I have a problem, and I wonder if anyone ever feels the same, and if so, how can I go about stopping this behavior.. This is hard to say because I think I have been in denial, but I think I suffer from jealousy. badly. This has happened before, but I have never admitted it was a problem, but I think it's time...for the past few days, I have been wallowing in self pity and loathing, sitting at home feeling secretly unhappy, possibly even betrayed, all because I feel that a good friend of mine has been "doing fun things" without me, or spending time with other friends.
Keep in mind, I am far too old and far to busy to be acting like this; I have plenty of friends, and I often spend time with many of them, and I know that I am really beyond blessed, and I have so much I don't deserve, yet I can't help but feel bitter and annoyed when I feel "left out" or that people around me are moving forward....without me. ...Typing it out makes me feel so much worse because I know how petty this all is, and I know it shouldn't be an issue, and I really wish I could stop being like this. My friends are all always happy when good things happen to me, and never get upset, or even notice, if I spend time with other people, but I, on the other hand, literally spin into days of misery and confinement over one or two events. I isolate myself, become fiercely competitive over things that matter not a single bit, and find myself just bitter towards whoever it is (to the point that I begin to scrutinize and become annoyed with anything and everything they do.. things that I would normally even find amusing just bother me), which just pushes me further into my negative thoughts and feelings. I don't know why I do this, I don't think i'm insecure, or sad, and it's not like my life is tragic or anything, and trust me, from the bottom of my heart, I want all the best for my friends, and everyone I know, I pray for them daily, and I want them to be so happy and to have all that their hearts desire. So, I don't really know what's at the root of this..envy, i guess?
My particular friend is great and means a lot to me, and I hate myself when I get like this. AHHH. it's really driving me crazy; every time I decide to move on with my life and stop these thoughts, I find myself logging into social media to see what other things i've "missed out on", or even just dwelling on meaningless things and generally just feeling progressively worse with each passing moment. It's really a self destructive cycle. Not only do I fear that this brings negative feelings and thoughts into my life, but I also fear that one day, it can put a dent in a friendship if I am not careful with how I deal with it. Right now, I kind of just act passively about it, I stop actively contacting said person, and wait for them to reach out to me, and when they do, and I feel "loved" and "in" again, everything goes back to normal... until the next event....Everyone thinks i'm so sweet and caring and loving, and I generally am...except for when this happens. I would never dream of saying a word about it, and rightfully so; the solution is not to talk to said friend about it, because really said friend has done NOTHING wrong at all, I would just sound like a crazy person.
I'm not sure if I have expressed my problem adequately to you all, but if anyone knows of any practical steps I can take, or tools I can use in order to stop being a frenemy-like person, and to get rid of my angsty feelings, which I suppose are spurred by some sort of latent jealousy, please share.
Note: I have deleted my social media account with the hopes that "if i don't see/know, I can prevent these bad feelings," but that just leaves me alone with my thoughts, and makes it almost worse, and I think there's probably a deeper problem that needs to be tackled.