How do you guys find wives?need prayers to avoid sin and have relationship with Christ

edited August 16 in Personal Issues
I want a relationship with christ badly,but I feel that as long as I stay in  this sin that I cannot approach him because of the Fact one cannot engage in unrepentant mortal sin and be in a state of God's Grace.my sin is basically to be blunt and honest,pornography and masturbation.if I had a wife  I know 100% I wouldn't fall into these sins.but sadly I am in a isolated space and have no orthodox community so I wouldn't have any means to find a orthodox christian wife even if I looked like Willy monfret or  martin sensmeier and about 99% of hetero women would be receptive to me I'd still be a complete retard when it comes to finding a christian woman because I've been diagnosed with autism .

I mean Ive had 2(3 if you count long distance) Gfs before I converted to Christianity and I guess Im decent looking (Ive been told by a lady friend with a good eye that I look like a more masculine,whiter/mediterennean  version of this guy https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/15/ae/4c/15ae4c3a982a4553450a5ff55312c4ab.jpg) I mean its not repulsive but its no Gandy or Sean Opry either.and due to my BDD im too insecure about my looks to ever approach a woman.I had the social courage to do so to get my gfs a few yrs ago because I had the delusion back then that  I looked like Chad White. but I have no idea how one would approach a christian woman for marriage and Im honestely too scared to ever try due to my BDD.I just think I will get rejected for not being good enough. so Im likely to stay in this state of sin for a very long time.and Im moving to madagascar anyway far away from any oriental orthodox community.I am going to be baptized at a local armenian church because their law is you can marry any trinitarian,I will  of course recieve the sacrament in the church.

anyway,that explains my question how do you find a wife if you don't  the looks of willy monfret or tyson ballou?how do you ''convince''a woman to go on a date with you?Ive had two gfs in the past but they both pursued me for whatever reason,I guess they found me a warm friendly guy.do you ask a woman,hey you want to go on a date?doesnt that seem akward?how do you meet a Christian woman for marriage?

tbh I've been diagnosed with Body dysmorphic disorder because I think I rightly believe its very hard to find a woman to like you if you dont look like a GQ model or a rugby player.



I have asked God to kill me in my sleep for months now-so that I may die in a state of Grace and not continue to sin by watching porn and masturbating-,and everytime he doesn't answer my prayers.I feel the easiest thing is to die in my sleep in a state of repentive grace and atleast wake up in heaven.TBH life is just too hard to live this way and Id be willing to endure all this if I knew for certain I would die in a state of grace.that unsurety kills me.I think I can stay away from sin,try hard but mess up once and die in a sudden heart attack and I'd go to hell!How can I truly love someone I believe will send me to hell?and the sad thing is,is if I got castrated Id be the most saintly person around as this sexual sin is my literal only mortal sin I engage in.

TBH,I've been  following Orthodox forums for over a year now and anytime I hear people talk about Christ's love or how they love the divine liturgy I just think of a angry God that will roast me if I make a mistake and dont beg for forgiveness before I die.

but I will be honest,on a positive note,ever since I became a Christian and especially orthodox christian my life improved by 100%.all my family has said so and my mother wants to convert to orthodoxy too because of the positive change it had on me.I want to love jesus and be a good christian but I feel I never can as long as I stay in this sexual sin of porn and masturbation,but I also believe I can never find a wife to legally invest my passions.

Comments

  • edited August 16
    You're not alone in sexual sin. It has become very pervasive. The weakness in sexual sin is usually from a trigger and lack of diligence. The spiritual wisdom is to FLEE from sexual sin. You need to take this temptation one day at a time. For instance, if you are spending way too much time on the computer and you see something that is arousing, close the browser IMMEDIATELY, close the computer, get up, say a small prayer and do a metanoia.

    When a bad thought comes into you, do the sign of the Cross, pray the Jesus prayer, and occupy yourself with something more positive. Do some more chores in the house, get up and go in a public area and read a book.

    The first and last thing you should do in your day is pray. When you wake up, get in the habit of IMMEDIATELY getting out of your bed and pray. It does not have to be from the Agpeya. It can be a small prayer, like the Lord's Prayer and the Thanksgiving Prayer, and a Jesus prayer. If you are too tired before you go to sleep, do the Lord's Prayer, the Jesus Prayer, and a metanoia, and then go to sleep. Keep a small cross or a chotki rope in your hand. If you are unable to sleep right away, get up, pray some more, and then read a spiritual book or the Bible.

    At the end of the day, maybe like three hours before you sleep, examine your day, take notes. What did I do in the day? Was I able to avoid my sexual sin? Was I able to look the other way in work or in school today from something that could arouse me? Note your failures and your successes, and pray to Christ that you work harder each day with the aid of the grace of His Holy Spirit. Ask for the intercessions of the saints, your patron saint, and any saint in history who also went through sexual sins: St. Mary of Egypt, St. Moses the Black, St. Anthony the Great (yes even him), St. Augustine of Hippo, and the prophet and King St. David are some examples.

    Your ultimate goal is to shape the human being you see, no matter what they look like or what they wear, into an icon of Christ rather than an icon of objectification. And don't think too much about relationships now. One day God will find someone for you, but until then, concentrate on yourself, and you might find someone you'll like when you least expect it.
  • 1. We are we a fallen state which means WE ARE NOT PERFECT. So don't expect things to go perfectly. The images you see in your mind or the porn are perfect women and the situations are easy: perfect.
    If there is anything perfect it would be that you have a end goal maybe engineer or something and that you look for a wife as a supporter and that you encourage her by your warmth and friendly nature and as a Christian be forgiving and forgiveness and consistency are about trust.
    You need your Father of confession to help you through this as you need to quieten things down in your mind that it is not so anxious. Get the perfect things out and do the work to make them perfect.
    The true Christian does the works all the time by praying, reading the bible, following the commandments and trying to be virtuous by the wisdom of Christ Jesus and inspiration of the Holy Spirit.
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