Insecurity is all around me. Shame is all I feel. Guilt is in my veins. Emptiness is all there is in my heart and mind.
All I see, feel, hear, breathe is lack of hope.
I dont exhort effort in anything anymore because of it.
Because I know it wont lead to anything.
I dont have god
I dont have myself
I dont have anything
not a future
not a purpose
not a single thing
And this feeling is all I know
Every day I feel this feeling and try to ignore it, but it only consumes me and I feel like I want to scream and cry to god, but then I shut up knowing god wont hear because I dont believe. Dont believe that I could change. Nor that he will change me.
Day by day I waste time. I think of God everyday wondering, wishing if I could ever be close to him every again, and I know the sunday school answer: I can. Believe, leave everything and follow him, trust, obey, love him, pray relentlessly. But I am too weak to do any of these. I dont have the strength nor the will power to reach out to him
Negativity is all I see