No forgiveness

I have reached a point beyond forgiveness and I''m so depressed, scared and disgusted with myself.

You could not imagine the life I've led. I knew God and grew up in a good family which makes it worse.

every sin you can imagine I have committed more than once.

The worst part is I didn't care. I have also become a mean, nasty human. I bullied someone and they committed suicide 1.5 yrs later.

I also made people sin by making them hate each other, get angry and stop talking to each other.

I know there is never going to be forgivness for me as I caused someone to commit suicide and lose their soul and also caused so many other to continue to sin and lose their forgiveness by not forgiving others.

How do I continue living now. I want to commit suicide but I'm scared but im going crazy at the same time being here,,,,,,,,,,, please help me


  • Sara,

    There is forgiveness. You did not murder anyone - David the prophet did. And that did not prevent God saying David's heart is like His. Why? Because David repentance was a good one. A great one. Read his psalms. Read Psalm 50 over and over again. Talk to God. Know God. Then go to a priest and confess whatever is in your heart. All will be forgiven. Even more, you may then focus on become the greatest version of yourself with no worries. So to address your comment on "no forgiveness", you couldn't be more wrong. God is ready to forgive any sin. The challenge really lies between you and yourself. Suicide is not the answer to that one. I am no professional - there would be nothing wrong with seeing one, maybe even recommended. But all I can tell you is to study David the prophet - learn his psalms, and confess. Possibly that will totally alleviate the weight you feel on your shoulders. 

    I would also like to say, that as much as you may have done all the things you said - the devil often amplifies these things and makes us believe we are the cause for all the bad things around us - just so depression hits, then it becomes a vicious cycle. As easy as it is for me to say this, don't let this be so. That being said, focus on David the prophet, focus on repentance and relieve yourself with an honest confession.

    I pray that you feel peace in your heart, love and the true joy that God bestows on His children. Fool yourself not, you will always be His child. 
    God Bless.
  • Dear Sara,

    Don't despair! We have a Lord that loves us, in spite of all we've done! Remember that it is His "good pleasure to give you the Kingdom!"

    Our Lord wants our salvation, and He is willing to accept every one, and there is no sin too great for His love not to heal :). He came for people like you and I -- people broken and wounded and in need of help.

    You've done so well in speaking up! It's so important for you to get company and advice in your struggle. Is there a priest or trusted servant in your church that you can talk to? When we're down like this, having support and company is really critical.

    We're all praying for you.

    Your brother,
  • There are many saints and I mean many who did every sin known to humans over and over again, and when they repented they achieved the kingdom of heaven and God promised them that their lives would be used as great examples. He is the only one who can do wonders and work miracles, and change things 180 degrees from the lowest bottom to the highest top. Actually many of those were not just bullies but killers. Pray and read, it's not too late..
    thank you for coming here to let this off your chest.. that shows your strength..
    oujai khan ebshois
  • But a murderer is better than me because they didn't cause someone to lose their eternal life whereas someone who commits suicide does. I caused that person to lose their eternal life. If I murdered them it would have been better
  • Well how can we be sure? We are not God Himself.. suicide has so many different reasons and to pin them all on yourself may be too unfair. But you may still be right. You may be right counting yourself worse than those saints but what you are doing now is healthy and good. Don't despair as @thelittleway said or give in to the evil one. Just ask God and I am sure He will listen.. if He doesn't then at least we know you tried.. my faith is that He always listens..
    some saints could have said they are worse than you because killers don't waste time and never give a chance to the person they killed. On the other hand you were much softer than any of them because through bullying that person had a chance after a chance to regret what they were thinking of but they didn't.. maybe because of you or maybe because of something else I don't know. In any case if you keep looking at the past you are not going to move one step forward..
    Don't be shackled with the tethers of the past, but release yourself asking God to help you and I am sure He will.
    Pray for me and my wife too please..
    oujai khan ebshois
  • i agree with all the above, and please also see a doctor, as i think you need professional help.
  • Dear Sara,

    We all love you as a sister in Christ, despite never meeting you; imagine how much the Lord loves you, who knows your penitent heart! There is no sin too great for Him, no matter what you've done. After all, He is Goodness itself. He is always looking for the little good in us. Trust in His mercy and love. He is so quick to forgive. Don't be deceived into thinking that any sin is too great for His mercy.

    Please, do open up to a trusted priest or counsellor. Don't fear! Weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning :)
  • Dear Sara,
    I have a question for you: WHO IS MORE SINNER: you or st.mary of Egypt!!??
    to answer this question: read her story: 

    Always remember two FACTS:
    i hope you understand arabic, if you do, watch this 15min video: 
  • Hello Sara

    God knows what is in everyone's hearts, so unless we know the depths of His compassion and love we can not say the person will not be saved.

    It is infinitely good that in your opening letter you show much conscience and sorrow for what has past, and for those things, you can use as a lesson to correct yourself. Also, look out for the good things that happen as you can thank God for those blessings.

    I pray you don't judge yourself to a final condemnation as the final word is with our Lord Jesus Christ.

    Sometimes we assume so much and judge ourselves and others and it becomes a self for filling prophecy when in truth it is in God's hands all the time.

    May God bring you peace.

  • Dear Sara, please update us on how you're doing and do speak with a nurse (specifically an ED nurse) if you're still having these thoughts of suicide. May God protect you.
  • Hi Sara, I am a doctor.

    Yes, your behaviour was wrong but you did not "make" someone commit suicide.. you never know someone's situation and I (and the Orthodox faith) believe that God forgives a repentant heart. If you do not believe me why not speak to a priest?

    If you are concerned about your mental state rather than seeing an ED nurse (which seems to be a common suggestion) why don't you make an appointment to see a doctor? Of course if you are urgently worried that you can't control it and may harm yourself you can always present to ED, they are always open. 

    Feel free to private message me, 
    from a doc girl4God
  • My meaning in saying that God forgives a repentant heart refers to you my dear. 

    You can only be held responsible for your own behaviour, not for another person's behaviour or choices. 

    God bless +
  • mabsoota said:

    i agree with all the above, and please also see a doctor, as i think you need professional help.

    Excellent advice.
    But there are also good Christian councillors that you could see. There's something in you causing this and its most likely related to the heart. 

    I'm not sure all Christian advice is good; but a good priest, one who understands and can listen to you and offer you the good advice for your situation is what you need.

    I met this catholic priest once who gave me the best advice ever. Its as if he knew what was bothering me and answered me in such a way that I was dumbstruck. I would honestly give you his name and number, but he's left France.

    In fact, it turns out that everyone who ever confessed to him wants him back. He's now in Lebanon. Very amazing and wise man.
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