Advice....a big problem

edited June 2014 in Personal Issues
Where to begin....

I've made a very, very big mistake guys. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man and have been for a year. All things were well until recently. We had agreed to have no physical contact til we were married.....I'm sure it is obvious where this is going now. We are both adults in our mid-late 20s so we sort of assumed we could handle ourselves accordingly after that long and spend some time as just the two of us. 

I know everyone will say talk with your FOC but I just can't do it. Neither of us can. It feels like admitting that I've killed someone. To make matters worse, he had never even touched a woman before. Knowing that I also feel like I've stolen something that I can never return. 

I don't know what to do :'(


  • Despite what you "can" or "can't" do, you have sinned and you have to confess.
  • edited June 2014
    Let me rephrase it then. I say I 'can't' because I don't feel like confession will take away what I am feeling, and it will never give back what is gone. I know it is a sin and my guilt is eating me alive because of it.
  • You may as well just confess now, otherwise you're gonna feel guilty about it your whole life, and whenever something goes 'wrong' in your life you're gonna think whether that unconfessed sin is the reason, so might as well just bite the bullet and confess ASAP
  • Guilt is good when you are confessing. A sign that you will hate to do that sin again.
    Confession makes adulteresses virgins.
  • @unknown1,
    As @minatasgeel and @qawe said confession is a powerful tool to stamp out your guilt. The question is do you believe that to be the case? Not meaning to be judgmental but you don't sound to believe that strongly in that sacrament. It's a sacrament and that means that understanding alone is not enough to explain what happens but it does happen. Regret alone won't be helpful at least in the long run.
    In addition I passed through some similar temptations during my engagement and it helps working in psychiatry. I'll be happy to help if you'dklike to pm me. But not forgetting that's all useless without a father of confession and repentance.. God be with you, and pray for us a lot
  • There is a deeper issue here that I think is being overlooked:

    * The engagement period, in the Coptic Orthodox Church at least, is actually a period of discernment for marriage. Having sexual relations in this period can have disasterous affects:

    a) Are you completely emancipated in your decision making? Are you free to make decisions? or are decisions on marrying someone based on guilt??
    b) A marriage cannot be based on guilt. It has to be based on free will. This could cause many problems in a marriage. Do you want your partner to tell you :"If I never had sex with you, then I'd never have married you probably"?

    Its not the sort of stuff you want to hear after you get married.

    What Mina said is very good : Of course, confession makes anyone a virgin; but that's before God. The effects, or after effects of sex outside marriage don't stop at confession. Confession removes the guilt of the sin, but not the consequences of the action itself. There is guilt such as "I've sinned, I feel ashamed" that confession can purge, but there's also shame and dispair that confession doesn't purge: that "I am no longer a virgin... who will want me now?". These are negative thoughts that confession cannot absolve you from. 

    I would not recommend you speak to your FoC, but rather a qualified Christian councellor from the Coptic Church.

    Its very easy to fall into sexual sins, and these sins have effects that may resurface again. 

    All this ultimately depends on how humble you both are in accepting your weaknesses, in forgiving one another and admitting your weaknesses; but the main problem, as I've said before, is the decision making. If your future spouse marries you BASED ON the fact that he had sex with you and that is what is ultimately pushing him to marry you, then you are destined for a right disaster. 

  • +

    Dear Unknown,

    Put your weakness before the Lord and trust that He did not and does not condemn you for falling. This is a helpful reminder to others reading, that we often 'trust ourselves' and give ourselves license to do things and think we are invincible, but at the end of the day, we're all very very human, priests included. 

    I agree with the recommendation of speaking with a Christian counsellor, but that doesn't exclude also confessing! We confess to make amends with God, not because we are afraid of confession. As a priest, I can tell you that we've heard everything before, so don't worry about Abouna freaking out. If you're overly worried about it, you can even confess it to another priest if you're struggling with getting to your own foc. As you find more strength to speak to him, then you can tell him, because his job is to guide you, not to condemn you. 

    The Lord doesn't ever like to convict us. Look at all of the stories of our Lord's dealing with sinners, show me who confessed to Him that He punished!

    Pray for me,
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