hello. i am not sure how to begin but i have a serious issue that's really getting out of control and i need a lot of help. i cannot approach my priest about it because i'm very embarrassed about it and i like this forum because it's anonymous :-[
my problem has to do with BDSM. if you don't know what that is, i suggest you only look it up through Wikipedia, otherwise you might end up at some really bad sites, most of them porn sites. i'm not going to go through too much detail because i know there's a lot of kids on this website and if you are one of them, please do not read any more :(
i see a psychologist on a regular basis and i also have issues discussing this with her. no one in my life knows about it at all. i don't know how to talk about it because i'm ashamed and think it's very weird. here's all i can say right now:
it all started in fifth or sixth grade...i'm not sure how it started or what triggered it but that's when i first noticed something strange about myself. i liked reading about slaves and abused people in general and when i watched people get beaten on TV or in movies, it gave me a weird feeling inside, like i liked it or something...weird, i know, but i was young and i didn't understand anything.
i didn't recognize it as a problem at all...i continued with these thoughts and feelings throughout the years, always feeling like there is something wrong with it but never knowing exactly what the problem is called or why i feel the way i feel or anything. throughout the years though, it progressed worse and worse. i began having violent dreams and even went so far as to create a dream world for myself where many things of what i now know is BDSM falls under. as i got older, again, it got worse and worse because i was becoming more and more sexual and i began having sexual fantasies that were violent, including my bf or future hubby beating me up or raping me, etc...
about a year ago, i came across a movie called story of o...this movie was what really made it clear to me that the things i was experiencing was BDSM. i had never seen this movie before in my life but it was pretty much a lot of the dreams i was having...the brief story: women going to be trained for the service of men, they're beaten a lot and used sexually, there's also a lot of lesbianism involved. (i'm a girl, so this makes it even more weird).
i have rarely had lesbian thoughts and that was in the past, i don't really have trouble with that anymore. but after that movie, after knowing exactly what my problem was, i felt like i only got deeper into my problem and kept getting deeper and deeper until now it's out of control. i watch porn sometimes but it does not affect me that much. when i see BDSM videos, somehow it turns me on and i cannot resist the urge to masturbate :'(
i can't stop, i hate myself because of this so much and i'm very ashamed of myself. i'm not even sure if my priest has even dealt with this before...please help me!! :'(