Something bad....MATURE TOPIC=MATURE PEOPLE ONLY

edited December 2010 in Personal Issues
     
     Okay so last night i was at a party with a couple of my friends, and they were all drunk and i was not, i was just there. Except for this one girl who was also there from before that was not drunk also. Me and this girl are good friends and we knew each other from before. On this night we were all in my friends room and we were just laying in his bed laughing and making jokes (all of us). Then i went to go sit on his floor, and suddenly i dont quite remember how

[Moderated: The poster has committed a sexual sin, the details have been removed]


I really REALLY am going crazy, and randomly when i think about what i did i go crazy, my mind just gets black and i start getting angry and upset. I am the biggest contradiction on earth....I know so much about the church, i know so much alhan, i go to any service there is at church, and i still go out and do this? it doesnt make sense to me.

All i am asking is what can i do, i cant take communion, i cant go to liturgy, and i cant step into church. Not untill i have taken confession. And even still i know that when i take confession i will still feel just as dirty. Please PLEASEE someone help me i am lost, and i have no clue as to what i am doing anymore because i cant live my life as a contradiction anymore, i cant. I want to cry sometimes but i just cant i dont know why.

I know this is a long post, but please someone bear with me. I am a horrible person and all i am asking for is 5 minutes of your time to help me. Thanks in advance

Comments

  • This "contradiction" is just human nature. I hate it, but it's in all of us. You may not know what got into you, but you know how you got into the situation itself, so the first thing I would do is avoid those kinds of parties because nothing good can come out of them. That may be the only way to truly avoid something like that happening again. And when you pray, ask God for forgiveness, and ask Him to open your heart so that when you do go to confession you can be utterly and sincerely repentant. If you go into it like that, you should feel more at ease by the time you come out. From there, just follow whatever your FOC tells you to do.

    Also, be careful not to allow any guilt or shame or anything else you're feeling because of this to inhibit your relationship with God, as unbearable as it may be at times. Don't let it keep you from praying or doing any of the other things you do to maintain your relationship with Him, because it is pretty much a given that the devil will use that as a ploy to get you away from the church.
  • I know how you feel, and it's a good sign that you feel really bad because if you don't feel bad then you know something is wrong. Now you need to force yourself into confession and tell your FOC what happened no matter how embarassed you will be. It's better to be embarassed now than on Judgement day. We will all pray that God will have mercy upon you. Also, if you read the Wisdom of Sirach, it said that you should never be alone with a girl while alcohol is present for this will cause many problems, just remember that for future reference. We all have sinned and done shameful things. Sin is sin, no sin is greater than another even though it seems it is. Go straight to your FOC and confess! May God have mercy on us all.


    Please Father take care of our brother and have mercy upon him and guide him to your rest. Amen.
  • Hello The _worst,
                          I will quote from a book of the Coptic calender I get every year, I love the quotes from the fathers, it doesn't always say which father, but that's ok.

                      "When you fear people, you start hiding things, and this leads to hypocrisy. When you fear GOD alone, you need no one else; and you can boldly witness for Christ."
                        For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, nor hidden that will not be knowen. Luke 12:2
                 
                    We should not fear people but GOD only. When we sin, alot of the time we fear people; what they think and so on.

                I would like to make a point about maturity. It was mentioned previously about human nature being the reason for contradiction. I myself feel this is a cop-out as we can make decisions on what we can do and not do. If we're always being obedient since we were young because of our love to GOD and parents then our decisions are very easy. Our parents aren't always right but generally they want what is best for you.

                      What GOD is doing for us is for our edification; that is to teach us how to morally improve ourselves.

                For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man. Able also to bridle the whole body.
                  Indeed, we put bits in horses mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body.  James 3:2-3

            So I guess, how do we make decisions that go against how we feel when they're contradicting each other? What we're aiming for is a good conscience, since your conscience relates to how you feel and your decision making. You know when you have a bad conscience and you feel as though you are making a wrong decision. So if you're going to be obedient against a sin then don't you consciously say "no" to yourselve?

            But above all, my brethen,do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your "Yes" be "Yes, and your "No," No," lest you fall into judgment.  James 5: 12.

                I pray for you that you are able to overcome the difficultly of fighting sin and that our Lord Jesus Christ gives you the wisdom to protect yourselve in what you share with other people.
                       
  • All I can say is a very simple point as it relates to so many figures in the Bible.

    Identify the wrong in the situation;
    Feel remorse;
    Present the sin to the priest;
    Do penance;
    Present for the Eucharist.

    Contrast the hopelessness of Judas vs. the previous steps as they related to St. Peter.

    There is nothing beyond the Mercy of God, as long as we reach for It [His Mercy].
  • [quote author=Joshuaa link=topic=10274.msg125326#msg125326 date=1293227303]
                 I would like to make a point about maturity. It was mentioned previously about human nature being the reason for contradiction. I myself feel this is a cop-out as we can make decisions on what we can do and not do. If we're always being obedient since we were young because of our love to GOD and parents then our decisions are very easy.


    I was saying that simply based on observations on the people I come in contact with, not as a justification for wrong-doing. I agree with everything you've said, but I think that contradicting nature is certainly there.
  • Ah - I can see myself in that exact situation! loving the church so much but still being consumed by this sin! Lord have mercy on us all. The mistakes we have all made are behind us, what matters now is how we go forward. The devil is strong and his traps are everywhere.
    "Saint Anthony saw the traps that were laid down by the devils, so he threw himself on the ground before God and cried out saying, 'Lord, who can be saved from these traps?' Then he heard a voice saying, 'the humble shall be saved from them. '"
  • Thank you all for your advice, and your prayers. Please do not stop praying for me. But what is bugging me the most is that i feel like i cant do these things anymore, how can i sing the words of the seraphim and the cherubim from the same mouth? Taking communion again will be hard for me but i will surely do it, but if you think about it....Why am i allowed to take communion after what i just did? maybe the love of God? his mercy? i have no clue why i am allowed.

    All in all, how do i come to this point of repentance where i feel as if i truly repented...how can i come to this point, during prayer, when i cry because of this sin. How do i ask for forgiveness; i feel like i have done this so many times that it just becomes routine...When i think about this sin outside of church i get very upset, and i become very distraught. But during prayer, during my metonias i do not feel anything. I feel like its okay, i feel no type of remorse except for the remorse i force upon myself. How can i make my metonias meaningful, i already bury my face into the ground repeating "my Lord Jesus Christ have mercy upon me a sinner". And yet they do not feel meaningful.

    please pray for me.
  • I think I know exactly what you are experiencing.

    Just a couple Sundays ago our Abouna was talking about repentance. He said the first step is to believe that he loves you more than you're capable of loving at all. You must be firm in that conviction, because it is true. God made himself a HUMAN and DIED FOR YOU. When you pray, just let your heart do the talking. Clearly, you have a desire to rid yourself of this sin. Just be frank about it- tell Him how you feel and how you want it gone, because it's only through His guidance that that will happen.
  • My brother "The_worst",

    True repentance is to sum it up reversing your tracks (ie. doing a 180). True repentance is where you feel remorse that you have upset the Perfect God who has not ceased to care for you nor to love you with his limitless love. It is hard to describe in all honesty. I think the best thing to do is to be honest with God and pour out everything before Him. If you don't know how to repent, ask Him that He may teach you.

    Also Look at the example of King David's repentance:
    Psalm 6

    1 O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
             Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.
    2 Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak;
             O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.
    3 My soul also is greatly troubled;
             But You, O LORD—how long?
             
    4 Return, O LORD, deliver me!
             Oh, save me for Your mercies’ sake!
    5 For in death there is no remembrance of You;
             In the grave who will give You thanks?
    6 I am weary with my groaning;
             All night I make my bed swim;
             I drench my couch with my tears.
    7 My eye wastes away because of grief;
             It grows old because of all my enemies.
    8 Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity;
             For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping.
    9 The LORD has heard my supplication;
             The LORD will receive my prayer.
    10 Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly troubled;
             Let them turn back and be ashamed suddenly.

    Also look at Psalm 50(51 in the NKJV). It is a Psalm of David after Nathan went to him.
  • Hello

    I would just like to quote some people: 

    "God is merciful before a fall, inexorable after - so the demons say."
    The Ladder of Divine Ascent (by John Climacus)

    This means that God the almighty is ALL merciful BEFORE & AFTER a fall.

    "Be courageous in God, and do not get desperate… Do not get desperate however powerful the wars of the devil are. [b]Do not get desperate[/b] no matter how many times you fall and forget the commandments and fail in your practices. ...Say to yourself, “...Even If I fall a hundred times on the way, I shall rise and proceed on my way… I shall never accept despair because it is from the devil.”
    Diabolic Wars (by H.H. Pope Shenouda lll)

    I strongly recomend, a short read, the book "Return to God" by H.H Pope Shenouda http://www.orthodoxebooks.org/node/35 (you can even download it).
    This book REALLY helped me, just try reading it with depth, zeal and emotion (ask God for these qualities, to help you return to him). I remember once H.H Pope Shenouda once during a sermon said that, God wants any excuse for us to return to him. Even if one tear falls out of our eyes, he quickly ceases it and uses it to facilitate our return to him. But i think your tear(s) have to be tears of repentance. 
    If you really don't have much time to read then just start reading from chapter 2. Chapter one speaks more about the seriousness & consequences of sin, but Chapter 2 deals with how WE REUTRN TO GOD, so that God can RETRUN TO US.

    Please remember me in your prayers. 
  • Honestly, after reading your post, I respect you very greatly. There are people in your situation who, if they felt bad, would try to justify what they did rather than coming clean and repenting and confessing and accepting what has happened for what it is and moving on.

    You have done that, and you seem very ready to confess and move on, as you seem in repentance. As others have said, nothing good can come from these types of parties. If we pray to God not to lead us into temptation, we likewise should not lead ourselves into places or situations of temptation, knowing our weakness.

    God bless you and please never lose hope, nothing is so great or worth it as to keep us away from the Love of God and the warm, motherly embrace of the Church.

    Pray for me.
  • [quote author=anba bola link=topic=10274.msg125358#msg125358 date=1293312419]
    My brother "The_worst",

    OP = brother or sister?
  • They moderated the original post, but he's a dear brother.
  • Thank you all so much for your time and effort. I have recently confessed and I do feel a lot better now because of the advice from abouna, you guys, and the desert fathers  ;D

    [quote author=Chirsts' servant link=topic=10274.msg125368#msg125368 date=1293335770]
    Hello

    I would just like to quote some people: 

    "God is merciful before a fall, inexorable after - so the demons say."
    The Ladder of Divine Ascent (by John Climacus)

    This means that God the almighty is ALL merciful BEFORE & AFTER a fall.

    "Be courageous in God, and do not get desperate… Do not get desperate however powerful the wars of the devil are. [b]Do not get desperate[/b] no matter how many times you fall and forget the commandments and fail in your practices. ...Say to yourself, “...Even If I fall a hundred times on the way, I shall rise and proceed on my way… I shall never accept despair because it is from the devil.”
    Diabolic Wars (by H.H. Pope Shenouda lll)

    I strongly recomend, a short read, the book "Return to God" by H.H Pope Shenouda http://www.orthodoxebooks.org/node/35 (you can even download it).
    This book REALLY helped me, just try reading it with depth, zeal and emotion (ask God for these qualities, to help you return to him). I remember once H.H Pope Shenouda once during a sermon said that, God wants any excuse for us to return to him. Even if one tear falls out of our eyes, he quickly ceases it and uses it to facilitate our return to him. But i think your tear(s) have to be tears of repentance. 
    If you really don't have much time to read then just start reading from chapter 2. Chapter one speaks more about the seriousness & consequences of sin, but Chapter 2 deals with how WE REUTRN TO GOD, so that God can RETRUN TO US.

    Please remember me in your prayers. 


    To be honest these quotes gave me that final push into self-forgiveness. Thank you so much.
    Thank you user00 for the compliments, you are a beautiful person and i appreciate your time spent
    Thank you anba bola for giving me tips and hints on how to repent. Pray that God gives me a true repentance and confession
    Thank you George Mina Awad for relating my story to your own, and giving me advice from your experience.
    Thank you servant33 for also relating my story to your own, and sharing with me the wonderful story. I hope i can see the traps that are set before me one day.
    Thank you ilovesaintmark for giving me the basic steps into repentance, and giving me hope that God will have mercy.
    Thank you Joshuaa for the special quotes from your calendar, and the courage you gave me -( We should not fear people but GOD only. When we sin, alot of the time we fear people; what they think and so on.)
    Thank you geomike. First i would like to thank you for your prayer on the spot, i really REALLY was touched by it. And i would like to thank you for giving me the thought about being embarrassed now rather than judgment day.
    A special thanks to +marmar+ for giving me private courage, and sympathy.

    Thank you to everyone and i am sorry if i forgot someone or if i forgot to thank someone for something ( i tried to go for the main things). Thank you for your prayers, but please continue to pray for me.
  • Stay strong brother, and I am not going to tell you to not hang out with girls, just don't stay alone with one. NEVER STAY ALONE WITH A GIRL. I know it sounds so "sa eedee" but trust me, you will save yourself from many hard to resist temptations. When you do hang out with a girl make sure it's with a group of people that aren't intoxicated, also never be around a girl when alcohol is present even if you don't drink it. If when you are hanging out with a girl and you have bad thoughts creeping into your mind, try to avoid her until your emotions have died down. Also, when you're sitting alone and your mind is wandering and you start thinking dirty thoughts about girls go read a chapter from the Bible. Every time you get a dirty thought read a chapter from the Bible and you will begin to see the filth and ugliness of sexual sins and you will have more power to overcome temptation when you are armed with the knowledge of the Bible. Also, be very careful to not follow your emotions. Follow what is right and God's commandments. You may feel like doing a sin one moment and hate it the next moment, this is because of emotions and it shows how unstable and dangerous to ourselves and people around us if we follow our emotions. Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to share some information with you since i have much experience with sexual sins. God bless you brother.



    May God help you and have mercy on you and all of us, and may He strengthen our self-control. Amen.
  • I have also found this helpful information. It is a short 14 page pamphlet on sexuality from the Coptic point of view of course. Here is the link:


    http://www.orthodoxebooks.org/sites/default/files/pdfs/Youth and Pure Living - HH Bishop Moussa.pdf


    If you want to save it, then right click on the link and click "save target as" and you will be able to save it as a pdf.

    God bless you.
  • [quote author=The_worst link=topic=10274.msg125301#msg125301 date=1293206936]
         
         Okay so last night i was at a party with a couple of my friends, and they were all drunk and i was not, i was just there. Except for this one girl who was also there from before that was not drunk also. Me and this girl are good friends and we knew each other from before. On this night we were all in my friends room and we were just laying in his bed laughing and making jokes (all of us). Then i went to go sit on his floor, and suddenly i dont quite remember how

    [Moderated: The poster has committed a sexual sin, the details have been removed]


    I really REALLY am going crazy, and randomly when i think about what i did i go crazy, my mind just gets black and i start getting angry and upset. I am the biggest contradiction on earth....I know so much about the church, i know so much alhan, i go to any service there is at church, and i still go out and do this? it doesnt make sense to me.

    All i am asking is what can i do, i cant take communion, i cant go to liturgy, and i cant step into church. Not untill i have taken confession. And even still i know that when i take confession i will still feel just as dirty. Please PLEASEE someone help me i am lost, and i have no clue as to what i am doing anymore because i cant live my life as a contradiction anymore, i cant. I want to cry sometimes but i just cant i dont know why.

    I know this is a long post, but please someone bear with me. I am a horrible person and all i am asking for is 5 minutes of your time to help me. Thanks in advance


    I think the fact that you get angry and crazy with yourself shows that there is no contradiction in you. I was just mentioning in another thread that we all fall short of Holiness and need God's Grace to help us overcome sin.

    What worries me is this:

    Its good that you recognize your mistakes, and I feel you're going to repent and confess this (Its seems to me you have already done so).
    However, because of your Christian background, and from your post, I cannot help but feel that you are going to have problems in forgiving yourself over this.

    Take care, and God bless
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