I can't seem to get rid of masturbation and sexual thoughts forever....

Hi everyone,

I am a 20 year-old college student living in the US who's struggling with this disgusting sin. I want to be rid of it forever, and I cannot seem to say no to the temptation. I have been struggling with masturbation for months, but sexual thoughts for years, since early high school...

I plead with God everyday to forgive me, and I keep tending to go back again and again to this dirty thing. God has been with me through everything and I hate myself for going back, because it is not who I am. I am a deacon and a servant, yet I can't seem to throw this away.

Disgusting images and fantasies enter into my head, and I do the action almost every time I take a shower. I do not watch pornography, but its my fantasies that destroy me. I've confessed about it once to a priest who did not know me, and thought I was finally done with it forever. But I tried it once shortly after, and relapsed.

This is not who I am, but I can't throw it away. I try to take communion, with the hope that it will end it, but I keep going back.

I'm too scared to confess this to a priest, as its extremely embarrassing, especially as a deacon. I don't know what to do. I'm lost and I am disgusted with myself, I want to end this sin forever.

Thank you everyone. God bless you.+

Comments

  • edited November 25
    Brother, I will pray for you,

    I want to tell you there are so many reasons for hope. I too have been plagued with this addiction for 3-4 years, and by the grace of God, I defeated this habit, but I know I can fall into it again so I am always very strict with myself. To defeat this habit, I was and am following a daily rule, where I would pray the 2 full agpeya prayers everyday (even if I didn't feel like I was praying), reading the Bible (2 Chapters one NT and one OT), praying for others, praying with faith, praying with psalms, 7 Metanias daily (https://lacopts.org/story/prostrations-according-to-the-coptic-orthodox-church-rite/), praying the Jesus prayer (http://www.copticorthodoxanswers.org/orthodox-spirituality/what-is-the-jesus-prayer/) consistently (especially when fantasies come to mind) and abstaining from any possible sources of lust (social media, messaging, youtube, etc.). I read and read alot of spiritual books and watched a lot of sermons mostly by HH Pope Shenouda iii. I also confessed all my sins to the same priest very regularly, followed his advice word for word, toke communion at least once a week and participated in all services (vespers, tasbeha, etc.) and I still do this. After alot of struggle, I was able to stop this habit by God's grace. But I fell again, I thought I was above falling into sin again, I got into a relationship with a girl, and the fantasies came back and destroyed me. But God was merciful to me nonetheless, I confessed the next day and I followed my spiritual father/father of confession's advice and cut off the relationship with this girl. Later the same week I happened to hear about a summer trip to Saint Anthony's monastery in  Perth, Canada, and that there were servants needed, I believed and felt that this retreat to the monastery would be very beneficial to my situation. After spending one of the best weeks of my life praising God, speaking and confessing to the abbot (head monk) there and working in the monastery, I knew I had to go back asap. But I went back home, I started talking to this girl again and fell into this habit again... I was extremely discouraged and felt like betrayed God once again.

    Do not rejoice over me, my enemy;
    When I fall, I will arise;
    When I sit in darkness,
    The Lord will be a light to me.
    I will bear the indignation of the Lord,
    Because I have sinned against Him,
    Until He pleads my case
    And executes justice for me.
    He will bring me forth to the light;
    I will see His righteousness. -Micah 7:7-8


     
    But, by the Grace of God, I got back up prayed with faith in God's endless love and mercy. I was given the opportunity to go again and I stayed there for the majority of my summer break and I struggled very much but I learned a lot of lessons and met a lot of people who are a blessing to my life. Saint Moses the black and Saint Mary of Egypt are the patron saints for repentance, their intercessions are what truly brought me back to God but that's a whole other story. Please pray for me as well brother.

    Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ - Isaiah 41:10

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