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+Christ is risen!
allow me to be so bold as to comment on some things you've written. I might be misinterpreting them since I barely know you, and if I am, just holla. :-)
One thing I acknowledge with my whole heart is that I cannot succeed in life without God. Even if I earn it with my own effort, I will never be satisfied with myself. That's why I need God so much.
You actually don't need God for the sake of getting things, you need Him because you're created a spiritual being and your spirit is longing for Him. You need Him because of a relationship, not for benefits. So, you need God, for sure, but it's not going to be because of success. You need Him because you love Him and can't live without Him.
For example, I have the bible always in front of me, spiritual books, and the agpeya, but I always choose to do the alternative. ...me.
To this, Abouna Matta elMaskeen answers:
When Christians devote themselves to the spiritual combat, to assiduousness in prayer and the careful observance of other spiritual practices, they can come to feel that this activity and this assiduousness condition their relationship with God. It seems to them then that it is by reason of their perseverance and fidelity to prayers that they deserve to be loved by God and become His children. But God does not want souls to go astray down that false path, which would, in fact, separate them for good from God's freely bestowed love, and life with Him. So He takes away the energy and assiduousness that threaten them with this loss.
Once God has taken away the abilities that He had offered freely in proof of His love -- these souls are left without strength, incapable of performing any spiritual action, and are confronted with the stupefying truth that they resist believing and persist in seeing as highly improbably: God in His fatherhood does not need our prayers and our good works. At the beginning, they cling to the idea that God has withdrawn His fatherly care from them after they stopped praying; and that God has abandoned them and neglects them because their works and perseverance were not up to the measure of their love. They try in vain to get up from their prostration and mourning and take up their former activity, but all his resolutions go for nothing. And then, little by little, they begin to understand that God's greatness is not to be measured by the yardstick of man's futility, that His eminently superior fatherhood chose to adopt the children of dust because of His infinite tenderness and the immensity of His grace, and not in return for the works of man or our efforts; that our adoption by God is a truth that has its source in God and not in ourselves, a truth that is ever present, that persists - in spite of our powerlessness and our sin - in witnessing to God's goodness and His generosity. In this way, their spiritual lukewarmness leads these souls to revise their concept of God fundamentally, and also their evaluation of the spiritual relations between the soul and God. This profoundly modifies their concept of effort and assiduousness in spiritual works. They no longer consider these things as the price of God's love, but as responses to His love and fatherly care."
So something, maybe to consider, my friend, is that you're reaching a point in your relationship with God where you are coming to start to appreciate that He loves you in spite of you, that it's not for your asceticism or hard work that you earn the love of God. you can't earn God's love, He already loves you. This is wonderful, it's actually a sign of growth. When the person starts to see this, it may make Him strive toward loving Him for Him and Him only. Not sure if I'm making any sense.
Regardless, having been through exactly what you are describing myself, I can say only, fear not! He's closer than you think.
At any rate, you are in my prayers and I hope that you will put me in yours as well.
You know what? I’m coming back. I will discipline myself tolisten to God’s commandment and conform my will to his. I will learn to strugglein prayer again and learn to cut this laziness out. I will learn to stop despairingabout the stupidest stuff that won’t matter. A year from now, I’ll look at whatI did, and say what was stopping me? Well, nothing was, nothing is.
Prayers do work. I’ve witnessed this in my life a lot, as Imsure everyone has. If I say anything other than that, then Im even more ignorantthan I already am. Because when anyone asks god for something, he won’t say no.He might not say yes right away, but eventually he will give us what wepetition for because he loves to give us (a few ppl helped remind me of this :).
Im still a sinner, and I’ll never be anything but a sinnerbut the difference between someone who walks a journey with God and one whodoesn’t really care is the willingness to rise everytime we fall, and the blindtrust in his power to guide us in this.
There’s nothing more to say. If I want to come closer toGod, then I just got to start doing it. He is there, and he showed me this. Andso, I got to focus on exactly that.
Pray for my weaknesses; pray that I can come back with allmy will, not partially.
(And I wont post anything personal anymore because it can beannoying to constantly do it on a public forum)