I've missed this place, it's been quite the while since I've logged in. But, I've been recently browsing these forums seeing what other people have to say.
Well, I'll reveal a bit about myself: My name is Khas, I'll only reveal my real name through PM and ask for it to be kept confidential.
Here's what has happened since I last posted here:
I was depressed starting the middle of a Calculus I exam back in December 2012 and it lasted, worsened and got better, till June 2013. I was lonely, had no friends or anyone to really talk to at all (I was actually wallowing about girls, but in the end, it was rooted with friends) and I felt the following: I got depressed, felt suicidal (was about a few nanometers from killing myself a couple times), had horrible memory and learning abilities (yet I still pulled through because I might be intelligent). I was being anti-social even though I wanted to talk to people, and I made horrible decisions.
At around May, June, July and August (Summer 2013), I began making friends, talking to people, improving myself and becoming a better person. I took it upon myself to initiate a programme of self development and progress in living an awesome life. I've accelerated the pace when I began reading about things I'm very weak about in November, 2013.
I mentioned I have problems meeting people and especially talking to girls. Not anymore. I've met hundreds of people, and lots of girls, and am sometimes so smooth and stress-free that the interactions seem to be completely out of my hand and super natural (which is a good thing, according to what I'm reading now). I've had girls like me, but because (from experience) girls are passive and the sexual-defender in most cases, they never initiate anything, and it's always up to me (which I'm glad as it puts a lot of power in my hand... I'd hate to be rejecting these wonderful ladies all the time because I'm not interested).
Ended up asking a girl, "There's one thing I want to ask you. If I asked if you wanted to come out with me for a coffee, a walk down Old Montreal, a movie... a date... If I asked you out, would you say yes?" She didn't say no, she said yes. Then I explained myself, and told her that at this point in my life I'm not ready for it, in a unique way, unique to our relationship. She understood more than anything, and I could feel it.
Alright, that's not all. I'm in the process of reading a lot to become well-read (I love reading), I've gotten an awesome job in Montreal, QC, have successfully convinced my parents to move out (finally), living an awesome life here, I'm almost always in a happy state of mind. I can see the effects. My memory has returned, I'm watching shows and movies, becoming more knowledgable, able to connect with all sorts of people. I'm knowing when to talk, what to talk about, and where to go to meet the people who will make my life in that moment.
I'm discovering who Khas really is (feels awkward using that name, haha). What I like, who I like, what I want to do, what I am passionate about. And it seems to be that the science program I'm in isn't going to cut it. But, I've been revealed to a pretty awesome pathway which I'm following to bring me to the leadership position I want to be in. I'm a hard worker, I'm a passionate, growing and eccentric young man, and I realized one of my life missions is to be charismatic and spread something I really want to spread: a spark of curiosity. Contact me for more information, this is a million words on its own, we'll have an e-coffee date and discuss it.
One thing I've realized. I need to be able to handle the negative emotions I encounter. They're not going to disappear. I will feel lonely, sad, upset, angry, disgusted, whatever the emotion may be, but I need to take it, deal with it in some way, and move past it. That's really why I'm here. I felt lonely here. I felt like the people at work aren't for me, they keep making me upset, and they aren't adding to my happiness. Maybe one guy, and I really like him, he really is helping me a lot, and I like hanging out with him. But, others just get me feeling down. Sometimes, the frontal cortex cannot fight against the more primitive parts of the brain that controls emotion and feeling, but I've been trying to control it. What do I do in this case?
My issue is that I'm not developing rapport with them. I'm trying to be social with them but it's not working. They're not returning their end of the deal, and I find it hard to put in my two cents into the conversation. I feel lonely around them. I feel alone, feeling of depression, because I think without even thinking, "am I really that bad of a socializer? Maybe I'll never get good at it and never meet a girl who will like me because I just suck at talking." But I know that's not true, it's just hard to not feel that way sometimes.
I've gotten from the point of being a fat, facial-haired, un-groomed, no style, no sense of anything, anti-social, unhygienic boy... in one year, to a well-dressed, highly groomed, fit (somewhat ripped to shreds), social happy young man... all in one blasted year.
It's been one year since I've pulled through this, thank God. I'm here to celebrate this year with all of you. I'm exactly 20 years old now and what better way to celebrate than with the return of a prodigal son?