Hi all. I pray that everyone reading this is well and may God bless you guys and be with you always.
My main problem is that I feel like I'm lost in this world. School as it turns out is very difficult for me. I work so hard, harder than most people in my class and I am still doing worse. This is professional school where I am learning my trade and it has me questioning if I am even doing the right thing. I thought this is what God wanted me to do, but I seem to not be making any progress and it leads to frustration and anger toward myself and others.
On top of that, I feel socially that I am not important. By that I mean sometimes I feel like if you took me out of a room or out of a social gathering everything would be unchanged. I feel like I don't have those close relationships that other people have and it always leaves me in a lonely or empty state. I have friends that I see and hang out with but no one I can talk to about important things.
I know that much of this is my fault. I have sinned. I have greatly sinned continually and am so afraid of going to Abouna to ask for repentance. I know that is the worst attitude to have, but he is human, and I am human. I am just so ashamed of myself in all aspects spiritually, socially, and in my educational life. I have disappointed everyone in every aspect and I keep trying to pray about it, but I keep telling myself that it is my fault and the only way out is if I change. I feel like I'm being punished and instead of reasoning anything out, I tend to believe it. I really think that is why I continue to struggle and not perform. It's so hard to come back from that and I'm not sure there is a way. I want to keep praying about but I feel like God won't hear me or listen to me because of what I've done. I feel like I've thrown my whole life away with this sin and not sure how to come back from that. Please pray for me and I apologize for the lengthy post. God bless you all.