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MATURE TOPIC--REALLY NEED HELP!! PLEASE.
  • hello. i am not sure how to begin but i have a serious issue that's really getting out of control and i need a lot of help. i cannot approach my priest about it because i'm very embarrassed about it and i like this forum because it's anonymous :-[

    my problem has to do with BDSM. if you don't know what that is, i suggest you only look it up through Wikipedia, otherwise you might end up at some really bad sites, most of them porn sites. i'm not going to go through too much detail because i know there's a lot of kids on this website and if you are one of them, please do not read any more :(

    i see a psychologist on a regular basis and i also have issues discussing this with her. no one in my life knows about it at all. i don't know how to talk about it because i'm ashamed and think it's very weird. here's all i can say right now:

    it all started in fifth or sixth grade...i'm not sure how it started or what triggered it but that's when i first noticed something strange about myself. i liked reading about slaves and abused people in general and when i watched people get beaten on TV or in movies, it gave me a weird feeling inside, like i liked it or something...weird, i know, but i was young and i didn't understand anything.

    i didn't recognize it as a problem at all...i continued with these thoughts and feelings throughout the years, always feeling like there is something wrong with it but never knowing exactly what the problem is called or why i feel the way i feel or anything. throughout the years though, it progressed worse and worse. i began having violent dreams and even went so far as to create a dream world for myself where many things of what i now know is BDSM falls under. as i got older, again, it got worse and worse because i was becoming more and more sexual and i began having sexual fantasies that were violent, including my bf or future hubby beating me up or raping me, etc...

    about a year ago, i came across a movie called story of o...this movie was what really made it clear to me that the things i was experiencing was BDSM. i had never seen this movie before in my life but it was pretty much a lot of the dreams i was having...the brief story: women going to be trained for the service of men, they're beaten a lot and used sexually, there's also a lot of lesbianism involved. (i'm a girl, so this makes it even more weird).

    i have rarely had lesbian thoughts and that was in the past, i don't really have trouble with that anymore. but after that movie, after knowing exactly what my problem was, i felt like i only got deeper into my problem and kept getting deeper and deeper until now it's out of control. i watch porn sometimes but it does not affect me that much. when i see BDSM videos, somehow it turns me on and i cannot resist the urge to masturbate :'(

    i can't stop, i hate myself because of this so much and i'm very ashamed of myself. i'm not even sure if my priest has even dealt with this before...please help me!! :'(
  • Hey LordHaveMercyOnMe, I'm sorry to hear you're frustrated. Please go talk to your priest as soon as you can, you really need to get this issue out there. Trust me, priests have heard everything, they aren't shocked or surprised by anything you tell them. Sin is sin, it doesn't matter if it was cursing, lying, or seeking out gratification from bdsm. It is all the same, it is sin and it is keeping you from God and it will only get worse and you will feel more and more depressed as time goes on. You can't do this yourself, that's why we all have a Father of Confession (your priest), and even our Fathers of Confession have a Father of Confession, nobody goes through struggles with sin alone. Please talk to your priest, it's super embarrassing and I totally get it, but you will be so glad you got it out when you tell your priest. A small amount of embarrassment that will die off before you even finish confession and being guided and rid of your problems and finally seeing a way out of your struggle is worth so much more than not telling your priest and continue on living in sin and getting more and more depressed by the hour.

    You can also go on the internet and look up a church and find a priest, that you don't know, and give him a call and you can explain your issue to him and he'll guide you or comfort you to help you tell your father of confession, that way you are still anonymous.

    I will pray that things get better with you and I really hope that you talk to someone because just the fact that you posted here to get help means that you are a respectable girl and that you actually care about what's right. Please, you don't want your relationship with your future husband to be affected negatively because of messing around with bdsm, that's the last thing we'd want.

    Remember that God still loves you a lot, and it pains Him to see you use your freedom of choice to go against Him, He gave us priests for a reason and we should use them. I hope you feel better soon, and I want you to know that you aren't an evil person for getting these feelings, everybody has their "favorite" sin and we all struggle with it, but be strong and seek help.

    May God guide you and show you that there is a way out. Amen.
  • I agree with Geomike,

    You have to confront your priest. He is there not only to absolve you but to give you guidance like a spiritual coach. His advice can be what guides you out of your sin. Just remember that it may take some time to overcome, but never ever lose hope! Everyone struggles with sexual sins not just you.

    Be mindful of the fact that we are created in the image and likeness of God and anything that desecrates this image is harmful to us. My advice to you is to involve more spiritual activities throughout your day to counteract these thoughts and behaviors. Do you read your Bible daily? How about spiritual books? Prayer? Quiet time? Sermons? These things need to be done every single day. Only by getting closer to God will you leave your sin.
  • Dear LordHaveMercyOnMe,
    First of all I work as a psychiatrist so there are things I can't say here to you. You may pm me if you like. The important thing though is that you have to tell your psychologist and a priest, and it doesn't make a difference who first. The problem is growing with you and getting deeper, and the longer it goes on the harder it'll be for you to heal.
    It's embarrassing because the evil one makes it out to be so
    It's shocking because you say it is
    It's major because this is how you view it
    However it can be none of those things if you want to get rid of it. The big problem with porn sins is that it's pleasurable, yet wrong. One side can only be true in one's life. And for us Christians it's the latter. May God help you and help us all. At least I'm telling myself the same I'm telling you, so don't forget me in your prayers
    Oujai
  • geomike,
    thank you for taking the time to respond and thank you for your support, i appreciate it. i have been trying to get as much advice about this anonymously as i can and i think i want to be as honest with my foc as possible so he can better understand me and help me with my problems, it was suggested to me to just write it down and show it to him, i think i will do that, at least i don't have to say it out loud but he will know exactly what is wrong.

    yes, please do pray for me. that's the thing, whenever i have to fight my sexual urges, i think of God and my future husband but i think i screwed up my purity with masturbating...not using it as an excuse to continue just saying, but yeah thanks, i wouldn't want to mess it up further :(

    thank you very much for your support. God bless you.

    Amoussa01,
    thank you for your advice. unfortunately, ever since i got deeper into this sin, i have not been doing much of spiritual things at all, in fact, i used to go to church regularly and now i don't go to church for months at a time, same thing for communion, reading the Bible, etc.

    ophadece,
    thank you for you advice also. i will pm you. thank you.
  • My dear and beloved sister Lord Have Mercy,

    First of all i want to congradulate you "for letting out" something you have been holding in for some quite time. I know its difficult. I also appreciate that you turn to a spiritual site that is sheltered rather than going through wordly measures to find a solution.

    In ways to cut the chase i highly recommand to speak to a priest or bishop even its a random one. I do have the contact info of HG Bishop Mina of the diocess of Vancouver, Missasauga, and western Canada, Bishop David, Bishop Angelos, Bishop Micheal, and Bishop Youseff of Bolivia. My personal recommendation is Bishop Minas he is a kind hearted man who really cares. I also know him on more of a personal basis compared to the other bishops. But feel free to message me and i can send you their contact info rather than make it publciced. I have other contact info for many reverend fathers.

    My personal view is that everyone has their own fetishes and most of us are not honest with our selves. But my best sisterly advice is make your self busy. When you have tooo much lonely time these thoughts will be triggered and ofcourse can escalate. Now you do seem like a very nice women and innocent. Don't hate your self. I am not a psychologist so i dont know much about your issue. But if its best, phone me and i will give you cell #s of clergy so it will be more discrete

    God bless you my beloved sister
  • Dearest to Christ, My Sister LordHaveMercyOnMe,

    First of all, let me tell you that you are going to be all right.  :)

    Secondly, I'd also like to tell you that you're off to a great start.  Even your screen name is indicative of that.  Keep praying, and keep asking God for His mercy.  He will give it to you.  He will comfort you.  He loves you.  Whenever you pray, say the Kyrie Eleison (Lord Have Mercy) 41 times, and say the Jesus Prayer (Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner) as often as you can.

    Thirdly, don't stay away from Church.  Go as often as possible.  Take comfort in the Liturgy, all of the psalms and hymns that speak about God's mercy to us His flock.  You can go to confession and tell your priest that you are having problems with lust without going into graphic detail.  He will give you good advice.  Then you can receive.  The Body and Blood of Christ is something you need, not something to flee from.  Our Lord's Body and Blood are medicine for your wounded soul.

    My sister, let me tell you...the more you draw closer to God, the less you will want to sin.  You'll want to spend all of your time with Him and in His presence, in private prayer and in the Liturgy.  I know it's hard to believe right now, but one day, you'll be about to commit this sin yet again, and you'll feel you'd rather be praying.  God's mercy is greater than our sin.  He wants to be with you even more than you want to be with Him, and I know you want to be with Him because you are brave enough to bare your soul on this board for His sake.

    Finally, sister, if you're looking for someone to submit to, submit to God, our true Master, the most gentle Master there is, the only one worthy of the title.

    Please watch this video about trusting and submitting to God and His will in your life.  It is the lecture of H.G. Bishop David on Thursday August 22, 2013 at 7:57 PM.  Just scroll across to that date.

    http://elmaqar.org/cg/?q=node/46

    One last thing.  Know that from now on, I'll be praying for you, and I'm sure that others on this site will be as well. :)
  • [quote author=AntoniousNikolas link=topic=14606.msg165902#msg165902 date=1378938240]
    Dearest to Christ, My Sister LordHaveMercyOnMe,

    First of all, let me tell you that you are going to be all right.  :)

    Secondly, I'd also like to tell you that you're off to a great start.  Even your screen name is indicative of that.  Keep praying, and keep asking God for His mercy.  He will give it to you.  He will comfort you.  He loves you.  Whenever you pray, say the Kyrie Eleison (Lord Have Mercy) 41 times, and say the Jesus Prayer (Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner) as often as you can.

    Thirdly, don't stay away from Church.  Go as often as possible.  Take comfort in the Liturgy, all of the psalms and hymns that speak about God's mercy to us His flock.  You can go to confession and tell your priest that you are having problems with lust without going into graphic detail.  He will give you good advice.  Then you can receive.  The Body and Blood of Christ is something you need, not something to flee from.  Our Lord's Body and Blood are medicine for your wounded soul.

    My sister, let me tell you...the more you draw closer to God, the less you will want to sin.  You'll want to spend all of your time with Him and in His presence, in private prayer and in the Liturgy.  I know it's hard to believe right now, but one day, you'll be about to commit this sin yet again, and you'll feel you'd rather be praying.  God's mercy is greater than our sin.  He wants to be with you even more than you want to be with Him, and I know you want to be with Him because you are brave enough to bare your soul on this board for His sake.

    Finally, sister, if you're looking for someone to submit to, submit to God, our true Master, the most gentle Master there is, the only one worthy of the title.

    Please watch this video about trusting and submitting to God and His will in your life.  It is the lecture of H.G. Bishop David on Thursday August 22, 2013 at 7:57 PM.  Just scroll across to that date.

    http://elmaqar.org/cg/?q=node/46

    One last thing.  Know that from now on, I'll be praying for you, and I'm sure that others on this site will be as well. :)
    [/quote]

    Wonderful advice from a Blessed Brother :D I also will be praying for you dear sister! Know this: That there is not one sin that has the boldness to stand against the Blood of Christ. I will add my prayers to those of us on here. Like Antonios said, you are going to be more than OK!

    Ray
  • And I want to dominate but I have to get married first and maybe I can get better desires by being close to God and find a more joyful way and the real purpose of sex. I can begin to learn the purpose of sex by practicisng self control now. Otherwise both partners will never be happy until they recognise the real purpose. They can be happy outside of their sex life though so long as they really love God and others. Living for the flesh means not bearing much fruit to God and wasting energy that could be used for God
  • Hey LordHaveMercyOnME!

    Might I suggest a sermon for you? Find some time to listen to this sermon. I'm proud of you for opening up to a sensitive topic. Remember that God wants us to use His creation (including our bodies) for the reason he created it. I highly recommend this sermon for this topic. Find an Abouna, talk to him and don't worry! I'll be honest, it's not surprising to hear this in this day and age. We've become desensitized to many things because of the media. Remember you have the power to pull yourself out! Read this passage about Joseph (Genesis 39) . Amazing story everytime any undesirable thoughts come to mind for me. Joseph ran from any sexual immorality. Amazing really. God bless you, protect you and find what your looking for.

    Link to the sermon: http://orthodoxsermons.org/sermons/problem-lust

    P.S. I was in a similar situation as you and am doing fine now. It's possible as long as you set your mind to it!
  • LordHaveMercyOnMe,

    This may be a late reply, but better late than never :)

    I understand that many people in the world enjoy BDSM activities in sexual intercourse, and this is something worldwide across various cultures. I've heard from many people that both (or more) of the people engaging in BDSM sexual activities are doing so with consent, and do so because they find pleasure in being the dominant/submissive role. If everyone's happy, why not pursue this happiness?

    The only problem we'd have with that, as Christians, is from the moral perspective that BDSM does not respect the spouse in the relationship as a human person with free and equal dignity.

    Sex is meant to be an expression of love. True love is one that seeks not just the good of the other through pleasure, but also the freedom and equality of being united in one flesh.

    So, what I'm arguing here is that BDSM does not respect the dignity of a human person, created in the image of God. In the same way that we cannot be dominating over God, nor submissive to God to make use of our bodies in any way that pleases him (and eliminating our free will), so we should not seek to dominate other images of God, nor, being the image of God ourselves, be sexually submissive to dominant figures. Because there is this complex of domination/submission in BDSM sexuality, it will ultimately be an unhealthy relationship, because it does not begin nor end with mutual love.

    Now, there's a sermon by a Catholic priest named Henri Nouwen called "The Life of the Beloved." I highly suggest listening to it, to see what perspective I'm coming from and what I'm saying here in this post. Pay attention especially to the third part of the sermon, where he talks about relationships. Here's the link: http://youtu.be/ED04lAnWv3o
  • I don't understand. Why is masturbating a sin? What makes it sinful?
  • i don't think you have read ANY of the comments above....at least read this past one from Biboboy.
  • Minatasgeel, it didn't say anything about masturbating.
  • You are right. That specific comment didn't have any info. But let's put it this way. masturbation is a sexual act. Any sexual act uses your body and mind in the wrong way, meaning outside the regular action of intercourse int he correct way (within a God-blessed marriage) is a sin. Christ clearly says that even thinking of a woman in your mind is a sin...now compare that with masturbation.

    That's the short answer. read through the comments to learn more churchboy. 


  • Dear LordHaveMercyOnMe,



    This may be some time after the fact but I will write this
    anyway for the chance that it might be of any help. Of course as has already
    been stated if you have not already then go and seek the counsel of a priest and
    involve yourself in the life of the church, however there is a point that seems
    to have been missed here.  I would advise
    you to look into the churches ancient teachings on marital relations, there I
    believe you will find the truth of what you are looking for. To start Saint
    John Chrysostomos’ homily on Ephesians 5:22-24 is a bit of a read but I would recommend
    it.  



    Here’s a link.



    http://newadvent.org/fathers/230120.htm





Memorial for HH Pope Shenouda

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