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God sent vs. Devil sent?
here's my scenario:
I'm quite the sinner (and i'm not saying this to be humble) but i've sinned in just about every way possible. I'm currently in a state of non-spirituality/non-religiousness that i've been in for the past 3 years, I don't recall my last confession/communion. I don't fast the fasts, and if i do it's usually the last week of it, I dont regularly read the Holy Gospel, etc. But i do love our Church/Faith, and I love learning everything about it.
My prob: Since i could remember I've always wanted to be a monk (go figure)and during my high school years, i completely turned against that, and hated the concept, and yet after graduation, the idea popped back and started growing, growing to the point that i am seriously considering if not now, then after college.
My questions?
1) Are these thoughts/feelings towards monasticism, from the devil?
since i am not a 'practicing Christian' nor do i show effort on it, if they are how do i differentiate between them and Godly feelings.
2)Should a person consider this life, to find God? I mean i'm almost positive 99% of all monks entered the monastery for their love of God, and to explore him more. Not to start at point A.
Your comments, are welcomed and encouraged, and please don't hold back?
I'm quite the sinner (and i'm not saying this to be humble) but i've sinned in just about every way possible. I'm currently in a state of non-spirituality/non-religiousness that i've been in for the past 3 years, I don't recall my last confession/communion. I don't fast the fasts, and if i do it's usually the last week of it, I dont regularly read the Holy Gospel, etc. But i do love our Church/Faith, and I love learning everything about it.
My prob: Since i could remember I've always wanted to be a monk (go figure)and during my high school years, i completely turned against that, and hated the concept, and yet after graduation, the idea popped back and started growing, growing to the point that i am seriously considering if not now, then after college.
My questions?
1) Are these thoughts/feelings towards monasticism, from the devil?
since i am not a 'practicing Christian' nor do i show effort on it, if they are how do i differentiate between them and Godly feelings.
2)Should a person consider this life, to find God? I mean i'm almost positive 99% of all monks entered the monastery for their love of God, and to explore him more. Not to start at point A.
Your comments, are welcomed and encouraged, and please don't hold back?
Comments
also can you tell me who ordained saint Antony?! the answer is no one... there is no ordination to monks... as the pope said the "ordination" is just a small prayer, but not really an ordination! this is because the monasticism is actually a life style... as many of the fathers say, a monk before having a cell in the monastery should have his room in his house as his cell... and what you will do in your room, you will also do in your cell!
so should a person seek this lifestyle to seek God... sure! but seek God first... finish school... seek a job... work and live in the world... and if you can keep you cell in your house while seeking God, and you see that you want to give up everything as a sacrifice to God... then so be it... go and seek a cell in the monastery! these thoughts are neither from the devil nor from God... its from you!
probably in your childhood you liked monks... and liked to go to the monastery.... so that caused a "heroism" of the men in black! just like children will be attracted to a superhero and will try to be like them, so were you... and then time will pass by and children will grow and see that these superheros are not real! but for us we grow and still the heroes that are in black are still there... its something that is doable... so that's why we keep seeking it!
so you need to differentiate between are you Idealizing monks... or do you want to live that life for real?!
remember the black robe is just a vestment... anyone can buy it... if you want to be a monk, seek the life style, not the vestment!
akhadna el baraka... neshkor Allah!
it actually never ever crossed my mind that i might be the source of those ideas.
Once again thankss alot for your insight.
Since it is summer vaction now, go to a monastery alone without anyone for a whole week and join the monks in all their practices (as much as they allow you). See how it works for you, and then decide from there.