Does anyone remember me? It's been one year.

edited June 2014 in Personal Issues
I've missed this place, it's been quite the while since I've logged in. But, I've been recently browsing these forums seeing what other people have to say. 

Well, I'll reveal a bit about myself: My name is Khas, I'll only reveal my real name through PM and ask for it to be kept confidential. 

Here's what has happened since I last posted here: 

I was depressed starting the middle of a Calculus I exam back in December 2012 and it lasted, worsened and got better, till June 2013. I was lonely, had no friends or anyone to really talk to at all (I was actually wallowing about girls, but in the end, it was rooted with friends) and I felt the following: I got depressed, felt suicidal (was about a few nanometers from killing myself a couple times), had horrible memory and learning abilities (yet I still pulled through because I might be intelligent). I was being anti-social even though I wanted to talk to people, and I made horrible decisions. 

At around May, June, July and August (Summer 2013), I began making friends, talking to people, improving myself and becoming a better person. I took it upon myself to initiate a programme of self development and progress in living an awesome life. I've accelerated the pace when I began reading about things I'm very weak about in November, 2013. 

I mentioned I have problems meeting people and especially talking to girls. Not anymore. I've met hundreds of people, and lots of girls, and am sometimes so smooth and stress-free that the interactions seem to be completely out of my hand and super natural (which is a good thing, according to what I'm reading now). I've had girls like me, but because (from experience) girls are passive and the sexual-defender in most cases, they never initiate anything, and it's always up to me (which I'm glad as it puts a lot of power in my hand... I'd hate to be rejecting these wonderful ladies all the time because I'm not interested). 

Ended up asking a girl, "There's one thing I want to ask you. If I asked if you wanted to come out with me for a coffee, a walk down Old Montreal, a movie... a date... If I asked you out, would you say yes?" She didn't say no, she said yes. Then I explained myself, and told her that at this point in my life I'm not ready for it, in a unique way, unique to our relationship. She understood more than anything, and I could feel it. 

Alright, that's not all. I'm in the process of reading a lot to become well-read (I love reading), I've gotten an awesome job in Montreal, QC, have successfully convinced my parents to move out (finally), living an awesome life here, I'm almost always in a happy state of mind. I can see the effects. My memory has returned, I'm watching shows and movies, becoming more knowledgable, able to connect with all sorts of people. I'm knowing when to talk, what to talk about, and where to go to meet the people who will make my life in that moment. 

I'm discovering who Khas really is (feels awkward using that name, haha). What I like, who I like, what I want to do, what I am passionate about. And it seems to be that the science program I'm in isn't going to cut it. But, I've been revealed to a pretty awesome pathway which I'm following to bring me to the leadership position I want to be in. I'm a hard worker, I'm a passionate, growing and eccentric young man, and I realized one of my life missions is to be charismatic and spread something I really want to spread: a spark of curiosity. Contact me for more information, this is a million words on its own, we'll have an e-coffee date and discuss it. 

One thing I've realized. I need to be able to handle the negative emotions I encounter. They're not going to disappear. I will feel lonely, sad, upset, angry, disgusted, whatever the emotion may be, but I need to take it, deal with it in some way, and move past it. That's really why I'm here. I felt lonely here. I felt like the people at work aren't for me, they keep making me upset, and they aren't adding to my happiness. Maybe one guy, and I really like him, he really is helping me a lot, and I like hanging out with him. But, others just get me feeling down. Sometimes, the frontal cortex cannot fight against the more primitive parts of the brain that controls emotion and feeling, but I've been trying to control it. What do I do in this case? 

My issue is that I'm not developing rapport with them. I'm trying to be social with them but it's not working. They're not returning their end of the deal, and I find it hard to put in my two cents into the conversation. I feel lonely around them. I feel alone, feeling of depression, because I think without even thinking, "am I really that bad of a socializer? Maybe I'll never get good at it and never meet a girl who will like me because I just suck at talking." But I know that's not true, it's just hard to not feel that way sometimes. 

I've gotten from the point of being a fat, facial-haired, un-groomed, no style, no sense of anything, anti-social, unhygienic boy... in one year, to a well-dressed, highly groomed, fit (somewhat ripped to shreds), social happy young man... all in one blasted year.

It's been one year since I've pulled through this, thank God. I'm here to celebrate this year with all of you. I'm exactly 20 years old now and what better way to celebrate than with the return of a prodigal son? 


  • +


    I wasn't here a year ago, so I don't remember you, but I do want to say that I'm so happy for you and your progress and want to thank you for sharing it. For so many people that are struggling with depression, they cannot see past their own reality, and so the world is so bleak. I applaud you and thank God for the grace He gave you alongside your efforts!

    The important thing is to root our meaning in Christ, to understand that if Christ is really Who He says He is --- life cannot be the same.

    Pray for me,
  • hi, of course i didn't forget u


    this year we have a priest who posts on the forums!

    we are happy to have father anthonypaul with us, and happy to have you back.

    stay close to God and keep up your prayers, Bible study and church visits and may God guide u and give u courage



  • I kinda remember you :D

    Really awesome post - shows that it's all in the will. We're glad you're back!
  • Hi Father, 

    Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes I overlook Christ, but wherever I go and whatever I do, I always come back to the same conclusion and Christ is always there, regardless if I see him or not, and he is always helping, in some way or another. 

    Hi Mabsoota, 

    Of course, as much as I can! It's a blessing. 

    Hi CopticStrength! 

    Thank you, merci beaucoup mon ami! 

  • I'm also in the beginning of a blog to post, publicize and publish a lot of my half a million words of writing. 

    When I got depressed I thought that writing would help me vent. I later realized it was very destructed and stopped. I deleted everything. Later one, I managed to recover what I lost and combined it into a document called, 'The Depression Articles'. I read excerpts here and then and think to myself, 'That was me?' And I immediately feel blessed and confident to the maximum, in moments. A little later, I realized when I wrote the depression articles, it was as if I was talking to someone else. I was typing as if there was someone else there. It was my way of coping and it's an intelligent method my mind innately developed to avoid destroying itself. 

    From that realization I decided to write a non-fiction book on psychology, I'm in the process of pondering ideas and gaining experiences to develop the book.

    In addition, I've taken pleasure in writing and I write fiction short-stories, remembering my own memories and experiences, and general articles on general topics as well as scientific topics. 

    Obviously, I won't link the blog here because the content is very varied and it has context inappropriate for youngsters. If you'd like the link, you're more than welcome to PM me and I'll link you up. 
  • stop worrying about girls, they are a headache...ask any married man.
  • Your post brought tears to my eyes :') Good for you Khas!
  • edited February 17
    wp please delete
  • Khas I pray you're ok now.

    If not, then I pray God will find someone who will support you in times of weakness. If you have found someone, let them know any bad feelings you might be having. Then it would be good if they are there with you.
    Pride is sin as it stops us asking for help.

    God be with you my brother.
  • edited February 17

    I need your prayers please. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

    I'm always sinning, 24/7 I'm in sin... I want out of this state of sin
  • edited February 18
    I will be praying for you my brother.

    The world is full of sin but dont be too hard on yourself as God's wisdom can extricate you from it.

    One thing that keeps us sinning is lack of self-discipline. We lose our ability to focas on what we should be focusing on and so are all at sea.
    What is needed is to get rid of distractions. In our terminology it's temptations. It is really hard work but try to gain a little at a time. Change is incremental which means bit by bit. Steadily you will be able to trust what in what you are doing and why you are doing it for.

    When we read Genesis we see God created everything and saw that it was good. We lost that but we are daily fighting with what He had started with.

    May God enlighten your conscience in all that is righteous so you may prevail over that which you were not born to or even want a part of.

    God bless you my brother.
  • I need to edit my comment please
  • Pray for me Khas I'm very much in the fight.
  • Also Khas having one really good friend will help with self-discipline. It's all narrowing things down to get more focas. Otherwise confusion.
  • Joshua,

    Thank you. And thank you all for your prayers. I often times have moments I can't explain except through analogies, similies and poetry. I wish I could share these feelings with others and I realise I can, and its through God.

    Now I'm sitting here, having so much pride that I can't talk to people, it seems like my mind is constantly comparing myself with others... I want to stop this, Joshua. How can I accept God and do his will if I'm stuck constantly thinking about myself? I want to do well to others and wish them good, but I can't if my brains busy. I feel almost hopeless on this regard but giving up is in itself counter intuitive and it won't happen. So, that's why I'm so confused, I can't give up, I'm almost hopeless, I have a hidden pride so massive that I never even knew it for years, and I misinterpreted what my heart wants. Now I want to go back, I feel guilty, l feel dead. Like all the years before today were fake and I was just born. I don't really know what to do at all, I just pray. I'm sorry for posting on here, no harm is meant through my problems, I just felt like I had no where else to turn for now.

    I'm praying for you Joshua.

  • edited February 18
    How does one improve his self discipline? I have a lot of bad habits I want to stop. I ask God for help, and I resist urges to continue, but time after time I still end up giving in to the urge and maintaining the bad habits. The more I resist the more the urge becomes stronger. The more I rationalise and use fake logic to give in.

    Its really tough. I believe a friend could really help me. I don't know how to get a friend though.

    I guess one problem at a time?
  • Thanks for praying for me Khas.

    I think what you said about yourself having pride is one issue that if you can turn it around will solve a lot of others because the pride stops God from helping you.

    I'm wondering if you would like to buddie up with me in praying from the agpeya.
    If you have one? If not can you get one from church?
    One of the things for self-discipline is to
    be in control of your time, so if you can make five minutes or so with God and me

    First the Introduction of every hour.
    Then the Lord's prayer.
    Then the prayer of thanksgiving.
    Then Psalm 50.

    We can do it for three days of the week.
    You choose the days and I will do the same.

    Then if you choose to do it with me, when you read it, look at the situations in what you are reading and examine your feelings about your pride. Don't deny them but accept them and then hopefully the fear that is in them will go.

    When we confess our sins it releases the fear that is in them, sort of like a bully who is really a coward because he fears something, and can make us think too much and so if you do that, then for five minutes or so you will be brave and God has helped you.
  • Yes, Joshua. That would be really nice, could you do this with me? I'll send you a private message next week
  • Thanks brother
  • this is a good idea, may God help you both
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