Hi everyone. So lately, I have been distraught because I've been discovering new things about myself daily. For example, I've recently discovered just how horrible of a person I really am. Within the last few weeks, I have been told that I'm a really mean person, that I'm arrogant, I've also been ignoring people a lot and have become unresponsive. I've hit an all time spiritual low to a point where I just don't care about anything. The thing that really bothers me is that I put up this front that I want to help people or that I'm helpful and nice but I feel like it's completely fake. I'm also psychotic and I cry almost every day.
I've gotten rejected a couple times recently on the basis of my size and height (super small and short), these guys made some really hurtful sexual remarks about it too. More recently, I have been told repeatedly that I look like I'm 12...I'm 23... To many people, it's petty and I've been told to "get over it"...truth is, those people are already in a relationship so they don't know how incredibly lonely it is and they're not as small/short as I am, so they don't know how much it hurts. It's really starting to get to me and it's making me feel even worse about myself.
In addition to discovering awful things about myself, I have been discovering things about people I really care about that have been disappointing to me. On that note, I feel like part of the reason I'm becoming a horrible person is because I feel like I try to do a lot for people and I always try to think of others' needs but no one even has a thought about me. For example, a friend of mine needed to go to the hospital and I stayed with that person all night until they were treated and discharged from there. Then I had to go to the hospital a few times and get a few tests done at the doctor's and no one went with me.
Sometimes I feel arrogant and petty that I want someone to care about me enough to even know that I exist or that I have needs...sometimes I just feel like I'm not fit to live...like everything I do in my life has no purpose or is completely useless. I've been feeling really empty. I always think about the choice between living and dying and I almost always choose dying on a daily basis, my desire to die is stronger than my will to live...I guess I just don't have the guts to finish it off tho.
I'm not really sure why I'm telling you all this. I guess my shrink hasn't been available for the last few months and I've been completely and thoroughly ignored so I needed to vent...pray for me please :'(