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1
Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: May 01, 2013, 09:20:46 PM »
I broke, I will see counselling, I cried, I was unable to sustain, I just went crazy today, mid-day, I literally just stopped walking and began weeping more than I have ever wept before in the middle of my break (thank God it was my break). On the bus home from Campus I cried more and then decided to do something life-changing. I was finally able to funnel my emotion and direct it to art. My creative brain got a good working as I wrote my first ever meaningful poem written from the true emotion, true heart.
2
Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: April 30, 2013, 07:28:16 PM »
Didn't see the counselling yet :/
I'm now in a very bad state. I was going good, reached a good level of happiness linearly and then, just as the break starts, summer starts, my happiness peaks, then drops exponentially down to zero. I think my dopamine and oxytocin levels are literally zero.
I'm descending into chaos right now. It's never been this bad, never been worse. Panic is filling my heart, the first time I ever felt panic and despair out of depression.
I'm now in a very bad state. I was going good, reached a good level of happiness linearly and then, just as the break starts, summer starts, my happiness peaks, then drops exponentially down to zero. I think my dopamine and oxytocin levels are literally zero.
I'm descending into chaos right now. It's never been this bad, never been worse. Panic is filling my heart, the first time I ever felt panic and despair out of depression.
3
Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: April 25, 2013, 07:35:32 PM »
I'm now getting professional help from counselling.
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Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: April 14, 2013, 01:08:16 PM »
Got a NEW NAME GUYS! A little shorter too; I gotta make it easier to remember 
5
Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: April 11, 2013, 07:19:58 PM »
With a carefree attitude to my issue, I have spoken to several girls and several random people and I have improved thousands of folds. Hmm, this is looking quite good. My confidence is high, everything is alright, I got spotted on the University spotted thing where a girl called me super duper cute, handsome, and told me she loves my smile. Shame she didn't say that to my face. Well, time to roll over exams.
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Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: April 09, 2013, 09:10:55 PM »you'll look rough when you're 90 anyway, and so will your wife.
relationships based on looks tend not to last.
i know lots of happy married people who are quite ugly
(don't tell them i said that)!
more seriously, if you work on your spiritual life, you'll develop a lovely character, and you're peaceful smile will make you permanently beautiful.
I'm actually not unattractive, I regret saying that. I like the way I look, anyone who doesn't can go away. What I want to try and avoid is a relationship based on looks. But it seems that almost all of them start that way anyways.
You're right though, I have to work on my spiritual life.
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Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: April 09, 2013, 10:24:15 AM »
Yup, I took a panorama of my head and body and I'm looking at myself in 3D and I'm not attractive, and thus no girl will find me attractive and I am forever alone. This sucks, a lot, and has turned me into a greedy, self-centered bastard now.
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Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: April 08, 2013, 06:10:02 PM »
Smiling is hard for me, but i'll try, you're asking a very shy person to smile at random strangers anywhere I go, it's difficult but I will try it, might as well.
Just to note, I hate thinking people are bad and inferior... I hate that, so I will obviously revert back to a equality system when exams are over. I'm doing this to free myself for exams.
Just to note, I hate thinking people are bad and inferior... I hate that, so I will obviously revert back to a equality system when exams are over. I'm doing this to free myself for exams.
9
Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: April 07, 2013, 05:42:56 PM »
Okay, I'm fighting my first rounds of resistance to the happiness. I'm winning them as I am reinforcing my knowledge that people in general are so stupid, it's quite the fact. I am achieving very high results in university, it is those people, who do the same, with whom I can connect to, the non superficial ones, the perhaps nice girls.
I need a vacation...................................................
I really really need a vacation................................
It's not a matter of want, I have to get out of here
I need a vacation...................................................
I really really need a vacation................................
It's not a matter of want, I have to get out of here
10
Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: April 07, 2013, 04:06:42 PM »
Essentially, I gave up, and I'm making an excuse to feel awesome about myself.
11
Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: April 07, 2013, 01:50:07 PM »
Mabsoota, Ray, Joshua, and all those who have helped me including PFM and Peter,
I am well-into day 3 of happiness right now. I have had several people help me and they really helped me well. I dedided the following. Girls aren't everything.
What is making me happy is that the fact that girls don't like me is because they're superficial, pretty much all of them, and I'm not looking to be subject of a single burst of emotion in the beginning and then when we age that fades and the girl leaves and cheats and all that. No, it's not worth it, girls aren't worth it. All I wanted was to be loved but it seems that girls are incapable of loving anymore, it's all sex, sex, sex, good looks, good looks, good looks, and no consideration of anything other than that. I'm sick of being victimized by horizontal inequality, and through several of my beloved friends I have learned better. Really, girls and guys that are superficial can go have sex and do stupid useless non-lasting things all they want, I know I'm above them.
I used to regard girls as superiors and in control of everything but not anymore. Most of them are slaves to their desires and so are the men who sleep with them. I am free, liberated, and I will not be controlled by my desires. I will use my frontal cortex to the maximum and think logically because now I am happy. Now that I regard all women as either equals (for that chance that they might not be superficial and might be kind human beings), or much lower (for when they are superficial with their eyes so closed and shallow, their minds so tight and unable to grasp beauty. It's my turn now to be happy and enjoy life while they are hurt countless of times over and over again and suffer depression. I never deserved depression.
Oh and when I say that, I'm speaking generally. I really believe there are non-superficial girls out there that love and care... but I don't really see any of them around so I'll just wait and follow my strongest passion:
I'm going to reach for Proxima Centauri, literally.
Oh and to all the girls here, I'm not judging, I'm just saying the truth, I'm also not saying anything about you, just in general. I can't live like this anymore, I respect all women, and let them do what they want, but I will not allow anyone's poor judgment to ruin my life, being the case for the past three months.
Oh, this has liberated my sociality too.
I am well-into day 3 of happiness right now. I have had several people help me and they really helped me well. I dedided the following. Girls aren't everything.
What is making me happy is that the fact that girls don't like me is because they're superficial, pretty much all of them, and I'm not looking to be subject of a single burst of emotion in the beginning and then when we age that fades and the girl leaves and cheats and all that. No, it's not worth it, girls aren't worth it. All I wanted was to be loved but it seems that girls are incapable of loving anymore, it's all sex, sex, sex, good looks, good looks, good looks, and no consideration of anything other than that. I'm sick of being victimized by horizontal inequality, and through several of my beloved friends I have learned better. Really, girls and guys that are superficial can go have sex and do stupid useless non-lasting things all they want, I know I'm above them.
I used to regard girls as superiors and in control of everything but not anymore. Most of them are slaves to their desires and so are the men who sleep with them. I am free, liberated, and I will not be controlled by my desires. I will use my frontal cortex to the maximum and think logically because now I am happy. Now that I regard all women as either equals (for that chance that they might not be superficial and might be kind human beings), or much lower (for when they are superficial with their eyes so closed and shallow, their minds so tight and unable to grasp beauty. It's my turn now to be happy and enjoy life while they are hurt countless of times over and over again and suffer depression. I never deserved depression.
Oh and when I say that, I'm speaking generally. I really believe there are non-superficial girls out there that love and care... but I don't really see any of them around so I'll just wait and follow my strongest passion:
I'm going to reach for Proxima Centauri, literally.
Oh and to all the girls here, I'm not judging, I'm just saying the truth, I'm also not saying anything about you, just in general. I can't live like this anymore, I respect all women, and let them do what they want, but I will not allow anyone's poor judgment to ruin my life, being the case for the past three months.
Oh, this has liberated my sociality too.
12
Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: March 24, 2013, 02:54:00 PM »
On Friday, a tragic event had occured. I'm not going to speak about what has happened to me, but all at once I find myself overwhelmed to the point where I just give up:
- emotional stress
- emotional distress
- emotional panic
- emotional frustration
- physical stress
- physical injury
- mental stress
- parental control
- no autonomy causing stress
- hate of the system
- hopeless
- colossal waste of time and money
Only a few of those existed until the event that occurred on Friday. It has overwhelmed me and I have concluded that I am a failure and I have given up on any search I had for love. Perhaps I will take further steps in halting this roll as it is:
The roll of 0/1000 happiness, for the past three days it's been 0/1000, for the past week it's been below 10/1000. 0/1000 isn't pain... I find, it's complete death of emotion with a constant whirring of headache, and bodily pain all over just tingling and constant.
I was on the edge for a while, now it seems I have fallen off that edge. It is only a matter of time till my last lines of defense fail.
Oh, and once my last lines of defense has fallen, that means physical death. No, I'm not contemplating suicide... I'm just predicting that as I endure more stresses upon stresses, I will just collapse... to the song I always loved, the song that gave me comfort, my last song.
Because there's no one there. This world doesn't deserve me.
Edit: keep in mind guys as I am on my last strings, I'm following all your advice... but nothing seems to be working. Life's just being horrible for me...
I need to make a good friend... that's really all that will be able to bring me out of this pit.
- emotional stress
- emotional distress
- emotional panic
- emotional frustration
- physical stress
- physical injury
- mental stress
- parental control
- no autonomy causing stress
- hate of the system
- hopeless
- colossal waste of time and money
Only a few of those existed until the event that occurred on Friday. It has overwhelmed me and I have concluded that I am a failure and I have given up on any search I had for love. Perhaps I will take further steps in halting this roll as it is:
The roll of 0/1000 happiness, for the past three days it's been 0/1000, for the past week it's been below 10/1000. 0/1000 isn't pain... I find, it's complete death of emotion with a constant whirring of headache, and bodily pain all over just tingling and constant.
I was on the edge for a while, now it seems I have fallen off that edge. It is only a matter of time till my last lines of defense fail.
Oh, and once my last lines of defense has fallen, that means physical death. No, I'm not contemplating suicide... I'm just predicting that as I endure more stresses upon stresses, I will just collapse... to the song I always loved, the song that gave me comfort, my last song.
Because there's no one there. This world doesn't deserve me.
Edit: keep in mind guys as I am on my last strings, I'm following all your advice... but nothing seems to be working. Life's just being horrible for me...
I need to make a good friend... that's really all that will be able to bring me out of this pit.
13
Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: March 21, 2013, 06:16:45 AM »
Just an update... I'm losing it. On a scale of 1 to 1000 on happiness level I am literally at a 3, and I burst out crying at the most random of time anywhere I am. I've written 20,000 words on my case, if anyone is free to read them, be my guest, but you have to maintain a level of confidentiality as it describes my city and my life in full detail.
EDIT: PFft, on campus now... FORGET the 3, I'm down to a 2... cried on the buses twice, good thing it was minor so no one would of noticed and judged me even more.
BTW, 1 to 1000 is my own formulae. here is the categories:
Overt 850 to 1000
Happiness750 to 850
Minute 650 to 750
Overt 550 to 650
Neutral 450 to 550
Minute 350 to 450
Minute 300 to 350
Sadness 250 to 300
Overt 200 to 250
Minute 150 to 200
Depression100 to 150
Overt 50 to 100
Pain 0 to 50
EDIT: PFft, on campus now... FORGET the 3, I'm down to a 2... cried on the buses twice, good thing it was minor so no one would of noticed and judged me even more.
BTW, 1 to 1000 is my own formulae. here is the categories:
Overt 850 to 1000
Happiness750 to 850
Minute 650 to 750
Overt 550 to 650
Neutral 450 to 550
Minute 350 to 450
Minute 300 to 350
Sadness 250 to 300
Overt 200 to 250
Minute 150 to 200
Depression100 to 150
Overt 50 to 100
Pain 0 to 50
14
Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: February 17, 2013, 09:55:40 PM »may God give u peace.I'm trying my best, of course I will keep going to church... as I do not autonomy over my life but rather my parents do. So that's not a worry.
keep praying and going to church, even if you feel you are not worthy.
remember the church is a hospital for the sick, not a parade of the perfect people.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcEaMvq7gt0
This is where my name comes from. The song which made me cry last summer and is currently helping me be relieved of my situation just tonight by emptying my lacrima glands. I will wake up fresh in the morning, pray to God, and get to school. I would much rather leave my laptop at home and be dependent on simply life itself. Hopefully, due to the lack of people on campus from Family day, I will have a good chance of zero distractions of people's interactions that make me feel jealous, envious, than hopeless...
I will be praying.
Update: I'll be seeing a university councilor too.
15
Personal Issues / Re: Lettuce's Updates (Fast - Complete, Lesson - Complete)
« on: February 12, 2013, 08:46:23 AM »
Just to let you know guys, I'm not doing so well. I'll keep you guys posted.
