven

    I did not want to reply because I didn't want to give the impression that we like to hear about others sinning we like to hear about them repenting and I suspect some people get jealous that others are forgiven and want the same attention

    But sin can not be belittled it is not God's will for this world

    I feel I am not trusting God by replying to this post. I am confused what my role is in this world

    It is expected for a teenager to struggle with sin parents try to concentrate on making them have a happy childhood they don't teach them to read the word of God. When I was a teenager I was never encouraged to read the bible and on some occasions I tried and I did not understand. Children do not feel as empty of purpose as adults to start reading the word of God. Maybe I am wrong. I wonder why I never read the bible when I was younger.

    It was a mistake
    15 and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.

    I do not know what right I have to call others sick. I know people can help but they should only help when they feel confidence in their conscience that they are not replying in haste

  • Mabsoota-
    Thank you for the practical advice. I guess one of the most important things that you reminded me of, is that I must act. I'll be doing everything you listed. Pray for me.

    You have no idea how much I've read that prayer up until this point. I felt those words and it has really really impacted me more than I can say, and this is the exact reason why I decided to post this here. Because I know that something will affect me from the inside. I actually printed it! I really want to work hard now and pray like this...I miss this

    You might think that I'm not in spirtual numbness, but reeeeeeally, I am. Thank you for the uplifting words

    I like how everyone always refers to this video

    "then recall to your mind the previous times of firmness: how you showest painstaking even concerning small things and how you were moved with zeal against the obstructors in your course: how you uttered sighs on account of the small things which were despised by you as accidental and your whole person was winding a wreath of victory over these things. Then, by these and similar recollections, your soul will be aroused as from the depth, and be clad with the flame of zeal; and it will rise from it's immersion as if from the dead, and stretch itself and return to it's former state, in hot strife against Satan and sin."

    This is like, wow. I had to pull this out. So maybe if I think about how much I hated sin back then, it will help me have this fervor to go back to that state? I think this all goes back to working and acting instead of complaining abou this. I think I should have just made a plan to read the bible and pray everyday even if I dont feel like it. I just have to act.

    I do confess that I am sick and that I am in need of the ultimate healer in my life, and I think you're right about who I should go to for advise. I really didn't mean to make anyone confused, or doubt or anything, so please forgive me.

    I thank God for everything, and for this new day. If today's a new day, then I have the opprotunity to do things right and to pray. Please pray for me, and for anyone who might also be going through this drought

  • [quote author=TITL link=topic=14374.msg164236#msg164236 date=1366167277]
    I cried reading your post.

    I also wept reading it CS.

    Have you flicked through the Psalms? King David himself felt this. He felt abandonment by people and from God at times. He experienced disappointment from circumstances in his life. He fell in sin and cried to God even though at first he felt like God didn't hear him. I think it was the blessed Augustine who said that the psalms are the voice of the human soul.

    A prayer you can ask God daily is to soften your heart to want to go back to Him.

    God knows the frailty of our nature and is merciful towards it. He knows what you're going through. The chances aren't over... in His justice He is merciful and in His mercy He is just.
    Since it's the fast, ask God to restore you back to the way you were, or to raise you up... hold onto the hope of your resurrection.

    Praying for you
  • [quote author=TITL link=topic=14374.msg164236#msg164236 date=1366167277]

    The answer is in your signature: ask and it will be given to you.

    You were right :)
  • "And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:

    'My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord,
    Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;
      For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
    And scourges every son whom He receives.'

    If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. 9 Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. 11 Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:5-11)

    You have been blessed CopticStrength - now move ever forwards and onwards. Continue to grow in God, never let Him go. May God continue to bless and strengthen you, remember us in your prayers.

    [quote author=CopticStrength link=topic=14374.msg164262#msg164262 date=1366382566]
    I think I should have just made a plan to read the bible and pray everyday even if I dont feel like it. I just have to act.

    A Bible reading plan for a year.

    The second most important book you open every day:
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