anyway,that explains my question how do you find a wife if you don't the looks of willy monfret or tyson ballou?how do you ''convince''a woman to go on a date with you?Ive had two gfs in the past but they both pursued me for whatever reason,I guess they found me a warm friendly guy.do you ask a woman,hey you want to go on a date?doesnt that seem akward?how do you meet a Christian woman for marriage?
tbh I've been diagnosed with Body dysmorphic disorder because I think I rightly believe its very hard to find a woman to like you if you dont look like a GQ model or a rugby player.
I have asked God to kill me in my sleep for months now-so that I may die in a state of Grace and not continue to sin by watching porn and masturbating-,and everytime he doesn't answer my prayers.I feel the easiest thing is to die in my sleep in a state of repentive grace and atleast wake up in heaven.TBH life is just too hard to live this way and Id be willing to endure all this if I knew for certain I would die in a state of grace.that unsurety kills me.I think I can stay away from sin,try hard but mess up once and die in a sudden heart attack and I'd go to hell!How can I truly love someone I believe will send me to hell?and the sad thing is,is if I got castrated Id be the most saintly person around as this sexual sin is my literal only mortal sin I engage in.
TBH,I've been following Orthodox forums for over a year now and anytime I hear people talk about Christ's love or how they love the divine liturgy I just think of a angry God that will roast me if I make a mistake and dont beg for forgiveness before I die.
but I will be honest,on a positive note,ever since I became a Christian and especially orthodox christian my life improved by 100%.all my family has said so and my mother wants to convert to orthodoxy too because of the positive change it had on me.I want to love jesus and be a good christian but I feel I never can as long as I stay in this sexual sin of porn and masturbation,but I also believe I can never find a wife to legally invest my passions.