Dating....

edited December 1969 in Personal Issues
I'm sure this was covered before but...
I have been sort of dating this dude for a little bit
and I really like him
however, he's not christian....but i really like him.

And the other girls at church advise me that it's not a big deal, and that we may not get married some day, but it's good to get "practice" at being in a relationship....
I have no idea what to do/think....
help.

Comments

  • Your friends have very wrong misconceptions about dating and marriage. But you came to this website because you felt uneasy and sensed that something could be wrong! God bless you since you have decided to go against the flow and seek for yourself what God encourages His children to go forward to.

    If you are serious about seeking an answer I would suggest this sermon. If you have time for all 5 videos, they really are great! God bless your ambitions and keep you safe from anything that can take your heart from you and God.

    I'll pray for you and you pray for me :)

    http://orthodoxsermons.org/sermons/real-dating-part-1
  • yes, follow the advice above.
    i never got 'practice' at dating.
    happily married for >10 years now...
  • Soup, I am not sure how old you are but if you are in your teen years, then don't do it.
    In dating you are not ''Practicing'' bring in a relationship but rather you are practicing divorce.

    Don't go that route, I have a friend who went that way and it gets ugly. Your heart will be broken so many times. It will be shattered to that point that when it is time for you to get married, you will find out that your heart is not yours anymore.

    May God give you wisdom and guidance.

    In Christ,
    Ebnyasoo3

  • Well my story is same the only difference is that I am a boy of 21 years old and exactly the same story.
    At least I have now some idea what to do or what not, just because of you people and your great suggestions.
    thanks!
  • More confused, well the story is that I talked to her frankly and she burst into tears. She told me that, she would like to be in a relationship with me even after either of us get married anywhere.
    I am not able to understand, what i should do ??
  • You guys are right, If I thought this was a good idea, I would have done it rather than doubt and ask a forum!

  • Abouna Anthony has this to say:

    1. Dating is not a practice for Marriage but a practice for divorce. (When things get really bad people break up). Therefore the devil has disguised something bad as practice for something good.

    2. Focus on making God THE ONE and HE will find you the two.

    No need to "practice" no need to "look" no need to do anything but focus on God.

    God Bless and Good luck :)
  • yes, follow the advice above.  :o
  • Jerty, Don't stay with that girl - she's telling you she is willing to cheat even if she is in a marriage and you are in a marriage!! Leave that girl and find someone more dedicated and mature!! You are confused because that doesn't suit what you want.

    I come from a culture that is accepting of the dating scene. There are rules to it of course. But, as for finding someone to "practice" on, I can tell you that that is a major misconception. Even in my culture if you do not have the thought of marrying someone then you had just better leave them be. Be with someone who can either
    1 - work with you for a great life
    2- comes from the same form of culture-religion
    3- is willing to convert and do 80% or more of the changes (they will be living in two worlds) (Which is me ... ha :D I've always liked the culture before I met him. And I make some of the best Mologheya according to him  :P )

    All these new thoughts about "you-know-what" before marriage and whatever else there is is just misguided kids trying to be cool.

    Okay ... lost my train of thought ... hmmm ...

    Anyway, my fiance (not really yet - but I have been with him long enough that his family calls us that, 2 years as of November 18) he is Egyptian Coptic and I'm pan-European Metis-Blackfoot Lutheran (haha sorry had to be descriptive there I hate the term "white"). We are in what you call "dating-relationship mode". This is why
    1- planning on getting married
    2- in my culture we have three stages to getting married, and the stage where we learn who each other is through dating
    3- we consider engagment the final step towards marriage
    4- we are always with each other and very serious with each other
    5- traditionally, women in my culture convert and take housewife roles - even if we do work outside the home, until children come

    Traditionally, back in Canadian culture we also had the same steps until everyone moved into the cities (my Mennonite Dutch grandparents did the same). But, now the idea of "Dating" someone took the place of engagment. Back in those days the man did ask the girl's father if he could marry her. But, maybe because of finances or a new way of life people began to "date" and enter into "relationships" to get to know someone and fall in love. With us back when we believed in love comes after marriage, we even had arranged marriages.

    So, shortly (sorry I was trying to explain from a local cultural view point) yes, dating is okay if you know both what you want, avoid "temptations", are dedicated to one another, can't live without one another and really really love each other.

    But, unfortunately A LOT of people have fallen away from that. So, think with your head first, then your heart. And, if you have faith you will find someone. Maybe someone German like me :P seems like we are a good mixture. Even one of his uncles married a German woman. I think she was Mennonite too. She converted and they have a good life together :D

    Just my personal thoughts, expectations and experience :D
  • Okay, just to add some more, from my perspective

    Let's say this person is of a different culture (and not just a non-Christian), and you think you really click and have a future? Well, for me the only way to see if we could have a future together was to date - that way WE could figure out how we fit into each others' cultures. Dating is all about finding if two people, regardless of culture or religion are compatible. (That's how we do it in my culture, because for us engagement is a very different concept)

    Tbh, at first we had a REALLY rocky relationship. Lots of misunderstanding, fights, no communication. We are both stubborn people. But, eventually ... and Idk how we started ... we got over it and decided that we matter to each other more than always being right and always having one culture be more special over the other - Egyptian being the superior in the start of the relationship. We both got over our differences and learned to work together. Learn to compromise, and if you can take him to church with you? That's what Lutherans do (my family is not strict about religion, and women in my culture convert, and I'm on here for a reason obviously)

    So, if this guy matters enough to you, and you are both willing to sacrifice for each other, than why not date? Just COMMUNICATE your desires. What you need to see. Give it time - we did and now I cook him mologheya all the time :D (mmmm so delicious). I have had to do things against my culture for him and him for me, but if God wills it and you are meant to be together under His will, then things will be what they are meant to be. And his family is accepting of us (whew for me :D ) I've met them a few times, have them on facebook. So, if by God you are meant to be together then things will work out - just try to be understanding of one another. Try to introduce him to your culture too, it really helps.

    So, have faith, communicate and work together, be equals in the relationship - or whatever you can consider it.

  • Hi everyone, this is a very interesting topic that always is on my mind but first most I always says what does God feel towards us dating. I was told God is forgiving and merciful. I'm in a relationship where I live with my bf and his mom. I have been with him for a year and I know what happens between us is wrong. MY guilt bothers me every second. They are egyptin coptics... and I was hoping he would commit to me so we won't sin everyday. His mom said my sons don't like to be rushed into commitment or the runaway. My problem is im a new christian and lost my family because i chose Christ. They gave me a home when I had no place to stay, but I feel like he will never commit and I should move out but my financial situation is so bad. I have spoken to both of them about  my feelings and how I feel towards the sinning part. Again I was told God is forgiving. I feel like I'm taking advantage of Gods mercy and forgiveness, I feel alone and lost and don't know what to do. I know God comes first but I'm afraid of being homeless. I had very rough life growing up with a muslim family because of my differences about Islam. Most part that bothers me is I never sinned when I was in Islam and I am sinning now as a Christian. I hope Lord you will forgive me and have the most mercy on me.
  • [quote author=susu25nj link=topic=13719.msg161386#msg161386 date=1353612087]
    Most part that bothers me is I never sinned when I was in Islam and I am sinning now as a Christian. I hope Lord you will forgive me and have the most mercy on me.


    Hey Susu,

    Could it be that because you have found the truth the devil is trying his best to ensnare you?

    Susu, when you said you become Christian I am assuming Coptic Orthodox. If so you could go to your priest and tell him your situation. Actually, even if you are not Coptic Orthodox find an Orthodox priest and share your story - you will be surprised by how much better you will feel and the practical advices you will get.

    Susu, forget about what has happened so far and make new plans. The devil give us false repentance by over regretting our sins. You know, the kind of repentance that Judea had after he betrayed Christ. But this leads to self distraction as we see in Judea's case - suicide. The right kind of repentance is a practice of moderation: regretting the past but also remain hopeful about the future. Hopeful, not because we are great but because we know God will deliver us - we don't doubt this no matter what our current state is. 

    The Lord that brought you this far will not abandoned you. The Lord will complete the work of salvation that He has started in you.

    In Christ,
    Theophlius

  • To my dear sister Susu,

    I hope you are ok.  I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  I know that you have been through a lot to follow Christ and I know that you are so precious to Christ and your sacrifice is very precious in His eyes.  From what you have written I am concerned that the family you are staying with are not being good to you, please be very careful.  You are right, that God does not want us to live in sinful relationships and I am very deeply sad that you have met Christians that have led you to sin. Please forgive them, they are disobeying Christ's commandments and must have caused you much pain.  It is true that God is merciful and forgiving, but like you said this is not a reason to continue sinning, it is a reason to always have hope when we repent and never to despair.  :) You are loved infinitely by Him, and He like in the story of the Lost sheep and the Prodigal Son seeks the lost and rejoices with great joy when we turn to Him.

    I will pray for you, that Christ may protect you and guide you.  Please forgive me if I have said anything hurtful, I promise I do not judge you but respect you greatly and honour you for the goodness of your heart.

    Here are a few verses of encouragement:

    'For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but My kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has mercy on you.' Isaiah 54:10

    'Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.'  Matthew 5:6

    Psalm 37 (the one that starts.. 'Do not fret because of evildoers..')

    Saying a prayer for you tonight.  Please pray for me.

    In Christ,
    lots of love,
    your sister
  • Hi Susu,

    Welcome to tasbeha.org. I haven't seen you here before :).

    Your comment really confused me, by the way. There are a few things that really do not make sense:

    Before I start, I would like to say that I'm so sorry about your situation. I think you've been very brave, and from your comments, I see that the Holy Spirit has not yet left you in giving you these feelings of Hope in God's mercy and forgiveness - BUT you must act on them.

    [quote author=susu25nj link=topic=13719.msg161386#msg161386 date=1353612087]
    I'm in a relationship where I live with my bf and his mom. I have been with him for a year and I know what happens between us is wrong. MY guilt bothers me every second. They are egyptin coptics... and I was hoping he would commit to me so we won't sin everyday. His mom said my sons don't like to be rushed into commitment or the runaway.

    This is very odd. If he is Coptic, then he shouldn't be living with you outside marriage. The fact that his mother is condoning this immorality, it means they are obviously not a practicing Christian family. I'm not saying they are bad people - who am I to judge - but the Bible says: "If your RIGHT HAND causes you to sin, cast it away from you" - so if someone you love is causing you to sin DAILY and promoting it, either leave the relationship, or cast him away from you also.

    Why are you with someone who is "Coptic Christian" if they are not "Christian"?

    The beautiful thing about being Christian or meeting Christian people is that they should lead themselves and others around them into holiness, not sin (which appears to be your situation).

    Sure, we all have struggles and we have have battles with chastity, but they are battles we have and struggles - and to see a mother condoning this, then this would raise alarm bells in ANY Christian girl's ears!!!


    My problem is im a new christian and lost my family because i chose Christ.

    See.. this is the part that does not make ANY sense to me: you say you lost your family because you chose Christ, and yet you are losing Christ because you chose this boyfriend?? Do you realize that? What good was it to become a Christian and to live in unholiness? Do you NOT know that this behaviour you are experiencing separates you from Christ??


    They gave me a home when I had no place to stay, but I feel like he will never commit and I should move out but my financial situation is so bad.

    They didnt give you a home, you are giving him sex. They have given you a prison. Christ came to free you from the bondage of these sins and they've just gone and entrapped you. Furthermore, how can it be a home when you are waiting/expecting the young Coptic guy to propose to you? It means that its not just a home. You want him to want you. Obviously!



    I have spoken to both of them about  my feelings and how I feel towards the sinning part. Again I was told God is forgiving. I feel like I'm taking advantage of Gods mercy and forgiveness, I feel alone and lost and don't know what to do.

    Now you have these feelings, that is good. I would suggest you respect these feelings and act on them. Leave this home and this family.


    I know God comes first but I'm afraid of being homeless. I had very rough life growing up with a muslim family because of my differences about Islam. Most part that bothers me is I never sinned when I was in Islam and I am sinning now as a Christian. I hope Lord you will forgive me and have the most mercy on me.

    That bothers me too!! Im SO sad that God gave you this useless Coptic family who rather than show you Christ, only led you into sin.

    My suggestion is to speak to Abouna and ask him for advice on where to go. There are many many good Christian organisations that would be happy to help you, free of Charge.

    This Coptic family is extremely FOOLISH to think that they could offer you a place in their home where you could be in a Christian/Holy environment and yet they are turning it into a brothel.

    This is awful.

    Believing that Christ is God is great, but Christ said to us: "For me to abide in you, and you to abide me Me, do One thing: KEEP MY COMMANDMENTS".

    As I said, we all struggle and we all had our experiences with this - but to keep on having sex with someone knowing its bad and you are BOTH christians is awful.

    Our relationship with God isn't a points system, but one where God understands our sufferings and shortcomings and helps us to grow. I'm just sad that this Christian Coptic family are not helping you to grow spiritually - you need this MORE than a home - for what do you gain if you have a roof over your head, yet you lose your soul???

    God be with you sister
  • Dating is only practice for divorce. Now(teenage years) is the time for wholesome pure friendships. and friendly love towards all, lest you find your youth wasted in sin. Speak to your abouna (father of confession. It can not be even somewhat pure if you are not open and comfortable speaking with him on this matter. If/When you speak to him, REALLY listen. Don't argue. He loves you like as Christ does. God bless you and may He give you strength and wisdom.
  • [quote author=St. Pachom link=topic=13719.msg165515#msg165515 date=1375449488]
    Dating is only practice for divorce.


    I never heard of this statement before, but I like it very much. I think the term "dating" that you refer to is what Susu is engaging in. Its more sexual than it is "platonic". Ya3ni.. as Egyptians, some people can consider a very formal meeting between a man and a woman as an introduction between them to get married as a "date". But the term "date", in the USA i think, is not a romantic term, but rather sexual.

    Please correct me if I'm wrong??

    Because, I see nothing wrong with going out with a girl for a coffee and seeing if she's interested in you - surely, you'd want to discuss your lives before even thinking about getting engaged? That to me is a date still.

    I think why this statement is true (that dating prepares u for divorce) is because you've already got experience in breaking up. I think when you date, you go in to "experiment" not to commit (according to the definition used by most people). You become a professional breakupper. The smallest issues in a relationship happen, and you've broken up. When it comes to marriage, because you've already (in the past) dated, had sex, broken up SO MANY times, that when it comes to marriage, what difference does make? Why stop now? You've already broken up with previous boyfriends so many times, if your husband upsets you, it wouldn't be so hard to break up with him either.

    These relationships devalue yourself and your emotions.
  • [quote author=Christrules link=topic=13719.msg160777#msg160777 date=1351547677]
    Abouna Anthony has this to say:

    1. Dating is not a practice for Marriage but a practice for divorce. (When things get really bad people break up). Therefore the devil has disguised something bad as practice for something good.

    2. Focus on making God THE ONE and HE will find you the two.

    No need to "practice" no need to "look" no need to do anything but focus on God.

    God Bless and Good luck :)

    AMEN!!!
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