Cheating wife!

What would you do if your wife is having a relationship with her coworker, and you are a deacon, There is nothing a hundred percent what the relationship is, but she lies about where she is going, and where she was to go out lunch and dinner sometime for coffee with him, 
my father of confession asked her and she denied it, 
what would a deacon do? a good advice from fathers is greatly appreciated!

In Christ


  • edited July 2018
    Speak to her. Ask her what she sees in the other guy. Allow her to be honest, and try your best to be calm and rational.

    My wife and I began our marriage on rocky ground too. It can be a challenge to keep a marriage vibrant and exciting.

    More than likely, this other man is easier to talk to, and is a welcome change from the petty and emotionally draining arguments that happen in a marriage.

    My best advice is to read Scripture together often, pray the Agpeya, and try to allow Christ to become the center of your marriage. As a fellow Deacon, my wife and I enjoy reading about God together, which is important to both of us.

    Many people in our church would claim this to be temptation or the Devil for her to spend time with another man.

    In some ways I agree with that. But, a practical and logical explanation would be that the other guy can joke with her, make her laugh, talk about different things, and is exciting to get to know.

    When you piece together all of the responsibilities of marriage it can tend to be draining. You have your mortgage/rent, bills, work/life balance, creating time to yourself yet not excluding each other. It is a difficult balancing act.

    Be upfront with her and tell her what she means to you. And try to incorporate some of those qualities she sees in the other guy in to yourself. Just a little more romance, surprises, flowers, chocolate, day trip, movie, dinner, etc.

    And most importantly, keep Christ in your heart for strength.

  • romanian joke:
    1st man; 'my wife is an angel!'
    2nd man; 'you are lucky, mine hasn't died yet...'
  • your response was much more helpful, though.

    on a more sensible note, marriage is just like monasticism (yes, really!) in that it is a great chance to learn to resist all the temptations of the enemy (to get angry, get even, show how much better you are than the other person, etc.)
    your main aim in marriage should be to get closer to God and to get stronger against the devil.
    building a good relationship with the person you are married to is easy when you master step one above (which is not easy!)
    also getting closer to God is the main aim of being single or of being a good flatmate, etc etc.

    james 4:7 says 'therefore submit to God. resist the devil and he will flee from you',
    submit means 'accept' and 'do what God asks'.

    so if you have a 'bad' wife, say 'ok God, you gave her to me'; or a bad boss say 'thank you  God for my job'; or unemployment 'show me God how best to use this time'; or a recently failed attempt at engagement 'thank you God for this time alone that I can use to enjoy your love and find out your will' etc etc.
    then God will show you how best to resist the devil, but spending lots of time in prayer, good deeds, going to confession (and then doing what your spiritual father recommends) taking Holy Communion etc etc. and so you won't even have time to give in to angry or sad thoughts and your renewed love and kindness will affect all those who are around you.

    remember it is not your spouse, your boss, your neighbour etc. who is the enemy. it is the devil who wants you to treat each other as enemies. 
    [a very wise priest once asked me to pray for a very bad boss i had. once i stopped seeing him as 'the enemy' and i saw him as just another human suffering because of the oppression of the devil, then i was no longer scared of him at work! his shocked face when he saw me wishing him a very good morning (with a big confident smile) was priceless!]
  • edited July 2018
    It is better to stay together but you are permitted to divorce and remarry only if you are not able to forgive but it does not mean God approves of divorce just permitted

    If you divorce it would be better if she didn’t remarry and some think or the church has taught I don’t know if always it could be forbidden because Jesus says he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery but I think maybe Jesus means if someone marries her before the person divorces her

    If you divorce her do not be offended if someone else marries her

    Because In another gospel Jesus says divorce in general seems not to be His will. Maybe he just didn’t explain more in that gospel. I said so because your mental health is priority but you should also consider hers
  • edited July 2018
    If you can delete my comment above and here it would be great. Our job should be to save people not condemn them. We should always show forgiveness and love up to 70x7.
    We don’t want to lose people because we can’t forgive. I certainly will love my wife fully and I especially should because of my many sins but her sins would grieve me not because it is against me but against God and so if she dies practicing sin she may not inherit the kingdom of God. If she continues practicing a sin knowingly it may be best to divorce to not support her but it would also be good not to remarry if that helps. But she is responsible for herself.
    You got to forgive but I meant if you are too hurt to accept them back into your life

    As for me if I don’t forgive after all the sins I committed and I don’t love I am nothing.
    We should not demand others are good to us or we don’t love them. It should be a gift. But still the persons sins are against God and unrepentant could lead to them not inheriting the kingdom. Without love and humility we are nothing

    The gospel is not a message of condemnation in that it gives us no right to judge others or think we are better than others but people must beware of God’s judgement
    we essentially become murders
    God wants all and worst sinners to be saved
  • edited July 2018

    You seem to be a young man. Before you can get married, you're going to have to learn a bit more about relationships, forgiveness and most importantly, context.

    As Christians we tend to use blanket statements to describe specific issues. In this regard, you are being far too aggressive and judgmental.
    95% of responses on this forum are paragraphs full of hollow statements from the Bible, Church Fathers or contemporary Fathers with no self-thought.

    It's as if people read Scripture, then just tell people that's the rules, follow them!
    You cannot tell someone to think that his, "Wife will die in sin..." or that, "She cannot remarry."
    Did Our Savior tell the Samaritan woman, "Sister, I can't talk to you. You are a whore!?" No. Don't judge. You will find peace when you begin to understand to treat everyone equally. Yes, there are people you will hate, people you will adore and people you will love.

    Putting fear of God's judgment into someone's heart during such a complex period will only increase the chance of a negative outcome. I am sure he knows all that is expected in marriage and in our church when it comes to such matters.
    You cannot be upset by other's sins, even your wife's.

    My wife and I have had even worse issues, with her sleeping with multiple men when we were married. Even my Abouna asked why we were still married. I told him, I am forgiving. Of course I am angry about it from time to time, but there is usually an underlying issue that causes a husband or wife to act in that manner. After understanding that in my situation,our marriage is stronger than ever and we have the blessing of a child on the way.

    If it comes to a point where they need to split, it is not of his concern to worry or judge the conduct of his ex wife. Pray for her. Let God do the judging, just as you said.
  • edited July 2018
    Thankyou for your care and guidance. Please pray for me. I should not have got involved in the matter. I know I mean not to be judgemental I know God is not judgemental but I thought if I err people should correct it and not hold a grudge but that does not justify making an error and being cruel even if unintentionally I was foolish I thought if I err people should correct it to have the full truth to save souls and so all people can know Gods judgement is blameless because I thought people should show mercy to me just as I intend to show mercy to them. Because it seems some people are ignored and even condemned and then expected to be merciful.That does not justify doing damage. Also that is holding a grudge for many are kind to me now but I still feel I have become lost but I am not sure which is the correct way back.
    I ask forgiveness. I feel condemned.
  • edited July 2018
    Your heart is in the right place. That is what is most important. Your conversations and comments on here have been a guide for me as I grow spiritually.

    I too apologize if I was harsh. We all have faults, and you are always free to speak openly about how you feel to me at any time.

    Your Brother in a Christ.
  • edited July 2018

    Thankyou my dear brother in Christ. I appreciate your kindness. I am flattered but I know I am mostly a fool but God gives wisdom to those who ask atleast for some mercy but your words are a kindness that means a lot to me.

    You were not harsh I needed correction you could have been more harsh which I deserve.
    I am in need of your wisdom of many years.
  • You may have to trust her.
    I am wondering the reason for your doubt that she is being dishonest in a relationship with a workmate.
    Sometimes when we make an accusation that is come from suspicion the fear alone is the cause for them defending themselves and not telling the whole truth.
    What is the truth? You have to have the unity meaning going through differcult times (Of which the church helps you), together that you have, without jugdement, a very good understanding of each other.
    May God's grace keep you together.
  • And another thing which a Catholic priest told me concerning my mother- give her plenty of hugs. Best advice and one I'll never forget. It's a case of a little goes a long way.
  • Joshuaa,
    It is not that I don't trust her, but it was real that people saw her so many times, and I physical saw her to prove if the people were wrong or right, and when I saw her at the restaurant with this man, I knew she was lying about her work schedule, she was just want to spend the time with, but I can forgive that is not the problem, now she is going rogue (rebellious) ,she is wild when it comes taking, respecting , or even she does not have shame infront of others, plus it is easy for her to speak with others than with me. To be honest, my heart is still hard, what she did, and she is now willing to admit , the problem started a while back involving her mom, so she don't want to choice marriage or her mom, she is trying to please her mom and her brothers, what she believe is she can do what ever she wants, and is this healthy to live with person, or divorce her?
    my father of confession don't even give me a chance to mention divorce, he says there is forgiveness for everything?
    what do you think

  • My first thoughts was your father of confession and I sought of take it for granted that is where most people have been. I sort of give an opinion/advice. I was bought up to use like a think tank where everyone around the table gives their thoughts to come up with the best solution so forgive me if I'm weak at the time I give it. Sometimes I look back and think I should keep quiet as I used to be.
    But to your problem. Yes it does look she has not been fair with you. I know that forgiveness is our main strength and it has to run its course no matter how painful it may seem and the pain is on you because you may question your own rights and you may be asking yourself or feeling regret, loss, hurt and other things. But the thing is you can't force things, people have to choose their correct behavior. I'm thinking of Hillary Clinton when I right this, as she staying strong even though her husband cheated and lied for all the world to see. The amount of forgiveness she showed was amazing. It comes from love. For our love the church love it is from God but with all strong people you see they never let it go. They hold onto it no matter what the weakness of others is. This love is tested all the time and they never let go of it.
    Monks out in the desert never let go of their love for God although tested many many times.
    I am sorry you are caught up in this and I see it as an arguement between your wife and her mother of which you are the victim and I don't like to use the word victIm because it implies helplessness we which I dot believe you are.
    My advice is to carry been a good husband for now and I will try to find some things to do with marriage because at the end of the day the force that's been used in the arguement between mothe and daughter will cease and I pray you are the one that's there waiting with all your strength never gIving in. Fathers or husbands do have to be like the Father in the prodigal son giving away riches that the riches been given away leaves them with hope/faith of a return no matter how long it takes.
    I'd like to pray for you.
    Our Lord Jesus Christ give Ezkiel strength to endure the shortcomings of his wife, and that as she spends time with someone else it is using her inheritance unwisely. Lord God look after my brothers soul keep him in peace until the time comes where he may receive what is rightfully his.
    God bless you ezkiel.
  • Just thought of something. Can you try to heal the rift between mother and daughter? Try to find out maybe from our mother inlaw what the problem emotionally is between them. If you can fix that, it will go a long way to fixing your problem.
  • The reason I am writing back and forth is, not because I am trying to argue or not accepting the advice, only because I love my orthodox fathers, brothers, sisters and mothers to give me advice, because I am weak , I need to learn from others, but my questions is what about she is being rebellious? is this danger? kind of dealing with the prophet Hosea's wife? that is the my main concern!
  • Ok I'll think about what you have just said, but another thing occurred to me is and I still see it as a problem of mother and daughter is can they go together to your father of confession? Just them.
  • You see the daughter cannot accept the mothers wishes and the guy she is with represents that. So if abouna can reconcile mother and daughter to accept a reconciliation then your wife's rebellion may subsist, or become less.
  • Your wife confessed to you she had a problem with her mother before, that is the reason both of them have to see abouna. They have to reconcIle their problem that peace may come of it before you can have your peace.
  • Hosea loved his wife Gomer. It is a powerful story about God's love for Israel and Christ for His church.
    Hosea did what God commanded and married a harlot. This also represents Israel at that time as well.
    Hosea went and bought Gomer back from slavery because she had fallen so low and he loved and she needed to be saved.
    But Ezkiel, what can you say of this? Your wife is also in a fallen state.

    My thoughts are with the marriage itself.
    During the ceremony it was read out a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
    Your has not completely left her mother as there are issues. When we say father and mother we are authority. If you do what the Mother does in expecting your wife to conform, then she won't find comfort from you also. Not to judge her. The reason for pleasing is some people find it very differcult to say no. It's a fear. Something which abouna can talk about as well.
    Search for the good things from your wife and praise it is worth alot.
    Hosea abided with his wife because he loved her. Be Hosea when she is Gomer.
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