What do I do?

edited December 1969 in Personal Issues
What do you do if you feel like this:

When I lie down I think, ‘How long before I get up?’ The night drags on, and I toss and turn until dawn. My body is clothed with worms and scabs; my skin is broken and festering. My days are swifter than a weaver’s shuttle, and they come to an end without hope. Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath;  my eyes will never see happiness again. The eye that now sees me will see me no longer; you will look for me, but I will be no more. As a cloud vanishes and is gone, so one who goes down to the grave does not return. He will never come to his house again; his place will know him no more. Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep, that you put me under guard?
When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine. I despise my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone; my days have no meaning.
Now, I'm not covered in boils, but I am going through some really tough times spiritualy and emotionally. I feel extremely dejected. I often sit alone for hours doing absolutely nothing, and then I'll fall asleep for a coupe more hours. Needless to say, it has taken a strong toll on my studies, and on my relationships. I have no drive for anything. When I stand up to pray, I feel nauseous. When I sit down to study, I fall asleep within 10 minutes. I know this needs to be dealt with my FOC, but do any of you have any generic advice?

Thanks alot, and please pray for me!

ReturnOrthodoxy

Comments

  • There are many things in life so difficult to navigate, I find that the experience of Brother Lawrence is most helpful:

    [quote="Brother Lawrence First Conversation"]THE first time I saw Brother Lawrence was upon the 3rd of August, 1666. He told me that GOD had done him a singular favour, in his conversion at the age of eighteen.
    That in the winter, seeing a tree stripped of its leaves, and considering that within a little time, the leaves would be renewed, and after that the flowers and fruit appear, he received a high view of the Providence and Power of GOD, which has never since been effaced from his soul. That this view had perfectly set him loose from the world, and kindled in him such a love for GOD, that he could not tell whether it had increased in above forty years that he had lived since.
    That he had been footman to M. Fieubert, the treasurer, and that he was a great awkward fellow who broke everything.
    That he had desired to be received into a monastery, thinking that he would there be made to smart for his awkwardness and the faults he should commit, and so he should sacrifice to GOD his life, with its pleasures: but that GOD had disappointed him, he having met with nothing but satisfaction in that state.
    That we should establish ourselves in a sense of GOD’s Presence, by continually conversing with Him. That it was a shameful thing to quit His conversation, to think of trifles and fooleries.
    That we should feed and nourish our souls with high notions of GOD; which would yield us great joy in being devoted to Him.
    That we ought to quicken, i.e., to enliven, our faith. That it was lamentable we had so little; and that instead of taking faith for the rule of their conduct, men amused themselves with trivial devotions, which changed daily. That the way of Faith was the spirit of the Church, and that it was sufficient to bring us to a high degree of perfection.
    That we ought to give ourselves up to GOD, with regard both to things temporal and spiritual, and seek our satisfaction only in the fulfilling of His will, whether He lead us by suffering or by consolation, for all would be equal to a soul truly resigned. That there needed fidelity in those drynesses, or insensibilities and irksomenesses in prayer, by which GOD tries our love to Him; that then was the time for us to make good and effectual acts of resignation, whereof one alone would oftentimes very much promote our spiritual advancement.
    That as for the miseries and sins he heard of daily in the world, he was so far from wondering at them, that, on the contrary, he was surprised there were not more, considering the malice sinners were capable of: that for his part, he prayed for them; but knowing that GOD could remedy the mischiefs they did, when He pleased, he gave himself no further trouble.
    That to arrive at such resignation as GOD requires, we should watch attentively over all the passions which mingle as well in spiritual things as those of a grosser nature: that GOD would give light concerning those passions to those who truly desire to serve Him. That if this was my design, viz., sincerely to serve GOD, I might come to him (Bro. Lawrence) as often as I pleased, without any fear of being troublesome; but if not, that I ought no more to visit him.
  • I suppose the other things is the mind has a way of building invisible walls to block God out, it sounds like that's what is happening to you here.

    Its like a defence mechanism we have where rather than be in the presence of God and accept ourselves as perpetrators of behaviour which is inexcusable we build excuses which allow us to conceivably turn our eyes away from heaven and the result is we slowly atrophy while separated from His grace. What I find frustrating about it is that the mind tricks us while saying and thinking that we're turning back to God we're slowly assenting turning away from Him (often unknown to us).

    I think God sometimes does this to demonstrate to us how wicked we're capable of being when we're separated from His Grace, which at least in my experience is very. Its weird but think we're often to arrogant to admit a lot of what we're capable of when pushed... :)

    There can be a lot of reasons for this, in my own miserable experience, it happens to me because my repentance is too superficial and I'm not ready sacrifice enough of my will to God for healing.  Its also in no small part because we're too controlling with regards to repentance sometimes and we turn something which is supposed to be a integrated experience of the heart led by God's spirit  into a cognitive process which as deep as the mind (which isn't deep at all).

    Its the self deception of the mind in this process which is most difficult thing to overcome and the only real remedy I've found is throwing yourself at God's feet and literally asking Him to save us not just the world or the devil but from ourselves...

    I think the easiest way to prove if this is or isn't happening to you is you would find your conscience almost burns you out of God's presence and into the darkness - this is the start of the rot.
  • If so, maybe try praying something like the Jesus prayer, so you wont have to stand, and wont feel sick. Sorry if my response isnt that great, but all i do suggest is try not to stay bored for a long time...

    St. Augastine says:

    "A vacant mind is a factory for the devil"
  • [quote author=ReturnOrthodoxy link=topic=13073.msg153562#msg153562 date=1332547084]
    What do you do if you feel like this:


    When I lie down I think, ‘How long before I get up?’ The night drags on, and I toss and turn until dawn. My body is clothed with worms and scabs; my skin is broken and festering. My days are swifter than a weaver’s shuttle, and they come to an end without hope. Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath;  my eyes will never see happiness again. The eye that now sees me will see me no longer; you will look for me, but I will be no more. As a cloud vanishes and is gone, so one who goes down to the grave does not return. He will never come to his house again; his place will know him no more. Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep, that you put me under guard?
    When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine. I despise my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone; my days have no meaning.

    Now, I'm not covered in boils, but I am going through some really tough times spiritualy and emotionally. I feel extremely dejected. I often sit alone for hours doing absolutely nothing, and then I'll fall asleep for a coupe more hours. Needless to say, it has taken a strong toll on my studies, and on my relationships. I have no drive for anything. When I stand up to pray, I feel nauseous. When I sit down to study, I fall asleep within 10 minutes. I know this needs to be dealt with my FOC, but do any of you have any generic advice?

    Thanks alot, and please pray for me!

    ReturnOrthodoxy


    Take a cold shower. Go to a place where you can watch the sun rise/set, preferably by water, and contemplate on Zephaniah 3:17, Psalm 113:3, Isaiah 45:6, Jeremiah 29:11. Then attend tasbeha and pay attention to the words and pray them with all your heart. Go home eat a nice, simple, fasting, dinner. Have a nice good night sleep, then attend the Liturgy, take communion, and remember me in your prayers.
  • +
    "...that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us..." - 2 Cor. 1:8-10

    Have you vocalised your feelings to God? He understands you are feeling this way and sees you going through all this.
    Have you asked Him to take care of it and work in you? Come to Me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. - Matt. 11:28
    With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” - Matt. 19:26

    Simply pour out your heart like water in His Hands and watch Him work to renew your life. Keep persisting in the Agpeya prayers, no matter how you feel because the devil is aware of its shield in your life because it connects you with God.

    Whichever battles you face in life, whatever hardships, whatever sins, give them to God. He fights for you. He is your strength. When we think 'that's it, there's no hope, what's the point anymore'... Do you know what God is saying? "Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?" - Jer. 32:27
    My confession father said that God is like a treasure, we just don't know how to take from Him.
    He has so many open doors for you. Go and rest in His loving bosom. He'll take care of the other things.
  • these are some good suggestions.
    do these and remember how much God loves u.
    reach out to those who need yr help also, they may be feeling worse than u are.
    may God guide u and give u His peace.
    :)
  • I have passed by this post before, but I haven't worked up the heart to speak.

    I would like to thank each and every one of you personally for your advice. I feel better already just having a plan to implement them. I will take each suggestion honestly and to the letter. They seem amazing, and it seems that each of you have practiced them before giving them to me.

    I honestly want to thank you all personally, but I think a PM is better. Thank you all, and may God reward you.

    ReturnOrthodoxy
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