Culture clash/jealousy!

edited December 1969 in Personal Issues
Oh boy, here I go posting in the 'personal issues' section....

Title says it all. Any advise would be awesome. Sorry if I ramble but I'm exam cramming while forum surfing on the side so my brain is everywhere.

How in the world am I supposed to deal with a possessive/jealous fiance? American friends rarely have to deal with this that I know about, so their opinions make zero sense due to going along the lines of "if I were you I wouldn't deal with it/time to split up at the drop of a hat" which isn't an option.

Don't go out, don't socialize, where are you, how long will you be out, when will you be home. Who was there, were there men there, please take your photos off FaceBook, etc. Last time I was in Egypt I had most of half clothes deemed a no for wearing outside and this is coming from a former Muslim; my closet looks like an old hagga's clothes mostly. I've had my jacket zipped for me over everything as a no look security measure. I'm 26, all on the basis of "I love you, I can't stand the thought of anyone looking at you."

LOL you see what I mean now. I've mentioned it and he tells me "You know, my sisters rarely go out of the house. If I ever saw her posting photos on FaceBook....just, no."

Is this an Egyptian man thing I don't know about? Is this an upper Egyptian thing specifically? Blah, it was cute and still is half the time but the other half just hits me in a really wrong way as an American.

Pray for me.

Comments

  • sounds a little obsessive and out of the ordinary (unless you dress extremely provocatively)....think hard about the decision of marriage before committing.
  • I agree with Amoussa01 on this one. In my personal opinion, I cannot stand a guy who would do that. If a guy cannot trust you, you could potentially have a lot of problems later on. In Egypt, that's a different story, he may be protecting you because I've heard of women being attacked in the street and being bothered in general simply for wearing short sleeve. However, if you're in the U.S., I would say that's too much. He's essentially acting in a Muslim mentality. Have you tried addressing the issue by speaking with him about it and letting him know that you're not okay with it?
  • hi, rebecca.ann!
    i 'know' you (in the virtual friendship form of the word) from the other forum (where i have the same 'name') so i doubt you are dressing provocatively.
    unfortunately from my knowledge of south egyptian (sa'eedi) families, Christian men sometimes behave towards women in the same way as those around them. lust is the woman's fault, she is the one who has to behave well not him etc. etc.

    i think the way to go forward from here is for you both to make a special effort to work hard on your spiritual lives and get close to God each in his or her own life at home, and also together in church, and then you will see if you are closer together after that. if God wants you together, then by concentrating on Him and His will for your lives, you will see if your faith is pulling you together or pushing you apart.
    take time over this step. it may be that you both need some preparation for married life and you don't need to rush into it.

    may God guide u. i am sending you a personal message also in case it helps.
    mabsoota
    :)

    edited a bit as i know lots of wonderful sa'eedi people too (and i met a lovely sa'eedi bishop) so i don't want to blame them for all the sexism.
  • [quote author=GODlovesme link=topic=14619.msg165980#msg165980 date=1379326193]
    I agree with Amoussa01 on this one. In my personal opinion, I cannot stand a guy who would do that. If a guy cannot trust you, you could potentially have a lot of problems later on. In Egypt, that's a different story, he may be protecting you because I've heard of women being attacked in the street and being bothered in general simply for wearing short sleeve. However, if you're in the U.S., I would say that's too much. He's essentially acting in a Muslim mentality. Have you tried addressing the issue by speaking with him about it and letting him know that you're not okay with it?


    I have not...yet. Oh but it is coming, I'm just trying to think of a way to bring it up/right time. He is never rude about it, and I basically go out here dressed like I want which is far from provocative despite whatever is said. Keep in mind he is still in Egypt while I'm here in the US (he has never been out of Egypt itself, rarely goes to the big cities like Cairo even), and I wonder sometimes if he can't seem to get that I could walk down the streets in only underwear here and most wouldn't look twice. Yes it does irk me for the very reason that it reminds me some of my Muslim past! I don't mind this when I'm in Egypt, it is just now.

    I have to wonder if it is part culture and part insecurity after thinking more and more.

    Hi mabsoota! *waves*
    We are not rushing things, both have agreed we need to be engaged at least a year before moving forward. Both of us figured there would be bumps like this along the road.

  • ahh, you are living in different countries.
    ouch.
    i did that too, but only for a short time.
    i was not spiritual enough for a long engagement, so we got married quite quickly after arriving in the same country! not the easiest time of my life, but a good time.
  • I know. It is sort of a must for now sadly. I'm not done with grad school for another year, and he is taking a contract job in UAE very soon for almost the same timeframe. Plus we have yet to pin down living in the US, Egypt or both of us moving to a third country, so immigration waits will happen in that 1 year either way.

  • It sounds like trust issues.

    But if you already annoyed at this now, it won't change after marriage... it will get worse. If u can't deal with his jealousy, or attitude now, then say so.

    Whether his behaviour is Egyptian or not, I do not know, but I doubt it. What I do know is this:

    a) the engagement period is PRECISELY for this reason: to find out what you're about to get; and
    b) if you get married in a Coptic Church, there's NO divorce.

    It seems like this is bothering you a lot. Its not something that would bother other girls, but i would be asking "why is it bothering him?"

    Ask him this: "Dear Mr Fiance... if I were a girl from Egypt, straight from Egypt, having lived ALL my life in Egypt, would you still be this jealous and insecure about me?"
  • Not sure if that is too late to reply now dear rebecca.ann, so if you have already found your answer, ignore me. I have been having unfortunate internet problems; so I am sorry (besides I am not sure if what I'll say is valid enough.. hehe).
    So all the points you've had from other members are very valid and true. I will only add another thing; it sounds to me like this person is not "just" possessive, or lacking trust, or behaving like his peers, but also from a psychological point of view he is quite insecure. I think you actually touched upon that, and that's true. At the end of the day you are best positioned to judge him and yourself compared to all other people on this forum.
    However, what I would like to say is that you must love him. Whether because he tolerates you as a person, tolerates your past, or because you act like a motherly figure to him, he loves you, and that is a rare currency to find nowadays. Also, it seems he needs help. If he is insecure you have a part to play to make him feel secure. What I mean is you have to find a balance to dress up appropriately and not to the extreme while giving him the sense he is in control, and that you understand him completely. It takes wisdom, and patience, and probably that is not the time to discuss this with you having exams coming up.
    With all of that said, how realistic do you think your dreams are for moving to Egypt? For him to move to the U.S.? Or for both of you to go to UAE, or another country? Mind you things aren't that simple, and going to the UAE may be even worse in terms of living your life than in Egypt. Mabsoota mentioned a good point, that in those countries the woman is to blame for sexual harrassment and not vice versa. It is a tough society to live in. So as dthoxasi said, think about it long and hard (when you get the exams over and done with) before you commit.
    God bless you and pray for me and my wife a lot
    Oujai
  • [quote author=ophadece link=topic=14619.msg166014#msg166014 date=1379606949]
    Not sure if that is too late to reply now dear rebecca.ann, so if you have already found your answer, ignore me. I have been having unfortunate internet problems; so I am sorry (besides I am not sure if what I'll say is valid enough.. hehe).
    So all the points you've had from other members are very valid and true. I will only add another thing; it sounds to me like this person is not "just" possessive, or lacking trust, or behaving like his peers, but also from a psychological point of view he is quite insecure. I think you actually touched upon that, and that's true. At the end of the day you are best positioned to judge him and yourself compared to all other people on this forum.
    However, what I would like to say is that you must love him. Whether because he tolerates you as a person, tolerates your past, or because you act like a motherly figure to him, he loves you, and that is a rare currency to find nowadays. Also, it seems he needs help. If he is insecure you have a part to play to make him feel secure. What I mean is you have to find a balance to dress up appropriately and not to the extreme while giving him the sense he is in control, and that you understand him completely. It takes wisdom, and patience, and probably that is not the time to discuss this with you having exams coming up.
    With all of that said, how realistic do you think your dreams are for moving to Egypt? For him to move to the U.S.? Or for both of you to go to UAE, or another country? Mind you things aren't that simple, and going to the UAE may be even worse in terms of living your life than in Egypt. Mabsoota mentioned a good point, that in those countries the woman is to blame for sexual harrassment and not vice versa. It is a tough society to live in. So as dthoxasi said, think about it long and hard (when you get the exams over and done with) before you commit.
    God bless you and pray for me and my wife a lot
    Oujai



    As far as living in Egypt, I had a job contract at an international school and was set to move for the new school year but the safety and stability went down the toilet a little to fast for me so I backed out. I don't exactly have dreams to live in Cairo but as is life. Realistically I could handle living there for a time. I hate the idea of me living in UAE, will not be going there except for vacations til his contract is up. At the moment it looks like he will come to the states unless he is declined. Other countries would just be based on skilled immigration applications since I'm a teacher and would have a MAT by then.

    I had a small talk with him, mostly because like you said, I can only ramble on about exams at the moment lol, but it went pretty well. I have known him for a long time, I knew he was an insecure person and me being American living in America magnifies that. I think he worries very much that I will start to miss my old Egyptian friends who are Muslim and get sucked back into that somehow and by default leave him. Or just find someone else in general.

    I also asked if I were Egyptian would I be dealing with this, and he said yes. I figured as much.

    Lord have mercy on you and your wife.

  • Thanks dear rebecca.ann; looks like you're really a very mature person knowing what exactly you want and how to achieve it. God bless you and continue with you what you started, and with your fiance too..
    Oujai
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