Recently married and now problems and doubt

edited October 2017 in Personal Issues
Hi everyone, I am writing this to get a christian point of view. First of all, I am not Egyptian nor am I coptic but I am Syrian and an orthodox christian but I have become a born again christian.

About one year ago, I met my now current husband from the church I attend. His family attends an orthodox church for years now but their roots are iraqi chaldean/assyrian catholics but they have become born again christians. I met with my now husband I saw that he had a relationship with God and lives for God he doesn't care about orthodox or catholic. All I wanted was a person that really lives for God so denomination wasn't a priority to me since they don't even mind going to an orthodox church. We agreed to marry in an orthodox church and we did and this was recently. 

Now, I thought that they don't care about denominations they knew I was Orthodox. Him and his parents said to me any future children you have will be baptised in the chaldean catholic church. Why? They want that because of their heritage like how there are kurds, coptics, assyrians etc. That said, we will still attend the orthodox church we go to and follow the orthodox church but they want the baptism about the other church. I had assumed that since we married in an orthodox church everything including baptism will be in that church. They tell me you shouldn't worry about these small things we are all christian only el taqous are different. I love our church, I was baptised in Syria one of the ancient orthodox churches in Damascus. One time they made a remark saying why do they baptise like that in your church they are drowning the child. I don't know how to feel about this.

My second problem is I am doubting everything now. I don't know if its because of the cultural differences because I was not aware of any of this until I married and lived with him. He and his parents wanted the engagement period to be short as possible. I didn't think it was a problem because he was born and lived in a western state. We are more open than them what we see as okay they think as wrong. I speak arabic he doesn't he just speaks chaldean. For example, before we got engaged I attended my cousins birthday party at home with family, and there was a photo of me posted on facebook my a family member with my male cousin just having his arm around me. This male cousin to me is like my brother we were raised together since we were babies so we didn't see anything wrong with that. Anyways, my now husband's family saw that photo and showed it to their son. He got so angry and mad that my parents and I went to his parents house he said he found it disrespectful and should watch what I am doing, though I was doing nothing wrong. He said, if his family saw his fiance like that what will they think? To me and my parents who are strict thought this was so ridiculous because we didn't see anything wrong with that. But because he didn't like that I let it blow over and thought okay I will be careful next time. This was after we got engaged this incident would have broke the engagment, but I didn't want to, and I had already fell in love with this person, so I didn't feel I should break the engagement over something like that.

Before we were engaged we spoke about these things that he won't restrain me from seeing my parents and my family he said I won't as long as it is reasonable. Well, now I believe he dislikes my cousins family because his family is not like our family. His family and himself don't like social gatherings like to be alone. My now husband is the head of the house and though I am not wanting to take over him I feel like he is authorative and whatever he says goes, what's worse is his parents back him because they are also like that. A few days ago I agreed with my friend from the coptic church Ill come to church see her and we will meet up. The meet up was disorganised because also my sisters and my cousin wanted to come to. I told my husband the night before that I will be going to church and seeing my friend. He misunderstood me, church finished my friend had something and won't be available until a few hours, so I went to my parents in the meantime so I can take my sisters too. I texted my husband and told him where I am he said that I am playing behind his back and I was to come back home immediately. I am so sensitive so I just got out of parents house though I just arrived and left. My mom called me on my drive back about the problem I semi told her it,  the problem exploded because like myself we didn't see anything wrong with what I did. When his parents knew they think I am the one at fault, that I should tell him every detail I am in. They are met3asbeen, I have a feeling they just want me to get pregnant to just stay at home. My whole family went crazy over that incident, my mom even wanted me to divorce because he acts like that she is so worried that my marriage will be like hers. I have to take his permission to go anywhere and it has to be 'reasonable' but thats how he defines it, everytime we go to family he makes a fuss about it. I understand he works all throughout the week but honestly if I had married a guy from my same culture I wouldn't have to deal with all this hamaj. After getting married I have grown to detest their culture, country and language. I always hated anything with khalej, in the beginning they would change their arabic accent to ours so it wouldn't be so harsh but now its like everything they tried to conceal is finally open. I feel like I was deceived. 

Even with the way he handles money its like he treats me like a child. He gives me a weekly allowance. If I have $10 left from something he would ask for it, its not about the money but about the feeling with the way he deals with it. Why? because his parents are like that too even if they had so much money his dad gives his mom only grocery shopping money and as much as she saves from that shopping she can keep it to herself like 10$. And my now husband says infront of them 'you're so lucky'. These things infuriate me. Bas el ha2 3leye. I, because of my kindness, humility and humbleness have been taken advantage of by them. 

I don't deserve this, I always asked God to send me someone from him, and this happened so quickly. 

Ana ma5no2a ma ba3ref shu 3mel. Am I overthinking this, is this normal? I have reached to the point I have made the biggest mistake of my life and there is no getting out of it and its only been 2 months in the marriage. These problems make me scared about if I was to continue, but we also agreed that there is no divorce option and I don't want that either. 

Ana 3njad te3bet, 3m khali kel shi b albi w ma 3m e2dar 2oul la hada la eno ma baddi meshakel aktar men hek.


  • @Dinami,

    God be with you through this. I cannot imagine understanding. I pray you can find comfort in the guidance of your father of confession.

    Remember however, that you are your husband's salvation and he will be your salvation. The way to achieve this salvation is through your victorious struggles. Some (much) more difficult than others. I pray that you come out victorious, benefiting yourself, your husband and your families. Seek your father of confession's guidance. May God strengthen you.
  • edited October 2017
    I was thinking the same thoughts as ShareTheLord though I know your situation is difficult but it does not justify giving up. It is good you listened to advise and married a christian but unfortunate it was a hardcore personality as him. Maybe he has trust issues because you thought to marry a muslim that will fade away with time as you love him and support him. Anyway such personalities are a cross to bear. You may not have known better he married you knowing that. He thinks you may still have such feelings as though it is an aspect of your personality. I am not saying he is at all justified he may have many sinful behaviours but you should not give up.

  • It's not really of my past I disclosed my past to him prior to engagement and he disclosed his past to me he did things too, he did not care nor judge me. I am not going to give up and I also don't believe in divorce. But the culture shock is really getting to me things that only now I am noticing, even though our parents are from the Middle East I just happen to be from balad el sham and his parents from the other side. 

    The thing that is bothering me now is I don't know what to about their catholic denomination, at first they showed us they did not care but now they want their son to have our children baptised in their chaldean church. If they wanted this then why then marry a girl from the orthodox church or even consider attending an orthodox church for years. 

    My parents were strict on me but they always let me go wherever I wanted (not like I went anywhere except to church and bible studies at night) but now even to bible study, friends, parents, church I can't attend without a yes or no permission from him. Before I got married I used to attend a coptic church from time to time and have friends there, and my father of confession is of that church. I feel like I need to go there from time to time at least, but I feel like he doesn't understand he and his family tell me don't focus on 'catholic, orthodox etc, focus on the bible'. I don't even know I feel like im choking I am not doing anything wrong, I just want to go to my parents or family without feeling worried that I am going to get in trouble. I asked him if I could go to bible study and confession he said no. I know I live further away from that church now (40 mins) and they are at night, but sometimes I need to see abouna. I feel restrained from doing the things that I could easily do. I need to try change him to be open but its going to be a struggle, he has taken so much from his parents old ways its going to be difficult. 
  • edited October 2017
    You need to seek advise from your father of confession and others with such experience.
    Eventually he has to let you be devoted to your church if that is what you feel called to do. If he gives up on the marriage because of that he gave up on you. You have to give him time to reconcile and you can marry not again atleast ideally if there might be a chance he would benefit from your sacrifice. Jesus said he who leaves his father or mother for the sake of the kingdom will be repenting for eternal life. It would be your fault for marrying if you said such differences don't matter but God accepts your repentance. Maybe your father of confession will give other good advice temporarily if he married you not telling you such differences are important and he allowed it but if you discover the differences do matter you have to follow God. I believe the differences do matter. Your children need to be baptised in orthodox church also atleast.
    That is my opinion but others also may know more or better
  • My prayers for you Dinami.

    May God grant you peace.

    After reading your post my first thoughts were drawn to identity and who you are.
    God, the one who calls Himself I Am, is one who is established in His identity. Unlike us whom grow finding out who we are. If you find yourself good and there is no intention of harm in you , then do your best to stay who you are in Christ and not move, especially if it because of fear.
    Yes your husband is the head of the family as Christ is head of the church.
    But as Christ is taking the church on a path of salvation, your husband is taking you on a journey as well. You are his supporter and you have to ask yourself a couple of questions. What journey is he taking you on? And what are you supporting?
    When you got married there would of been read in the ceremony about leaving your father's and mothers and to basicly lead your own lifes.
    There seems to be alot of interference by his parents and a lot of judging all of which sounds as though there is fear created.
    I myself married a different culture wow I think I saw the worst of my spouse and it has effectedb me greatly.
    But you must know that all tribulations are part of defining us, our strengths and weaknesses and who we are in Christ, that we use His wisdom to be the best we can be and a return to being good in the sight of the Lord.
    People judge and they do it to protect themselves. Either their reputation, self-esteem or dignity. Christ has set us free from this judgement of others that when we make those mistakes in life we are able to correct them in repentance.
    Find the passage in the bible that says where you have left your parents and point it out to your husband that you have gained freedom from the parents and that you need to go on your own journey together with him without their interference.
    Genesis 2 : 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
    I find the biggest fear is coming from perfection or seeking to be perfect. The fear of not being perfect is jealousy. Which means possessiveness, suspicion competition and a very sharp eye for detail. For us it is a sin because we are not perfect. Perfection is something that is at the end so practice makes perfect. So by our mistakes God is moulding us.
    He moulded Adam out clay.
    We are moulded to gold that we achieve virtues by which we have purity.
    This is strength and it is what you need from God.

    Good relationships are ones that people are able to see a compremise and end with an agreement. When one side becomes defensive it is hard to deal with the situation and it doesn't move forward. Your journey needs to move forward positively and trust needs to be developed. Communicate to your spouse what you are doing that it is very clear what you are doing. If you're going to your cousins, say that and why. Take the fear out of it for him. If that's hard ask your cousin to come to your place. Probably better because those who have fear control as well and having your cousin come over is something he can't control and he will see your relationship isn't something to be worried about.
    God has given us social skills and if you aren't able to visit others or be with others without judgment, have them come to you.

    Women have great social skills so use but go slowly at first, have someone visit you, then again in a couple of weeks, then more frequently. Fighting fear is hard going but you are not to be isolated.
  • Thank you everyone for your advice, I will be speaking to my father of confession even if its over the phone. Even before I got engaged I saw him first and asked for advice before I decided to engage. Even when problems arose between us I sought his advice too because I knew that I needed spiritual advice instead of listening to my parents.

    I just want to clarify we married in the orthodox church and in the eastern way, and the orthodox church we got married in is the one we will always attend even when we have children. We are not going to attend their church nor are we going to follow their church. I told him we are going to follow the orthodox church and its calendar and fastings. He did not object to this nor does he mind as he has been attending the church we go to for some time now anyway. I am more than him or his family observe fasting periods and follow all these church observances. They don't even follow their church things nor does he know anything about catholicism, he just happened to be born in a family that is chaldean catholic. He doesn't even care about denominations hence him marrying me and attending the church I go to. But once every 6 months his parents want him to attend the chaldean church as its 'their roots'. My issue is future wise, he wants children to be baptised in the chaldean church more for heritage reasons than denomination reasons. He knows I am bothered by this but he won't change his mind, my parents would be against this. But all I have is prayer for him to change his mind and tell him about the way and symbolism of our baptism.

    Also, he doesn't let his parents decide he makes the decisions with me but from time to time they would tell him what is expected because of their culture and he has taken alot from his parents. They have the same mindset.

  • I want to tell you all something but it's kind of hard to explain. I believe this marriage was meant to be from the very start, to the leadup and to the wedding there was so much spiritual intervention and signs from God. Everything happened so quickly and easily even when we had assumed everything would fail because of complications from one side. But God gave them signs before we even met, and right after we met all these signs came to happen in person. So I wont give up, if this is the will of God I will keep trying. There is a reason he put me with him in the first place, and as long as he strives to live for God and build on family on God I am happy. If God who came to someone undeserving asme and let me hear is voice and see Him, I know in my heart He won't leave me because He is with me.
  • edited October 2017
    My sister baptised her children in both catholic and orthodox church.It was decided by her and my parents and his parents. The catholics did not mind that they were baptised again. It is up to the children to choose which baptism is valid for them. 
  • I don't know what to do now and deep down its annoying me. He has changed, he always told me he didn't care about denominations as long as we are Christian and read the same bible and have a relationship with God it should not matter. Well, yesterday I opened the topic again about getting assurance that we will still follow the orthodox calendar. He tells me what is the difference? I tell him that I still want to follow what I followed before we got married. He says will celebrate both now. He got mad at me and called me brainwashed because I want to follow the Orthodox way. He said I am the head of the house and I am still Catholic and we will baptize our children in the catholic church. I am so shocked that this is all new to me at first he told me he doesn't care, but now he does. From my anger I told him then why did you marry me knowing I am orthodox from an orthodox church. I told him im not telling you to abandon your denomination but at the same time you are disregarding what I follow too and that he has changed. He says that he is disappointed in me that I think like this and that our focus is to be on God not denominations. I just wanted to stick to what I followed nothing more nothing less. But I am so shocked at what he has said, its not like he or his family follow anything Catholic, yet he sticks to it and says I am catholic. I don't get it he doesn't follow anything Catholic so I don't know why he would mind us following the orthodox calendar and church. At first he said it's fine, now he says we do both. Not sure what to do. I know this is my fault, but who would have thought that us as Christians would still fight over these things.

    What do I do? I am so sad and worried :(

    And how do I delete old threads or edit posts because I feel like I posted alot of detailed Information.
  • maybe the denominations are being used as proxy arguments when the real differences are the usual marital stresses. may God guide u to be filled with love, submit to God and resist the devil. then the evil one will flee
  • edited October 2017
    If you agreed earlier you would raise them orthodox and you have power to make your children orthodox then do so if he leaves you he gave up on the marriage. Otherwise you have to stay in the marriage and go to church and if he don’t like that he has to tolerate it if he abuses or forces a separation that is his fault. His children can make choice who to follow but you can’t force them if he makes them so now as kids. If you didn’t say earlier you have to be orthodox you have to accept separation and not get divorce but if you agreed before to raise them orthodox and he abuses you can remarry perhaps if the church permits though not ideal. But even separation is maybe not acceptable if you did not agree they have to be orthodox. You have to accept them not as orthodox and stay with your husband. If God wants them to be orthodox it won’t be from your influence.
    It is still therefore a sin to enter any other relationship outside of your faith atleast when there are other good orthodox for you but God is forgiving. It is better not to get married at all then to wrong person
    It could be a sin to marry someone who did not choose the faith for themselves without any relationship as consideration and some think you should not marry outside of your people period if you can marry someone not as good as those outside the church but not bad either he may change and try to make the marriage work since it is probably a flaw in his nature and not willingly but it is a shame there were no good orthodox to begin with but you might or might not strengthen the community if you marry inside only. But even if not you have to obey God who has a reason to do things as they are maybe He wants to show mercy and He is looking for the future good of children and orthodoxy in general
  • @mikeforjesus

    I'm not looking to getting divorced or separated and neither is he. It would be foolish to get divorced over something so stupid as this. Our differences is a minor issue in this marriage where I care about my denomination more than he does, but he only sticks to his because of heritage reasons.

    If I ever have children in the future I want to raise them Christian on the narrow path not Orthodox or Catholic because in the end el Messi7 is not going to judge us because of denominations but whether we lived for Him and took up our crosses on this earth. With that said, my issue is in regards to baptism and other church events, because I still want to follow my church ways. Before we got married it was apparent to me that he did not care what church as long as we have a true living relationship with God, because he already goes to an Orthodox church, we got married in an orthodox church. So we did agree that our main church will be the one we got married in. It was probably my mistake in assuming that his lack of caring and being married in an orthodox church meant future children will be baptised in the orthodox church. My issue when posting this thread was I am not happy with them being baptised catholic but it seems like he won't change his mind because he only wants it for 'heritage' reasons, and now when Pascha comes we will celebrate both calendars. I figure that since I will be the mother I think I'll be able to dictate my faith and teach my children the orthodox way when it comes to fasting, praying, reading better than my husband as he is clueless about his 'Catholic heritage'. I think I'll just have to lead that example.

    I honestly feel so embarrassed that I posted this question, because deep down inside these issues would be shamed by God because they are just traditions and different ways, and that we should focus on Him and not what church to attend.

    I am just going to pray and leave this to God and He will solve it for me by the time I do have children. Let His will be done, I know he won't leave me now.

    Thanks again
  • edited October 2017
    You are probably right you should not separate or divorce ideally they will be orthodox but it is the fault for getting in such a relationship. You shouldn’t but I wouldn’t say it is not permissible in some circumstances
    Leaving the faith is a reason for divorce if the partner won’t live with you practising your faith but you don’t have to
  • I am very sorry you are going through this.

    You say he grew up in the west and is more open minded, how about couple's counselling? You need a non family mediator to help both of you improve your communication.

    The way he is acting has nothing to do with how you act. It is about how he feels. It may be the case that he had trust issues with a previous relationship, or that his parents have trust issues which they are transferrin get over to him.

    If he is more attached to his parents and more committed to them than to you, I am sorry but it will take a miracle for things to change. One thing I will say is please do not have children until you are certain about your situation with him. Children do not fix problems, they just become victims to their parents' choices.

    I do not know how long you have known each other before you got engaged, but it is possible the reason they were in a hurry pushing for a wedding is because there are family issues that you are just starting to the see the tip of the iceberg of.

    Does he have anger issues? This controlling behaviour may be vocalised at first, but it would be unsurprising if things unfortunately turn to physical violence.

    You need to speak to your abound as soon as possible and explain your situation. Just because a family is "religious", does not mean they have the Holy Spirit within them. God is not associated with the kind of behaviour they have shown you.

    There are of course two sides to every story. However, if he is extercising control over you with simple matters now such as going to church, seeing family and friends. Who knows how this may deteriorate later?

    But the top thing to do regardless of the current situation is pray. Ask for the intercession of saints and for God to intervene. Two months into the marriage is not even long enough for the honeymoon period to wear off. Most couples who marry for love start to come across obstacles within a year of marriage when the initial excitement wears off.

    Also, do you have a job? If not, it is time to do so. You should not let yourself be controlled by his money and you should have separate bank accounts (with a joint account if absolutely necessary for common expenditure)
  • I forgot you do not have children yet.
    He has not shown he cares for your freedom to be orthodox and raise your children orthodox. Do not stay with him unless he agrees then your children will know if you separate from him it is his fault.

    You won’t be able to raise your children coptic but they will still be Christian but as you know outside the church is maybe always a zig zag way to heaven you can fall off the straight way but maybe they will choose coptic in the future.

    Though I don’t believe divorce may be good ever i do not mean if someone try to lead you away from God like the person who won’t live with you if you won’t leave Christianity if he doesn’t agree to raise your children orthodox or even if you think he will not raise them orthodox you may continue but if he don’t let you be orthodox and take your kids to church you need to separate so your kids know the importance

    Is he worth not getting remarried over because can you live celibate is what you have to choose atleast you will still have kids.

    I thought remarriage may not be a sin but as it may affect the kids therefore it may be a sin.
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