I’m really far away from God, and any relationship that I used to have with him I cut off. After doing many bad things in the dark (fel khafa), I don’t feel guilt over anything that I may do, no matter what the sin would be. I’m at a dangerous position in my life. Why? Because I don’t want to stop or go back to God. That is how dangerous my situation has gotten. A year ago, I asked for guidance from my Sunday school teachers, and instead, they excluded me from the class, and thought I was being over dramatic. Well no, I wasn’t. And that was a turning point. I stopped going to Sunday school because I felt like I didn’t belong there, and no one even cared. That made me feel bitter and resentment. The Sunday school class would do things together, and no one would invite me. Now after a full year, I’m still doing many sins. My parents caught me, and since then I have been grounded from the outside and inside world. I’m not allowed to be with any electronics alone, not allowed to be in my room alone, not allowed to have any friends in school, not allowed to call/text anyone, not allowed to attend any church activities, not allowed to have ‘free’ time, not allowed to listen to music, not allowed to read the books I want. I’m not allowed to do anything in my life. And this just makes me find other ways to do what I want behind their backs. I’m practically in house arrest.
I’m not going to say that God hasn’t given me the chances to repent. He did. And I denied all of the chances. There were times where I felt like a need to repent, but I never did. And I’m always aware of the emptiness inside of me. It’s as if I was never meant to be without God. But I am. I say that I’m fasting only because if I don’t, my parents wouldn’t get off my tail. When I try to pray, I can’t. I really can’t. It’s not like how I was before. Every minute of my day was filled with prayer, and I loved God more than anything in the world. He was my life. I never wanted to sin willingly because I had the fear of God in my life. Now all I feel is emptiness. Indifference. Impassiveness. And it’s going to make me go insane.
Everyday I say I need God back in my life, but I just sin again and again. The biggest sin in my life right now is lying, trying to hide up all of my wrong-doings and mistakes that I do. I just really need to talk to someone about this. I tried with my Abouna. Can’t talk to anyone from church because you can never trust Egyptians to keep secrets. My whole life has gone downhill since I left God. Everything in my life is ruined. Everything. Even things that I can’t explain here. Even the things I had as a part of my personality is gone. I used to have so much peace and humility in my heart, and now I replaced those with the opposite. I know I want to go back to God, but I take the first step, and then go back to my sinful self again. All I want to do is pray, and not have doubts whether or not my prayers will be accepted. I’m just tired of this life. I just need to get this off my chest. I know my chances are almost over. God will probably give me a wake-up call soon if I don’t change. It’s been 2 years living without Him. I can't stop. I don't even get the feelings that I need to repent. I became immune to the guilt feeling after sinning soo much. Lie after Lie. Cheat after cheat. Thought after thought. I really need help.