Moving out

thealexandrianamer

I have experienced living independently a few times over university summer breaks for jobs. And I have noticed that when I live alone, I become very productive, I start taking church and my spiritual seriously, I meal prep, I am overall the best version of myself. When I live with my family, I get really lazy, eat out for every meal. I gain weight, i stop going to church, I start making bad relationship decisions...just everything goes down hill. I think its from the 1 million rules my parents put on me for my whole life. EVERY thing is criticized(22 year old girl here), my makeup, earrings, my clothes, much much I eat, how I walk, who I am allowed to talk to & how long I talk to them, everything is crituized 24/7. When I live at home, I do my best to avoid my parents. 

Now I have the means to live comfortably on my own. And I know my parents will say no, but my spiritual life is 100% better when I live independently. How do I go about telling them respectfully that I need to move out? Is there another way to deal with this issue?

senir

Hi there, 

I am not sure about how you can tell them because I don't know what your parents are like and the way they might react to particular ways but I am here to agree with you that sometimes living in your own space does allow one to have a more peaceful life. I have lived with my family for almost all of my life (24 year old girl here) and I had the opportunity to live abroad on an exchange program once when I was 19 and another time to live on my own for a year when I  was 21. I can honestly say that, even though my family and i have had a good relationship, my time away has taught me a lot about my faith and the way i should best practice it. I still have a long way to go but these times away have meant that I was attending church regularly and maturing spiritually. The second time i moved, i did so because I had a family member who was affected a lot by alcohol and that family member's ways after drinking was affecting the rest of us. My time away did remove me from the negative space I was in and the endless arguments and traumatizing scenes after my relative comes home drunk but being away from my family (I was 20-21 at the time) in a different state made me wish to be with my family even if it meant to come back and face these not so nice scenes and put up with arguments I should not have to every couple of days. I tell you this to say that if you are planning to be independent, try not to cut every tie with your family and maybe consider that those who hurt are often hurt themselves and might be trying to deal with their hurt but just do not know how. I am sure they love you deep down despite not knowing how to show it or let you be and grow. I know my relative who was drinking a lot and creating these scenes where he would criticism everyone and yell and verbally abuse us all was trying to find ways to deal with his own personal issues and he knows that and has changed know thanks to God. He tells us now that the fact that our parents stuck by him and did not kick him out is what has got him to where he is now while his friends are out in the streets still trying to find a way to deal with their problems. I understand that constant criticism is bad and that you do not deserve it, i just pray that you find a way to maybe talk and explain to your family why you need your own space and forgive them for their reaction if it is not what you wished for as well as try and maintain a relationship with them for your own sake and also because we are taught to do all things with love. The way I told my family was that I applied for further studies in the state where I moved to and told my dad that I am moving one because I was being affected by what was happening and two because I want to do further study elsewhere which i did want to do but I could not see myself easily do at home. As for my mother, I told her that I was moving because of what was happening at home and how it is affecting me and that she is welcome to visit me at any and all the time. I got them both to drive with me to the new state and showed them where I will be living so that they feel at peace and know that I am safe. They were not too supportive but they were not against my decision either. It might have been easier for me to tell them because I did not have any issues with them personally, but I find that telling the real reason made me feel good and able to move forward. 

Hope that helps and best of luck,

Remember me in your prayers as I will in mine.