Office Affair

edited December 1969 in Personal Issues
A coworker has admitted to me that she has been having an affair for the past few months. Her husband is in their home state with the kids. She is here making the money until her husband finds a new job (He left about six months ago). He found a job about two months after the affair started and has also bought a house. He was looking through their email and found evidence of the affair and questioned his wife about it. She confessed and told him they were going to stop. She went back to the other guy and continued the affair a week later. In about two to four months she will be going back home to her husband, but she thinks that she has formed an emotional attachment to her "lover". And it doesn't help that he is emotionally distant with his wife, who also found out about the affair, and has formed a bond with her. I am going to try to take her to one of our priests (She is Catholic). I need a lot of advice. Please help.

Comments

  • I am sorry no one has answered you and what I am about to say has nothing to do with spiritual aspect of your friend's situation. I won't try to give anyone advice and I would be the last person to judge anyone but the chances of successful office romance are next to nothing.

    People can fall in love for all of the strangest reasons and no one is immune, may be she is open to emotional bonding with someone and that she may have found something in him that has awakened deep wounds. Human experience is full of examples of ways in which we all regularly nurture hopes and even illusions that are completely at odds with objective reality and acting in that way is very dangerous - for everyone involved.

    In western society an office romance are generally believed to be unhelpful to the welfare and effectiveness of the business, not to mention the legal implications of sexual harassment, breaking the company’s policy and she may even get fired for that. In developing countries, Christian girls or even married women are targeted in the name of romance by Muslim men with the whole purpose of converting them to Islam. She should be careful.

    There is no easy way out of it unless she changes her environments by looking for another job and move immediately back to her husband, search deep in her soul what has changed in her relationship with her husband. I think the best advice for her is to surround herself with friends who really love her not judging her behavior. Last but not least she should see Abona before it gets out of hand.
  • Flex,

    Whilst I think your advice was brilliant, I didn't get the impression that this lady's friend was in a situation where her office-lover was a muslim.

    I think it is best to divorce. She has committed adultary. That's the only reason the Church allows for divorce. My point of view is this: her husband is emotionally distant to his wife, who in turn, is emotionally attached to another man. The RC will give him a divorce if she has committed adultary. She is living a lie.

    She has made it abundantly clear that she is not at all remorseful nor repentent about her affair. This could lead to more liasons with this man from her office.
  • [quote author=flexmd link=topic=7496.msg99241#msg99241 date=1231814476]
    I am sorry no one has answered you and what I am about to say has nothing to do with spiritual aspect of your friend's situation. I won't try to give anyone advice and I would be the last person to judge anyone but the chances of successful office romance are next to nothing.

    People can fall in love for all of the strangest reasons and no one is immune, may be she is open to emotional bonding with someone and that she may have found something in him that has awakened deep wounds. Human experience is full of examples of ways in which we all regularly nurture hopes and even illusions that are completely at odds with objective reality and acting in that way is very dangerous - for everyone involved.

    In western society an office romance are generally believed to be unhelpful to the welfare and effectiveness of the business, not to mention the legal implications of sexual harassment, breaking the company’s policy and she may even get fired for that. In developing countries, Christian girls or even married women are targeted in the name of romance by Muslim men with the whole purpose of converting them to Islam. She should be careful.

    There is no easy way out of it unless she changes her environments by looking for another job and move immediately back to her husband, search deep in her soul what has changed in her relationship with her husband. I think the best advice for her is to surround herself with friends who really love her not judging her behavior. Last but not least she should see Abona before it gets out of hand.



    Please forgive me, but I felt I had to say this, you make it seem as if all Muslim men in developing countries are out to convert christian women.
    Now me being a christian woman from a developing country, I do not think this generalization of Muslim men to make them all look like evil predators is true nor christian.
    There are many honorable muslim men who respect others... (and the men who do this, are no worse than 'christians' who go hunting for a woman out of lust..)

    God bless you
    Please forgive me and pray for my weakness
  • [quote author=Godislove260 link=topic=7496.msg99254#msg99254 date=1231875233]
    [quote author=flexmd link=topic=7496.msg99241#msg99241 date=1231814476]
    I am sorry no one has answered you and what I am about to say has nothing to do with spiritual aspect of your friend's situation. I won't try to give anyone advice and I would be the last person to judge anyone but the chances of successful office romance are next to nothing.

    People can fall in love for all of the strangest reasons and no one is immune, may be she is open to emotional bonding with someone and that she may have found something in him that has awakened deep wounds. Human experience is full of examples of ways in which we all regularly nurture hopes and even illusions that are completely at odds with objective reality and acting in that way is very dangerous - for everyone involved.

    In western society an office romance are generally believed to be unhelpful to the welfare and effectiveness of the business, not to mention the legal implications of sexual harassment, breaking the company’s policy and she may even get fired for that. In developing countries, Christian girls or even married women are targeted in the name of romance by Muslim men with the whole purpose of converting them to Islam. She should be careful.

    There is no easy way out of it unless she changes her environments by looking for another job and move immediately back to her husband, search deep in her soul what has changed in her relationship with her husband. I think the best advice for her is to surround herself with friends who really love her not judging her behavior. Last but not least she should see Abona before it gets out of hand.



    Please forgive me, but I felt I had to say this, you make it seem as if all Muslim men in developing countries are out to convert christian women.
    Now me being a christian woman from a developing country, I do not think this generalization of Muslim men to make them all look like evil predators is true nor christian.
    There are many honorable muslim men who respect others... (and the men who do this, are no worse than 'christians' who go hunting for a woman out of lust..)

    God bless you
    Please forgive me and pray for my weakness


    I agree 110% here also.

    As I said, everything you said is OK, except the part about muslims. You shouldnt generalise like that.
    This animosity a lot of Copts have towards muslims is something you will have to pray for.

    I think this animosity is beginning to distort people's judgement.
  • I am going to try to take her to one of our priests (She is Catholic).

    forgive me, but what good would that do?! take them to a Marriage council!

    and she's apparently not observing the sanctity of her Marriage, and says she "loves" her sexual acquaintance... while she really doesn't love him... but his... acquaintance! I don't want to pass judgment, maybe her husband does not give her "enough" when they're together, so she goes and seeks more... but something you can do is talk to her... see why she would do something like that, don't bring religion into it, except if she wants religion to be mentioned! so talk to her let her tell you everything, then you'll be able to understand the situation better! but the best thing you can do, is have them go to a marriage council.

    akhadna el baraka... neshkor Allah!
  • Godislove260, my post, more than anything, was exercise of awareness among all readers not meant to be a generalized statement about anyone. Creating a dialogue around why and how is beneficial for everyone, at least from a cerebral standpoint.

    QT,  there are a hundred different ways to break the marriage sanctity and commit worth than adultery like emotional abandonment, neglect, indifference, lack of respect... may be her husband done all the above and she was truly seeking validation by having an office affair she thought it was/is “True Love” relationship, may be  she misses closeness and security of love within marriage that makes both partners feel comforted, gives them structure to grow a family and a sense of belonging. Have you noticed the affair started when she was the one supporting the family and she confessed to her husband but may be he didn’t realize where the problems are. I am not saying what she did was right, all I am saying we don’t know all the facts. May be b1t2e3’s post was a cry for help to her dear friend and was asking for your prayers for her and others in her situation.   
  • Hi Flex,

    But can anyone here deny that a man should not divorce his wife on the grounds of adultary?

    I think for the reasons of emotional neglect etc.. (other than adultary), the Church would recommend that the couple should "work it out" - but , as for adultary, the act itself dissolves the marriage.

    Would you agree?
  • I think that  emotional neglect is a serious sin against the unity in which Christ has joined. It makes a mockery of the readings we read during the Sacrament of marriage- that they should subject to each other, and that the husband must love the wife as Jesus Christ loves the Church- to the death of the Cross. I see no innocent party here. I think the faithlessness in the wife, is not believing that God can fill the void that was left by the cold, distant husband.

    While I am easily condemning both, we should remember that every sin we do is a betrayal of the Communion we have with God in partaking of the Eucharist. And it also serves as a reminder that we should base our relationships on the cornerstone of Christ, Jesus. Otherwise, us weak men and women, may and perhaps even likely in this day and age, to be tempted to fill the void from unsatisfying relationships with the temporary fix of sin.

    I mean, we do not sin because we are stupid, or even because we are weak. It is because we do not have the grace, the help and protection of Christ. It is not because we are ignorant (well, at least in the case of adultery), but since we get our insatiable needs satisfied by a fallible, and limited human being.

    May she see how this adultery has affected her, and may she repent, seeking the sweet mercy of God!
  • I wouldn't really agree that the act of adultery dissolves a marriage.

    Our Lord says that a lustful look is the same as adultery and warns us that we are hypocrites if we judge those who have committed such a physical act while we harbour lustful thoughts in our hearts. If lustful looks are the same as adultery then as a married man I would have to say that my marriage had been dissolved.

    But it has not been, not least because with God there is forgiveness and healing, and this can be found even when the act of adultery has taken place, and not only from God but from a loving spouse. Most or all of us have not committed adultery as an act, but we have harboured the inward intention within our hearts and this is as bad and is just as grave a sin.

    That being so I think that while a person could divorce their partner on the grounds of adultery, it is a spiritual person who can forgive and seek to rebuild that relationship. And for the one who has fallen into adultery, since we also fall and are forgiven, I do believe that we should extend love and care and not condemn the person even while we can condemn the sin. Since I fall every day into a multitude of sins I know that I am not better than this person in any way. May the Lord have mercy on all the parties in this situation.

    In Christ

    Peter
  • [quote author=QT_PA_2T link=topic=7496.msg99285#msg99285 date=1231922912]
    Hi Flex,

    But can anyone here deny that a man should not divorce his wife on the grounds of adultary?

    I think for the reasons of emotional neglect etc.. (other than adultary), the Church would recommend that the couple should "work it out" - but , as for adultary, the act itself dissolves the marriage.

    Would you agree?


    QT, Here's my take, marriage is a lifelong commitment, built on a partnership in which the spouses are equal. Divorce was never the answer to any marital problems even adultery, there will come a time when not only both have to forgive but forget. Couple should do everything possible to keep the family together.. Think about it, every marriage is less than perfect in one way or another, if the couple didn’t workout the reasons he/she had an affair, these problems will be carried out to the next relation and ultimately both will face the same situation again with his/her new founded love. In short, underlying issues that caused the marriage to tear apart need to be addressed first and resolved, marriages can always be salvaged, both spouses need to delete the corrupted software programmed in their mind and install the most recent version with added anti-virus protection.
  • Yes, but sadly, sometimes both parties are not committed to the task.
  • i agree with peter farrington, if all adultery lead to divorce automatically, we wouldn't have so many married people! i am actually glad some people think it would as it means they are pure and don't expect people to sin like that!
    in fact even lust is sin in God's eyes, so the best action is for all parties to repent and draw near to God and ask Him to teach them how to live better lives.
    and, well done, you are taking a non-coptic person to a coptic priest. of course that's the right thing to do, it shows we are able to understand the needs of all those around us. the first person you think of in a crisis is your priest. that means the priest is someone you can talk to, how it should be.
    the main need of all those involved is salvation. for this they also need to change their behaviour.
    if they turn down salvation, they can try to go to a marriage council to patch things up, but marriage works better with God.  :)
  • I don't think we are all called to do what Hosea did; it is admirable, and God will certainly reward you for it, but it needs a certain character to willingly endure the betrayal again and again. It remind me of the Psalm I read this morning- Psalm 55 (It was part of the Quiet Time passage today). The hurt described by King David just illustrates the faithfulness we need to God to be able to cast- throw away- our problems, so that we will be able to endure it. I don't think many even devoted Christians involved in a relationship with an unfaithful spouse can be yoked to a wilfully, unrepentant, uncooperative soul. Yes, adultery is something that can and has been forgiven by some Christians today and the past, and expect so in the future; however, it is wrong to assume that everyone is fit for it. That's my opinion.
  • I would start by admitting that all my suggestions are not based on experience or in-depth knowledge in the matter but mere personal assumption. As a sinner I found myself more indulged in my sinful desires when my spiritual vitalities are weak. I would try a quick fix after my sinful desire has set root while what I really need is a thorough solution. Sometime we take a Tylenol to releave a symptom while what we need is a thorough check up by a physician. 
    What I am trying to say is sin is a symptom by which to gage our spiritual maturity. Trying to abolish a sinful life is a noble goal but it can only be achieved by elevating ones spiritual maturity as a whole. You might have heard people trying to burn their belly fat which is absurd. You can burn fat from all over your body but not specifically from your belly only. In the same manner one can’t abolish a specific sin without tempering others. It should be a holistic approach. You should be helping her to develop habits such as prayer, fasting, confession, going to church etc. that will strengthen her spiritual well being. With Gods will she will realize how lethal sin is and how she should flee from it.
    Now I acknowledge that I am suggesting a long way to solve the problem but it is better to cure the problem from its root. Pray for her that God may help her in her struggle with the adversary.   

    In Christ
  • [quote author=clay link=topic=7496.msg99336#msg99336 date=1232064654]
    Yes, adultery is something that can and has been forgiven by some Christians today and the past, and expect so in the future; however, it is wrong to assume that everyone is fit for it. That's my opinion.


    Clay, there is certainly some truth to your comments but look at Mary Magdalene, she is perhaps the most critical character mentioned in the Bible, everyone wanted to stone her when she was caught, but our Lord said, `Let the one among you without sin cast the first stone....... the rest of her story is history yet she accompanied Jesus on his last journey to Jerusalem, she was a witness to the Crucifixion at the time where all disciples were gone except for John. Mary Magdalene bathed Jesus’s feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. It should come as no surprise to anyone that Jesus appeared to Mary Magdalene first after rising from the dead. Jesus did this because he wanted to show the world that people can change, repent and follow him, and then have abundant life. In contrast, Judas who was a disciple, followed Jesus for three years, presumably thought of himself as a believer but later betrayed him and facilitated his execution and ended up committing suiccide and was replaced by another disciple.

    This is a hypothetical question, if you were married to Mary Magdalene now, would you divorce her because she got caught or would you join her during the journey of Crucifixion. Would you accept her repentance and be a witness to the Resurrection or just say she is a sinner and I have to divorce her.  If someone is not fit to forgive and forget, he/she is not fit to have the glory Mary Magdalene had. [i]

    May be your husband or your wife is "Mary Magdalene" and he/she didn't have an affair but you are not happy, do you give up or fight for the marraige to work?

    One versus comes to mind, “The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, Let there be light, and there was light” Genesis 1:2-3 when a couple goes through dark time in their life, they should listen to this voice “let there be light”
  • good thoughts, clay, theophilus 1 and flexmd.
    may God help us all in all our relationships.
    btw, theophilus 1, you have a lovely picture, is that abouna antonius the eritrean patriarch? do u know any news about how he is? i like 2 pray 4 the eritrean church but i don't have much news.
  • plagiarised from the church fathers quotes page:
    by joseph gabriel:
    Solution for Lusts

    St. Arsenius the Great
    A brother questioned Abba Arsenius to hear a word of him and the old man said to him, 'Strive with all your might to bring your interior activity into accord with God, and you will overcome exterior passions.'

    http://www.mystjohn.org/books/Sayings_of_Desert_Fathers.pdf
  • and by lostsinner:
    Do not give your heart to that which does not satisfy your heart.

    + Abba Poemen +
  • One of the Fathers teaches that the prayer our Lord taught us shows us how we may receive forgiveness ourselves...

    'forgive us as we forgive others'

    and he shows us that God has willingly placed into our own hands the means and measure by which he will offer us forgiveness - it is in accord with our own forgiveness of others.

    It may well be that a couple in which one partner has committed actual adultery cannot live together for a while, or must even separate, but we are always called to forgive, for our own sakes as much as the sake of the other. Of course forgiveness does not mean that what has happened does not matter, or that circumstances might not have to change. But I think it is always good to remember that even if we have not committed actual adultery we may well have committed it in our heart, which is just as sinful, though less directly damaging to others.

    In Christ

    Peter
  • dEAR dEAR what a mess! with all commen sence we all know that what she did is unfaithfullness and sinfull. let us go back to the sinful woman who washed The Lord feeet with her tears; in repentace ofcourse she was forgiven and honored today in the light of the scriptures. I am a terrible sinner myself and I know how sweet it is to attain fogivness through grace; therefor, what your doing by taking her to see abouna and hopfuly the purpose is to confess and get spirtual help, is 100% godly. Her part in this matter should be to confess to her husband again willingly, stop and I mean obsolutly stop "the adultry" she is committing and not to under mind it by calling an affair, call it what it is ADULTRY grieavious sin, lastly, if her husband will forgive her and take her back, let her make it up to him and remain faithful always. If she does not stop with her folly she is heading for dissaster and her altimet destiny will be Hell. She must also do pennance as a token of repentance and pray that God will forgive this grievious sin, and to bless their marrage. As for you Pray for them, and whatch that you do not get tangled in this sin or God will judge you aswell. Pray for me
  • [quote author=mabsoota link=topic=7496.msg99349#msg99349 date=1232099102]
    btw, theophilus 1, you have a lovely picture, is that abouna antonius the eritrean patriarch? do u know any news about how he is? i like 2 pray 4 the eritrean church but i don't have much news.


    You are right Mabsoota, the picture is that of Abouna Antonius I patriarch of Eritrea. He has been under house arrest in unknown location since 2006. Thank you for your concern and let us all "Remember those who are in prison, as if you were their fellow prisoner. Remember those who are suffering as if you were suffering with them..."(Heb. 13:3).  Here is a website on which you can follow the current situation on Christians in Eritrea:
    www.InChainsForChrist.org
    (Voice of the Persecuted Church in Eritrea)
    Yours in Christ
    Theophilus
  • thank u so much theophilus, i have been looking for this for months, since i met eritrean refugees at our coptic church.
    the website supports all Christians in eritrea, which i think is v important. if we don't stand up for each other, who can we expect to stand up for us?
    i am going to start a new topic about eritrea so that more people will pray and more will speak up.
    may God bless u in all your work
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