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no desire for life
  • Everyday I wish my life would end. Regardless of whether I'm having a good day or not. There is no time when I ever feel any attachment to life..I would happily walk away from it all.

    I don't know what's wrong, I've had these feelings for years..they just get stronger over time. It's like I gave up on life since I was very young and growing up doesn't seem to resolve anything.

    It's not that I want to escape responsibility, because so far if I may say so myself, I have been working hard, passing exams, getting into college. But I never enjoy life. Nothing makes me happy. To me life is a chore and when it is up to me I'd rather go home and stay there and do nothing.

    I go to sleep wishing that I wouldn't wake up in the morning and I get through everyday by looking forward to sleep because It's the only relief I get.

    It's a stupid phrase to say but I wish I never existed...life to me isn't as valuable as I should be viewing it. I find myself praying that god would just end my life because "i've had enough" and I think that's so bad that it would be better to not pray at all.

  • sounds like yr medically depressed.
    many people go through depressing times, a good example is elijah (see his story in the book of kings).
    God gave him the strength to keep on going and to endure suffering from king ahab, and eventually he was taken up in a chariot to be with God without death.
    but he was the one who moaned to God 'they are trying to kill me' and ran away and hid in a cave instead of bravely staying where he was.

    so God can use all of us, and sometime those who have passed through long hard times are those who were used to declare God's love and His power to very many people.
    may God give u peace and strength, and pray for me too, a sinner.
  • maybe routine has made life loose its purpose.
    remember that everyday, you have a purpose; God would never allow a day in which you roamed aimlessly on the earth without purpose. maybe you dont realize your purpose, but you have one.

    the universe wouldnt be the same without you...because there's only ONE of you!

    so anyways, try not to live in routine, like waking up & doing the same exact things.
    and remember the famous saying, im not sure how it goes but it's something like "a day without God is a day lost"
    NEVER  forget that He loves you, because that's what makes all the difference.
    feel better my fellow brother/sister!
  • It would also help if you constantly reminded yourself of your purpose in life: to live for our Lord.

    It's not your life you're living, it's His.
  • All the above are good replies..

    I do not know the reasons that led you to think this way, it could be a bad habit of unusual logic or an indirect sticky idea suggested from too much sorrow, or feeling guilty, or caused by a lack of life purposes or goals.

    If you pray to God then you are aware that you have a soul. You know, our souls do not simply die when our bodies do. In other words the soul will never be annihilated, it will rise again with a different body.

    Praying this way can be considered inappropriate, it looks like you're complaining against God's grace and wisdom, because He is the one who created us. The Lord promised to be beside us during life, to save us, to grant us eternal life with Him, not to endure further suffering in our after life - so you'd stand firm in your faith and ask Him for more support, love and help others as He commanded and during your prayers thank Him for all things.

    I'd like to help but I think we all need to know more details. For ex. do you think you can have a realistic and achievable target? would you pick an ideal personality, a saint, a writer, a composer, etc. whose works you might admire?

    GBU
  • I don't want to be anything special. I just want to have a semi normal life.

    My feelings caused me to become socially withdrawn and it has reached the point where I dread going to places/events because I end up sitting alone and find everything awkward..

    I don't prefer to be alone but I find that I don't have a choice. I feel like a stranger everywhere I go
    outside my house and I recognise that this isn't normal or healthy. but I worry that it may be too late for my lifestyle to change now.

    it was suggested that I see a doctor in case I am experiencing depression but even though I am aware it is a possibility, it is not in my interest to have mental health issues on my medical record so I would rather not do that.
  • I don't know what's wrong, I've had these feelings for years..they just get stronger over time. It's like I gave up on life since I was very young and growing up doesn't seem to resolve anything.


    mnc_hnn,

    I think I am beginning to grasp the problem, at least partly and I think it's not really your fault. I mean you're responsible about only 10% of the situation not all of it. There are great hopes for you, knowing also your good faith.

    You can take responsibilities very well if you want to or when it's necessary to do so. The hint came from another post of yours. You are very intelligent and very kind.

    Somehow the stress of changing countries, environment, your friends and your ideals was very demanding and was possibly against your wish and it was refused by you - since it's contrary to how you were raised till you were 12 - you found yourself forced to face a very different, newer life style you dislike - you're fully entitled to have your own view.

    You tried to cope while feeling unhappy, kind of reluctantly. While time passed by you disliked the big change, you gradually 'lost the taste' of many graces, legally good things in life, then further shunned yourself at home: the environment being still socially not appealing. Perhaps even less appealing with time - because while growing you gain more knowledge, wisdom and a better judgment: in fact you can have actually totally correct opinions though, so you continue to refuse complying to what you consider inappropriate. At the same time the society you live in can be inconsiderate, rude, aggressive and even dangerous at times - but they cannot harm you indefinitely, you know: God is everywhere so He is there near by too.

    If you think my understanding is close, my advice to you is to relax your strict ideals without compromising God's commandments. You are strong and you have good assets, pray a lot and with the Lord's grace and under His protection you will be able to mingle more and more without losing what you value. God can use you to help many people silently.

    Flip this page and open a brand new one. Results in life are rarely immediate but with good will and perseverance God opens many good doors and helps us during our life struggles. You can love others without fear, though you don't have to trust people 100% at all, and do not expect them to be thinking like you do, everybody is different and has a different formation.

    May Christ be with you.
    Would you please reply your feedback?

    GBU
  • You need a vacation...a spiritual one.

    Sometimes when the noise in our hearts accumulates over time, and we get so overwhelmed and stressed out, we just want to explode and want it to go away. Life becomes boring, mundane, and ordinary. And when the feeling of routine doesn't go away, we get tired of this life and it becomes a chore rather than an opportunity. 

    But don't lose hope, this is curable.

    Find a quiet place. Somewhere quiet and serene, like a lake, a quiet Church, somewhere where there is no way for the busyness of the world to enter.

    And when your external environment is quiet, then you'll be able to relax the internal environment of your soul. Do the hours of the Agpeya, pray and cry out to God, meditate on books by the Saints, and really pour out your heart to God. Open up your Holy Bible and read to God His holy words of life.

    Let the fountain of your soul pour out to God. "Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you" (Psalm 55:22).

    By doing this, the peace of God will be restored within you, and you will be able to carry that peace when you go back into the world.

    When life gets boring again, do it again. This way, you will always have a special place to heal your soul.

    God is able to calm the storms within our hearts; all we need to do is retreat from the world and enter into His hands.

    I pray that your soul finds rest.

    +++
  • I can relate to what you are saying but you are not quite right, i wasn't forced to leave Egypt and I wasn't happy there to begin with. But one thing I remember is that these feelings of general unhappiness started in Egypt and got worse over time.

    I do find the world scary but I am not religiously strict as to prevent myself from enjoying opportunities in life..I just find that I am socially limited and completely avoid any risk-taking.

    The idea of retreating isn't new to me..at school I preferred to 'hide' in the chapel at breaks and lunch times..I felt more comfortable being in a quiet place..but that eventually impacted on any chance of making friends. I generally choose quiet places..tend to just sit there while everybody joins in the conversations. I find that I don't have much to say/ talk about. Though at the moment I don't have the time to go anywhere quiet (during the day) and my evenings are spent alone in my bedroom..studying or passing time with YouTube videos :/
  • [quote author=mnc_hnn link=topic=12503.msg146765#msg146765 date=1319749867]
    I do find the world scary but I am not religiously strict as to prevent myself from enjoying opportunities in life..I just find that I am socially limited and completely avoid any risk-taking.
    [/quote]

    Why not find some like-minded friends? There is nothing wrong with that. People need other people. Even the monks help each other in the monastery.

    The only way to break out of this social problem is to start talking...about anything. Why be afraid? Maybe you'll learn something new from the other person; and the other person will probably learn something from you. As long as you know that God is with you, there is no need to fear what people may say to you.

    [quote author=mnc_hnn link=topic=12503.msg146765#msg146765 date=1319749867]
    The idea of retreating isn't new to me..at school I preferred to 'hide' in the chapel at breaks and lunch times..I felt more comfortable being in a quiet place..but that eventually impacted on any chance of making friends.
    [/quote]

    It is good that you know how to retreat...because most people don't. People don't know how to sit down with themselves anymore. So, its a very good quality as a matter of fact. It is good that you know how to spend quality time with God, and you should value that.

    But, you don't need to retreat or "hide" all the time. Don't overdue it to the point where you don't interact with anyone else. We live in the world, we are not monastics.

    You probably help out at Church. Expand your circle of friends a little. If you serve in Church, why not hang out with other good servants? Join another service at Chruch and hang out with the people in it. Help out with summer camp. Assist with Sunday School. Go on retreats. 

    [quote author=mnc_hnn link=topic=12503.msg146765#msg146765 date=1319749867]
    Though at the moment I don't have the time to go anywhere quiet (during the day) and my evenings are spent alone in my bedroom..studying or passing time with YouTube videos :/
    [/quote]

    Do the personal retreat thing once a week. You don't have to do it every single day. Once a week, maybe on a weekend, at different venues.

    Try to find ways to make your day more varied. Listen to a different sermon everyday, use a prayer rope in between classes. Go out to lunch with some friends.

    You don't have to study in the same room everyday. Go to Starbucks. Get your favorite frapuccino while studying. Or study with a friend.

    You need something different everyday so that it doesn't become a static routine...spice it up a little.

    Besides, aren't your studies going to pay off soon? Isn't your career going to come along? Things will be changing faster than you think...

    +++
  • [quote author=mnc_hnn link=topic=12503.msg146765#msg146765 date=1319749867]
    I find that I don't have much to say/ talk about.
    [/quote]

    What?! 1753 posts say otherwise! I'm pretty sure the thoughts and opinions in your posts can come out of your mouth too!

    +++
  • [quote author=✞TheGodChrist✞ link=topic=12503.msg146769#msg146769 date=1319760964]
    [quote author=mnc_hnn link=topic=12503.msg146765#msg146765 date=1319749867]
    I find that I don't have much to say/ talk about.
    [/quote]

    What?! 1753 posts say otherwise! I'm pretty sure the thoughts and opinions in your posts can come out of your mouth too!

    +++
    [/quote]

    Hahaha! I'm with TheGodChrist on this one.

    Besides, most people have nothing to say which is why they talk about nonsense and gossip.

    It saddens me to read about your situation. I don't say that out of pity but because it points to a greater problem. The problems of loneliness should not exist in a church. People should not feel left out or that there is no one to talk to. It defeats the point of being a church when we are disconnected. What kind of body exists in which its parts never interact?
  • [quote author=Andrew link=topic=12503.msg146771#msg146771 date=1319761598]
    The problems of loneliness should not exist in a church. People should not feel left out or that there is no one to talk to. It defeats the point of being a church when we are disconnected. What kind of body exists in which its parts never interact?
    [/quote]

    Great point.

    +++
  • [quote author=Andrew link=topic=12503.msg146771#msg146771 date=1319761598]
    [quote author=✞TheGodChrist✞ link=topic=12503.msg146769#msg146769 date=1319760964]
    [quote author=mnc_hnn link=topic=12503.msg146765#msg146765 date=1319749867]
    I find that I don't have much to say/ talk about.
    [/quote]

    What?! 1753 posts say otherwise! I'm pretty sure the thoughts and opinions in your posts can come out of your mouth too!

    +++
    [/quote]

    Great point andrrew....

    as for the topic at hand try seeking the lord in prayer and be patient with Him he always answers!!!

    Hahaha! I'm with TheGodChrist on this one.

    Besides, most people have nothing to say which is why they talk about nonsense and gossip.

    It saddens me to read about your situation. I don't say that out of pity but because it points to a greater problem. The problems of loneliness should not exist in a church. People should not feel left out or that there is no one to talk to. It defeats the point of being a church when we are disconnected. What kind of body exists in which its parts never interact?
    [/quote]
  • This is the temptation of the devil. Be closer to God then only you can love life. Life is designed by God. You love life only if you would see it in the eyes that God is going to give you.
  • I also noticed that everyone seems to be excited about Christmas (western/Coptic) but I don't feel anything. Have I completely stopped enjoying everything? or maybe not everything...since i get these episodes of binge eating that I can't resist even though I may not be hungry...still stuffing myself.

    I still laugh...shallow fake laughter at jokes or comedy. nobody around me is noticing anything because no one is concerned otherwise they would have brought it to my attention. So I don't look miserable to anyone (which is good since at least i'm not embarrassing myself.
  • Maybe you've just forgotten how precious you are. It happens to us all from time to time.

    Just ask yourself why you're not happy.

    Honestly, if you go through the facts you'll realise that not only do you not have any reason to be unhappy, you should be the happiest person in the world:

    You're the daughter of a king... not bad for starters ay  ;D

    And this king isn't just any king, he's THE KING OF KINGS. He created the whole universe - everything is his.

    Yep, the most powerful, most loving, most benevolent Being has adopted you as a daughter.

    He didn't just decide to adopt you though, he created the whole world and everything in it for your pleasure. He made the sky to put a roof above your head, the ground so that you could walk on, the sun to give you light and warmth by day, trees to give forth fruit to feed you, animals to provide for your needs... I could literally go on forever.

    He wasn't just content with adopting you though - He loved you so much that he died for you. And now you have life here on Earth, and an eternal life awaiting you afterwards.

    "So what?" I hear you say, "How does that stop me from being unhappy? It's all irrelevant."

    He has blessed you with so, so many blessings that you might have forgotten about.

    Do you have need of any material or immaterial thing? Do you need or want anything at all?

    YOU CAN HAVE IT! Just ask and you will be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you.

    Do you ever feel alone? Do you ever need someone to lean on? Or someone to ask advice or help from?

    You aren't ever alone! He is there, always waiting to listen to anything at all you might have to say. The Holy Spirit dwells within you - he is literally with you, always.

    Do you want to feel satisfied, in the way that the world cannot provide?

    He is the fountain of living water, the Bread of Life. He is the only one that can completely satisfy you, and he is always there for when you need him!

    There are so many blessings in your life (and in everybody's lives) that He has given you. Your family who love you, your friends who are loyal to you, your mind, your Coptic heritage, your eyes, your health, your intellect... and the list goes on.

    My dear sister, please don't be unhappy - you have every reason not to  :D
  • mnc_hnn, are you away for college? maybe being away from your family is increasing to your depression.

    but anyways, like Andrew said, you can always find comfort and refuge in your church. i know almost every famous college have a small population of copts...join a coptic society or something...get to know people, even if the common grounds are church
  • wow...same exact feeling...
  • No I'm not away for college..I commute
    No there is no coptic group I'm one of two copts in the uni
  • i hope i die soon
  • ugh i know how you feel mnc_hnn, sometmes i just dont see the point of living this life

    but on the bright side, there's an advantage to being in your posiition. not being surrounded by people friends & family lets you focus on your relationship with God...
    trust me, i find it so hard to stay close to God when im constantly socializing
  • God will deliver you in the appropriate time. Even though you might not know, but God knows whats best for you. He only wants to see you happy. So be happy :)

  • +[quote author=mnc_hnn link=topic=12503.msg147869#msg147869 date=1321995421]
    i hope i die soon
    [/quote]
    Renew your thoughts. If a thought comes to you or you formulate those thoughts from circumstances, change it.
    Instead of saying 'I hope I die soon', replace it with 'I can't wait to see what God has planned for my life, as I get up this morning I KNOW there's an adventure from God's very hands waiting for me! He's done so many wonderful things already to my life, but I haven't been paying attention.'
    Instead of "my life is the worst", say, "thank You God."

    God spoils us a lot. He has planned our lives to the very detail, He has made creation for our sake, He came and died for our sake, He is preparing a place for us in Heaven.. Why would the Master be serving His servants? Shouldn't the servants be serving their Master.. Why do we 'demand' that our lives should be better, when we already know that it is in God's life-giving and unblemished Hands. What we should be saying is 'God, I thank You for all things, I don't know what to ask from You after all You do.. You know my weakness/es. You know what I need but I will ask You anyway out of obedience to Your commandment.. You deserve all things. I love You, my heart is in Your hands." That's it.

    [quote author=mnc_hnn link=topic=12503.msg146765#msg146765 date=1319749867]
    I do find the world scary but I am not religiously strict as to prevent myself from enjoying opportunities in life..I just find that I am socially limited and completely avoid any risk-taking.
    [/quote]

    Find the root cause/s as to why you don't communicate with people - The little foxes that prevent you from growth.
    Then..
    Get out of your comfort zone. Develop a social life, put in the effort.. It won't come overnight, strong relationships develop by time. Be a friend to all - the elderly, the adults, the people your age, the children. Love and accept them with patience.

    [quote author=ForeverYours link=topic=12503.msg147881#msg147881 date=1322003174]
    ugh i know how you feel mnc_hnn, sometmes i just dont see the point of living this life

    but on the bright side, there's an advantage to being in your posiition. not being surrounded by people friends & family lets you focus on your relationship with God...
    trust me, i find it so hard to stay close to God when im constantly socializing
    [/quote]
    God wants you to love Him and love others.
    "..Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” - Matt. 22:36-40

    Give others time, as you give to God. There needs to be a balance. You serve God anyways when you serve others.

    Did you know 6 out of the 10 commandments have to do with the relationships we have we people..


Memorial for HH Pope Shenouda

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