I believe in God (or at least I'm trying to) and have been an Orthodox Christian since birth but now am confronted with secular and sceptic thoughts day and night throughout my prayer and Bible reading and even during church functions especially during confession. These were ideas that feelings of God, blessings, hope, faith, repentance (at least part of it) are all psychological, dissociating blessings in my life from God, inability to find any kind of interaction with Him, I can't feel God like other people do (I think this is pride) etc.
The one which plagued me the most was that because through prayer, I felt no assurance or comfort that my prayer was heard and my faith was weaker than it was originally but I found comfort watching videos about faith and talking with friends about faith, this thought (i don't know what to call it) would constantly attack me and weaken my faith. (sorry for bad grammar)
What scares me the most is that I am starting to lose the same repulsiveness/regret for sins I commit anymore.
From speaking to my spiritual father, many orthodox friends (some are priests) and consulting books and sermons by Coptic church fathers like HH Pope Shenouda iii I received a lot of advice and I also came to learn that this is a spiritual battle I must endure using spiritual weapons like the Jesus Prayer, reading the Bible, praying with psalms, etc. while keeping faith for an unspecified time. Even though I have been given many reasons to keep my faith, I feel a form of discomfort following me around all the time (sometimes stronger than others.
I confess that after many tearful prayers without any kind of solace I am starting to lose hope and am looking for any kind of "miracle" (unable to find a more fitting term) that will restore and strengthen my faith.
Adding to this problem, I have to keep my feelings suppressed so that I do not alert my family and continue in my university studies (which I can't find the motivation to do) especially as exams are approaching rather quickly. I have spent many nights wasting time doing anything (watching faith videos, eating, etc) and I haven't pushed myself to study for 2 weeks now.
Please, Christian brothers and sisters whom I love very much, please pray very much for this underserving and doubtful sinner.