Somewhat of a Predicament ...

edited December 1969 in Personal Issues
A  close friend of mine is getting serious with his girlfriend, and is considering getting engaged and married.

Problem is he's not exactly the most 'honest' person out there, by this i mean he hides many things from her.  These things include sexual history, previous failed serious relationships/engagements, current relationships w/ other girls [not that he's cheating on her, but some of these 'other' girls were led to/still believe that they're might be something [marriage] in the future.]  In addition, he almost converted to another religion b/c of his then-girlfriend [its a long story, but he was basically doing it for 'beneficial' reasons not spiritual.]

His family knows about most of these things, but they're keeping quiet, so as to not ruin his chances of getting married to a 'good' Christian girl. 

Personally, i've known all these things b/c we are close, and i know its sad [b/c it contradicts Christianity] but i've never lectured him on these things, b/c i'm far off worse than he is, and it isn't appropriate for me to get on my high horse and confront him about it. However, i've never considered marriage, but now that he is... is it morally wrong for me to mind my own business and let things work themselves out b/w him and her?


  • The girl most definitely has a right to know everything. Encourage your friend to be honest with her if he's truly serious. It is also worthwhile to encourage both of them to take their time before/during engagement, being that the longer the time, the more things will manifest themselves. If your friend does not tell the girl even after you suggest he do so, I would talk to a priest (maybe one that knows both of you, or if not, your father of confession) and take his guidance.
  • definitely do that (above) before doing what i did, but you may then need to follow my example:
    i had a friend who was not a Christian who was dating someone else i knew but not well. she was from a conservative family (not Christian) and i knew their past experiences were very different. i was a bit worried the woman would end up hurt, so i first got to know her over several weeks, and then, when we were on the topic, asked her generally about what sort of things she looked for in a man. i was surprised to hear she did not think honesty etc was very important, so when i had another chance to comment, i just made a small comment like, 'everyone knows he's more experienced than you, do you think he is ready to settle down?' and she admitted that she had been worried about that but she was ready to take a chance as she loved him a lot.
    i wished her well and went on to comment on his good points (which were many) as i didn't want her to think i wanted them to split up, and they are now happily married.
    obviously it's a bit different if the couple are Christians, but if you do decide that it's right to say something, make it subtle and gentle.
    may God guide you.
  • Tell the girl's FOC, if you do not have the ability or the circumstance to tell her.  DIVORCE is a bad bad bad word.
  • If you cannot talk to your friend directly, then its much better to talk to his father of confession. Because, as you know, to get married the FOC has to write a letter that states that this person doesnt have anything to stop him from getting married. So if his FOC knows about these things and that the girl doesnt know, then he will definitely talk to him about it or else he wont give him that letter/certificate
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