This is a long story with many details and really I dont know where to start. Its just blabber for the most part but I need to be waken up, I need to stop the nonsense that has gotten into me but I dont know how.
I am very very tired of myself and I feel like no matter what I cannot come back to god. Ive lost complete control over myself and although I am not suicidal or never have been, I feel like there is no hope left for me. Because really theres not, and you would all agree if you heard what Ive done. No one on this earth can help me, not even a saint - because one has tried. I am a lost cause. And I dont know what to freakin do. Im losing my sanity. No one understands me and I dont freakin listen to advice given to me. So then why am I coming here if all that can be offered to me is advice? I dont know, but Im not doing anything to help myself, but thats because I feel like theres no hope. Theres no point. Everytime I want to get up and pray, I cant. I cant push myself to do it. And even if I finally give in to try, I cant continue. I cant go to church. I cant do anything in my life right. Everything is wrong. I was kicked out of university for no reason other than I am depressed. I cant even study. Even though it is easy. But I cant. And I always blamed it on my mom because she's never tried to understand me and never appreciated anything Ive ever done in my life, and always beat me harshly but its all just excuses. And Im not here for a psychological analysis. All I want is to get back close to God. The root of all of my problems is my sin that I cannot stop loving it for the life of me. I know if I get close to God all of my issues will be resolved.
One thing that is for certain though is that I believe in God and our coptic faith 100%. I have never doubted the existence of god because I have tasted what it was like to have a relationship with God. I knew what it was like to pray and to see God's replies in strange ways. I knew what it was like to want to give your life to him and live to only serve his name because of the great love for him, because he is an amazing God.
Got in contact with a old monk named Abouna Angelous El Antony, because my grandma has a connection to him. I didnt deserve to talk to him or his servant. They told me to stop what Im doing and I told them that I couldnt because I love it. And I cant stop it. They still had hope in me, but then a person can only help a person if they want to be helped and I want to be helped but I cant get myself to stop. Used to talk to him a few times a week for 6 months.
I feel like el sheytan has taken complete control over my mind. All I could think of is hopelessness and negativity. I used to cry alot because I was far away from God, and I tried to pray a lot and ask God to help me come back or give me desire even, and I just kept falling further and further in sin. To the point that I stopped praying all together because I felt like God didnt want to listen anymore because of my sin. And Ive gotten to grow cold and 100% indifferent to sin. Its been 5 years since I was close to God.
Now I cant come back.....Ive switched father of confessions twice, Ive talked to Abouna Angelos. Even at my uni I went to see a psychologist and she didnt understand because she doesnt get the religious side of it. She offered medication, but I dont want chemicals to fix me. I want God to fix me. But I know I can only come back to god through prayer but I cant!! I really cant
Now Im getting kicked out of my uni for the second time. And the problem is I dont even care. I dont care because I have no feelings or emotions anymore. But my poor parents....Im an only child, but Im a disgrace. And all of the lack of blessings in our family rn, I feel like its because of me
There is a huge wall between me and god and I cant find the energy to work through it. I know it takes hard work, but everytime I simply stand, I say its impossible. Because it is, because I love this sin Im doing....in fact Im happy. Why? Because I was never allowed to do crap growing up. I was not allowed to have friends even. And now that I found friends, even if its behind their back, even if its online, I am happy talking to them. They do not teach me anything wrong. They arent brainwashing me, they arent telling me what to do. All it is lighthearted, intellectual, simple, conversation ina group chat setting. We've known each other for 2 years and are trusting and honest with each other. We know each others last names, addresses, facebooks, snapchats. They are like a normal group of friends that Ive trusted after getting to know them for 2 years, and I dont want to leave them. Theyre the closest to normal Ive ever felt. A few of the girls are close to god, and Im thankful, but I hate how its behind my parents back, and its a sin, because I prefer talking to them over praying or church.
And I dont know what to do with myself....how to stop failing....how to stop being hopeless....how to stop hurting my family with my failure
I really need help
I am tired and I feel like no matter what I cant get back to my original nature.
Ive turned into this selfish, cold-hearted, impassive, emotionless, careless person....and I used to be opposite.