I don't know where to start or how exactly I should say this, but I am desperate for help, and I hope you don't judge me for what I am going to write because I already know its all wrong from the very beginning but I am seeking opinions on how to overcome this problem.
I am a 22-year-old girl that fell in love with a guy that is not a Christian (Egyptian Muslim) in my younger years. Obviously, I didn't intend for this to happen nor in my mind would have thought this would get this far, but I, unfortunately, I guess I did not protect my heart. This all occurred normally as friends with no intention of ever feeling anything for each other. However, that all changed and we ended up loving each other. I know this may seem very bad and I know you can't trust an Egyptian guy and a Muslim, because we all know how most of them act and what their intentions are. However, we have known each other for 5 years now, a lot of people would straight up call this person a liar and who is just playing with my feelings or wants to convert me, but if that was so I would have never ever stayed or loved a person for this long. After a while our feelings got stronger and deeper to the point where I had to wake up to reality, he wanted us to be together forever. I am not going to lie, I also wanted that because, despite our religious differences, we never looked at that because our feelings were stronger than that and we reached a high point of honesty with each other, so we both felt like nothing mattered as long as we loved each other.
Of course, some of you may ask where was my mind, where was God in your mind in this whole situation. Before I met him, I was a 'Christian' by name and it did not worry me at this point, I thought I was perfectly fine. However, a year after we met, that all changed, I gave and committed my life to God for the first time, and I was not a 'Christian' for the sake of it anymore. God changed my view on life, my thinking, my actions, turning away from my evil sins, and hating sin and worldly desires with a passion. At this point, I loved God and all I wanted is to live my life the way God wants it. However, despite repenting and changing, I was already too deep with this relationship and the feelings I had for him, thus felt that I couldn't let go. I felt God talking to my conscious every day telling me to wake up and walk away. Therefore, I knew that I had to let him go, but words are easy to say, but doing it killed me. He was the only person I felt that was like me, we shared so much in common, everything just worked, we knew each other like an open book, he was someone I didn't want to let go. Even if we couldn't be together I wanted him to at least be present somewhere in my life, or even be my friend though that won't ever be the case, I just didn't want to lose him as a person, he was a really good person.
To make things short, I did try to leave several times, but in the end, we would come back to each other and I would give him false hope and tell him it will work out in the end. However, I only said that because of my weakness, because I didn't want to leave him again and I couldn't stand to the fact that I had to leave to leave him soon, it's like I was buying some time so that I may be with him a bit more. During these years they were like hell, it was a constant inner war with myself. I would pick a day that I will leave him on and would start to count the days till that time comes, and then I would extend, and extend, and in the end keep giving false hope and promises because I was just too weak to let it all go. With all this happening I started hating myself, I start seeing the person I loved as a sin, I wanted to get out of this, but every time I left, I got dragged in further and further.
When I chose to leave him, I left because I chose God's love over a man's love for me, but taking this step was never easy for me. After several attempts, I decided to end it once and for all, so I sent him a message and blocked and deleted everything of him in my life. After this, I gave my broken heart to God 100%, I ran to God to help me through this and to make me better. I thought that this person I saw as a sin and this love I saw as a sin would make me feel free from the problems I had faced, and I thought I would feel God with me even more than before since I re-committed my life to him even more. But, it didn't, through this long period of no talking I became severely depressed, I lived every day reconstructing the memories I had with him, I think I even became crazy because I could not sleep until the sun rose, I cried for days and months every night by myself even I would cry randomly, everything that reminded me of him broke me and made me cry even more. However, with all these emotional problems I prayed to God every day to help me because I was dying internally for someone I couldn't even be with, I just wanted to be healed and forgiven for my great mistake.
After all these months, without talking and no contact, I decided to send him a message on his birthday, with no intention of sending more than that message or going back to how we used to be. But of course, it was a bad idea, the heart is stupid should have followed my mind. So, the several months of controlling my feelings and trying to 'forget' all vanished, I felt like I was at home again, and of course, 3 months later we are back to the situation I tried to get out of, and I am currently up to the stage of sending him another message and leaving him for good no matter how much it hurts (I send a message because I know if I call or see him, I will be weak and will delay my leaving).
My problem right now is I have no idea how I am going to do this again, and go through this pain again, and focus on my studies with this great depression I have and that will be coming after this. I am going crazy, gebt akhri bgd, someone help me, these feelings are killing me, I want to end this but it kills me actually do it again. Please help me, I know this is very long, but someone tell me how to get this finished once and for all and not feel pain anymore, I am not looking forward to the next few months of waga3 alb :(
I know I have made a very big mistake, I know everyone reading is going to blame me for this, but I really want to finish this but I can't find the courage to do so
Thanks for reading.