I normally do not ask for help for this personal issue, which is that I am always lacking motivation to excel in my studies. I do the bare minimum which is why I get average grades and I take longer to complete anything.
I feel like it is torture to study hard. When it is 10 pm at night I say what am I going to do with this few time and how will I sleep so I end up ignoring study and doing something else more fun.
I feel if I study hard I get no reward and why should I always be a slave? I want to be converting the world for God, and make this world a happy place to live in where I also get love and respect
The bible says he who excels in his work will not stand before unknown men
I can not describe what torture it is to study most of the day to just go to sleep and not be permitted to dream about anything but that I have more study to do tommorow and possibly more of the devil's wars and that when I work I also will have to think about work yet never being valued as a person as someone desired to be welcomed in their group with their activities
If I do two hours every night of study that will equal 12 hours of study in the week excluding sunday, which probably covers 2 subjects already. So if I get that kind of break also in uni it will all add up. I just do not want to be a slave
When I am studying I also get the urge to pray and read the bible
what is the reward for hard work?
I tell myself if I work hard God will see it and bless me for it by somehow bringing good things to pass, but what if He doesn't? what if He just wants me to go to church with most of my spare time and try to be the spiritual body guard or rather savior of all who go there even though I know all my efforts will probably not help bring any soul to God's kingdom, because people especially hate to be told what to do and Jesus is after people who have rock solid relationships with Him and wants disciples who will do His will even when noone is watching? and since I do not even have a balanced life myself to be able to help anyone?
I always think about how I am not good enough to most people I encounter for them to stop by and welcome me to grow through their activities
Sorry for bothering you with this post
Sorry to trouble you even more but I am getting the feeling that this post is from the devil because it causes people to pity me and think I am cool for not studying alot and still passing and other worse things which may be better not to be mentioned done by bad people
My main problem which I was going to forget to talk about and the reason for my post is why am I not happy to sacrifice myself for Christ or anyone else? why do I hate hard work? why does God want me to go through this suffering with no rest?
Because I find it hard to focus and feel like my life is being consumed when I am studying I run around my room and jump and punch myself like a little child