Getting engaged and dealing his sexual past ?

Hi everyone,

A few months ago, I met this guy from church and we ended up knowing each other. To make things short we liked each other and I found everything I wanted in a guy in him. Both our parents know, and its serious. Now, I have a few concerns, I've never been out with anyone or had any past relationships but had the experience to know what type of person I like and dislike. Is it bad that he may be the first and I already feel comfortable about it all? 

Secondly, since we were getting serious we talked about our past. I haven't done anything, but he confessed to me that he had sex once in the past and he says it was a mistake. I can see that he has changed and what made me attracted to him was the fact that his life is dedicated to God and that is what he cares about most. I was upset at first but it didn't bother me, because it was once and we all make mistakes. However, yesterday he tells me had sex with 4 different other girls, and obviously a few times with each girl. He said he didn't want to tell me in the beginning because he didn't know how I will react to one. Now, I don't even know what to feel, I understand it's the past and we all make mistakes, but I haven't had any sexual past and he being from the same culture and traditions makes me even more surprised he even did that. Now that he tells me it was 4 girls, I don't know what to do, I am starting to even doubt his feelings for me because of that even though he says he is sincere. I just feel like an easy target for him. Or am I overthinking this? If it was one it would have been understandable but four, it is bothering me. He told me don't let my past get in the way of our future and says that he did that because he was in a rough period in his life. Well, my life previously have been way worse than his and despite everything I did not go do something bad, then try to justify it by saying I was in a bad time.

I don't even know, I really like this person, but what should I do? :(


  • I'm not sure that what I'm about to say will help but if I was in your shoes I'd leave the guy just for being deceptive. I mean he's already lying (by omission) now, what will he do if you get married. You or somebody else may disagree with me but I'd suggest you leave him.
  • edited August 2016
    Dear Mariyam,

    I'm not sure the answer is that simple.  This requires lots of prayer and lots of honest talk, heart to heart.  I can't tell you to leave him or to stay.  In many ways, it might seem he wanted to slowly confess his past to you so that nothing is hidden.  Now that one is out of the way, he decided all of them, which are four (hopefully that's all).  But if he said four before in his previous confession to you, would you have forgiven him just as much as when he said one?

    I've been quite concerned in relationships what it means to confess to another person your own past.  In many ways, I think women have it harder than men in this case simply because of a old-school mindset of "proof" in the chamber.  I will not get into specifics, but let the reader read in between the lines on this one.  But this is food for thought, and the fact he confesses to you is a risk he was willing to take for your honor it seems, and I hope he had previously and continues to keep your honor.

    That's why you need prayer, patience (don't rush into decisions), and seeking guidance as well.  Do you know of other married couples who are servants in the Church that you can trust as spiritual guides?  Abouna is also another important spiritual guide of course, as he gets a perspective of everyone's faults.  Does your fiance-to-be also see a priest for guidance?  Have you talked to his priest as well?

    These are very important factors in your decision.  It's not simple being "in your shoes" to make such an easy decision.  I can sympathize with your struggle in this.

    God bless.

  • I was in the position of this man and it is weakness in which he did what he did. However, the commitment to each other has to recoqnised as one that you are going to be married one day and even though he confessed his sin, what he is saying is I was in trouble so I sinned. So the question for me and probably for you is how is he going to be if more trouble comes? Will he have integrity? Will he be strong enough to sort out your problems? After the romance then problems arise. Just being a man and a woman is a problem. We think differently and our needs are different a lot of the time and arguments ensue.
    You both need to be strong. To honour each other and Honour means to give value and importance. If you read Ruth, you will find Boaz and Ruth saw honour in each other and Naomi' inheritance (her genealogical line) was restored in adoption by Ruth. But the main point is honour, value and importance.
    I think you may need to see abouna and talk it over with him as you both need a bit more strength (gained through the wisdom of Christ) the you both can endure tough times times, because they happen my dear and do need to be tested to see how strong you are to commitment.
    I was engaged for a year and then married and then much to my surprise, arguments. I never knew about them as I hadn't thought there would be any.

    Church will support you in your relationships; culturally, traditionally, and most importantly spritually. As for sin, watch out for excuses it's ok been honest (recoqnising it) but it is another to conquer it. Needs work.

    I pray you will gain strength n your relationships Maryam through our Lord Jesus Christ.
  • Thank you guys for your opinions. Well, today I thought about it all night and day, now that my upsetness has subsided a bit I think I won't be leaving him for that. If God can forgive him I should learnt to do that too. I can see that he is different than he was before and I am sure he won't do that again. I guess we have to look forward instead of backwards. But, I'll definitely be praying about this constantly to see if infact it is meant to be.
  • God grant you a blessed life together in joy and happiness. Forgive always and pray.

  • @Mariyam,

    I pray that God grants you the strength and wisdom to deal with this perfectly. 

    It is great that you are willing to forgive him. That is a must. We must forgive. But that does not mean that because you forgive him that he is the right person for you. He may be. But those are warning signs you must not take lightly. I am assuming that if you carry on with the relationship, you are also considering him as a potential lifelong partner. At which point, marriage is the most important (in my opinion) decision of your life. Which is why I highly suggest you follow minasoliman's advice and talk to your father of confession as well as his. You will most definitely be blinded by your own emotions, so do not take these decisions alone! A man can only change for good if he gets closer to God. If his change was because he is now a God fervant/loving man, then the odds are high his change is true and genuine and not momentary. Speaking to both your father of confession and his is a great a way to see this. 

    God be with you...
  • This is something noone can tell you what to do. Some people may say "let it go", and then you may feel grief for your whole life, bad things can happen, you two may fight, whatever. People may say "forget him", but then you may see in the future you would be able to deal with it, nevertheless you let the opportunity pass.

    Dear, one thing is for sure: The love of God permeates all things. If we look for the love of God first, everything else practically falls with parachutes. I'm such a bad child and servant of God but I can testify in my life it has happened like that sometimes. It is always our fault, never His. So... you are supposed to feel "soft", "smooth" in engagement time. Not tense. You have to feel light, like not histerically excited, neither frustrated in some way. Life is supposed to be like a dance, a routine that is pleasant to be lived, for we are pilgrims in this world anyway. Nowadays people hate routine, they want only what is new, they get tired with sameness, while monastic life teaches us a lot about how some routine (not meaning monks do nothing at the monastery, we know it is very different from that) can be insightful, can be the development of strength, and the Kingdom of God is for the spiritually strong ones. If your relationship is bringing you worry and anxiousness, just think if it is something you can overcome or not. Emotional tense in marriage can be an invitation to future frustration. Is he really the man you want? For the-rest-of-your-life? Will you be calm and still independent of his past one day (as soon as possible)? Think about it. Don't take precipitated decisions. God has the right path for you. If you feel insecure, don't go ahead. If you feel you can overcome it, and you are wrongly turning it into a big deal, don't waste the opportunity. Good luck!
  • Hi

    Well now: Mina soliman gave good advice here. If you speak to abouna, I can tell you exactly what the priest will say:

    a) Has he repented for his past?

    b) Has he tried anything with you? Has he shown self control with you?

    c) You may need to know why he did this 4 times - was he far from God, and if so why? Is that how he behaves when far from God? What made him far from God? Was it not winning the lottery, or was he excommunicated from his Church and shunned by the Coptic Community because he wasn't cool enough?

    d) if someone repents for stealing, and all of a sudden there's money missing, ABOUNA cannot and will not think that the person who confessed & repented to stealing could have done it. What does that mean? It means that repentance wipes the board clean.

    Now, let's say that you answer all the above questions: that puts you in a situation that is problematic:

    you're a virgin and going to marry a non virgin.

    This is the ultimate recipe for divorce if both couples are not mature enough.

    As Minasoliman said: do not rush, but pray that God reveals to you if you can cope with his past as a wife.

  • Also, I forgot to add something.

    If he told he had sex with 1 girl in the past, and now he tells you it was actually 4 girls in total; then how much could it be further down the road?

    Are you SURE you can handle these thoughts?

  • edited August 2016
    I am posting this because I liked a post on facebook with the article in the link below

    If everyone thinks I can have sex before marriage and people are obliged to marry me this is a problem. A virgin is not obliged to marry a non virgin.The non virgin chose not to save himself for marriage. What is the point of virginity but to prepare yourself for marriage. If it doesn't matter it is not too important to be a virgin though it is good. The virgin saves himself for marriage to gain the trust that one will be able to love his spouse completely and as their only lover. The non virgin still has soul ties with his previous partners he can or can not remove. I am not saying it is not good to marry a non virgin. But one should not try to do so for biased charities sake. My dad said not to marry for charity sake but if I happen to be in the situation that I am talking to someone who I find out is not a virgin if I trust that person it is okay if I make steps to marrying that person.
    I am just saying that a virgin may be more in need of charity than a non virgin so not to be too biased and mock what they went through for you. But they also may not need your charity if others are marrying them. It is for you to decide who most needs your charity and who most makes you happy. However these days my dad says even in the church virgins may see no problems divorcing their spouses and taking half their money. Though it should be the case he who is faithful over little is faithful over much it is not always the case.
    It is important to remember not to cast your pearls on swine and be wise as serpents but harmless as doves if you think they will try to take advantage of you. Also it is important to remember not to be unequally yoked with them if they behave like unbelievers like not wishing to read the bible or being lukewarm and being unequally yoked hinders you from serving God and interesting other people to the way. However I trust he is devoted to serving God as you said.

    If we devalue virginity we can confuse unbelievers. However Jesus did say I desire mercy and not sacrifice so we should consider who most needs our charity. But we should never marry someone expecting them to change but we marry them for seeing the changes in them

    Or I guess virginity is still good simply because of the heavenly reward of it
  • edited August 2016
    I'm sorry but I'm going to rebuke the feeling that one should sometimes reject a sinner by which I mean someone who had sex before marriage as if he is doing something for God. Jesus is a virgin yet He loves sinners. What good is virginity without charity ? One does not have to marry a non virgin if he does not trust him but if he does trust him and they are a good match I don't think he should be rejected based on his past. The important thing is does he trust him and can he make her happy?
    Jesus said I desire mercy and not sacrifice
  • edited August 2016
    I said the above because I thought you should only worry about your virginity not others virginity
    but I guess you should not marry a non virgin if they can't handle you wanting to be very serious and devout. I also go back to my first message which I also mentioned in my second post faintly when I said not to marry if you do not trust. You are not obliged to marry a non virgin. If the non Virgin is going to compare you to others he may not love you completely.
    I'm not sure I will trust a non virgin with my soul because I do not know if they will be devout.

    I think you should talk to your confession father.
    A non virgin should marry a non virgin unless there is no other option. The problem with that is a non Virgin may not be able to find a spouse if there are only virgins. I think you should direct your charity to who needs it most which may be a virgin and if they have no need a virgin may marry a non virgin. Marry who will make you most happy

    It is a confusing issue. A priest was instructed not to marry a non virgin yet Hosea was instructed to marry one

    However Hosea was a prophet and the one who mostly needed charity then was a non virgin. It may confuse people today to marry a non virgin but not in hosea time

    I say this because if one does not take fornication seriously he won't take adultery seriously and a priest should tell the clean from the unclean and demonstrate his hatred towards the sin which destroy many souls and warn people not to commit sin thinking repentance will be offered late because we do not know when we will die
    but this is maybe only a command for priests

    Blessed is the man who endures temptation for he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who loved him
    People have commited adultery and then died unexpectedly

    I also say this for the virgins not to feel they are free from their duty to earnestly seek their salvation just like others have to
  • edited August 2016
    I change my mind once again salvation is indeed personal. I'm sure there were many Virgins among the people of Israel during Hosea time who would have got offended that Hosea married a prostitute. Or maybe not because it was written the land commited harlotry so they were all non virgins or there could be many virgins who commited harlotry against God by worshipping other gods which is worse than fornication itself
    I'm not sure all were unfaithful to God though God says in Hosea the land has commited harlotry yet I believe salvation is indeed personal so I believe a virgin should sometimes marry a non virgin.
  • edited August 2016
    I really don't know. All I know is if I have a son who commited a sin I would hope he would marry someone good hopefully a non virgin which I'm not sure they will be good but a virgin is better as they may be more likely to be good because a bad spouse may corrupt the children
  • edited August 2016
    Salvation is indeed personal. It is not your job to worry about stumbling others which is also not a fact.
    In the last days Jesus will say I was a stranger and you did not take me in. And some will say when ? He will say inasmuch as you did not do to the least of these you did not do to me. Not that you must not treat all good.
    So we can't reject sinners

    You may not need to worry about the Virgin who does not need anyone or he can find another virgin or a non virgin

  • edited August 2016
    A Virgin has a right for a Virgin spouse. You can't sin and expect a virgin to have to accept you for marriage
  • Mike,

    I think you need some self-control in your posts and think about your own experiences as well. If you have not given advises in real life and met people with similar problems, you cannot keep posting speculations for this matter.

    Gob bless you brother!
  • edited August 2016
    I agree I need self control

    I will conclude by saying my opinion this will be my last post. I think it is a good thing to accept a person and forgive their past. However it is for others more knowledgeable and experienced to decide if it is right.
  • Dear Mike Sometimes we get caught up in a problem and we tend to overthink it . It's Ok but we can always try not to become hard hearted either with others or ourselves and you can always express yourself in accordance with your capibilities. Been honest goes both ways and needs tact as to give freedom and value to what the other person as saying, rightly or wrongly.
    We try to edify and to learn in a way that we are not excluded just because we might be wrong.
    If we talk about what you said it is that a virgin should not marry someone whom has sinned and lost the virginity. Yep
    So the question could be is the sinner going to be always separated from God because they have made a big error in their life? The prodigal son made a big error but the thing is is that he came to the realization of his poor state and knew wence to return. He was forgiven as he was lost and his father rejoiced at his return. All was forgiven for the sake of him being once again close to his father.

    We are born again with the Holy Spirit giving us the goodness of God that we become one of His. But we also seek purity which is the virginity of heart even when we are in sin. Jesus gives us the wisdom and strength to conquer the sin in order to get close to Him and is always merciful.

    I pray first that you forgive ourself then forgive any whom you might not agree with. Lord Jesus look after my brother Mike keep him in you care.
    God bless you Mike

  • Thankyou so much dear brother. God bless you
  • I think the easiest option for our youth is for them to get married young. Why not? I find even in our rich communities, where parents are loaded with money, their kids tend to wait until their mid 30's to get married.

    Its surprising to see our kids get married so late.

    I think we should promote the idea of arranged or semi arranged marriages in our church.

  • or poverty.
    if we are poor, we don't think about image too much and we have a fun, cheap wedding at a young age.
  • anba moosa always says 
    Feel a little,
    think alot 
    pray even more 
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