Honouring Abusive Parents

kransaalwyn

Hello all, 

I was wondering whether one needs to "honour" or "obey" their parents that could be physically, or emotionally abusive. Given its importance within scripture I wonder if exceptions could be made and, if not, how one would go about that doing it.

mabsoota

there is so much to write but to save a multitude of words i would say that we honour people by pointing out their virtues (good habits) to others.

if they hurt us, it is ok to tell them, this helps them grow spiritually.

we should not uncover other people's sins (gossip about them).

the Bible does not tell us to do everything our parents tell us to, but to generally submit to them and let them decide where the family lives, what school to send the children to etc.

we don't need to hurt ourselves or others to obey them, even when we are children.

but if they want something trivial and foolish, like telling us to drink our tea cold instead of heating it up, it may be good to do that to show that we are not stubborn.

that does not extend to agreeing to go without food or clothes because they are mean to us.

if we let them abuse us, this does not help their spiritual growth.

once we are adults (over 16), they don't have the position of telling us who to marry or what to do with our own money etc. but we should consider their opinions carefully and tell them politely the reasons for making a different choice. 

when there is a good relationship with parents (it sounds like this is not the case here), the parents sometimes know us better than we know ourselves and can warn us away from making a bad decision.

on the subject of abuse, it is sometimes necessary to move out of living with parents who are mean, even when we are children. it is usually good to get another person's opinion on this, ideally this person should be a wise and caring Christian who won't take sides and who aims to help everyone grow spiritually.

it is good to have a father of confession for these conversations (and for many other readons, the orthodox church has heaps of excellent traditions that help us in our lives).

may God give you peace and grace and help you in your situation.